Insanity

Since Jon lost his job, life has become insane. And it seems to get crazier and crazier as the days go on. Between the car, Lampasas and my mouth, life is going to be the death of me.

She said YES!!!

Jon's mom said yes to our request!!! I could die of relief. They have a safe, COOL, clean place to be and an excellent school district. Michael's 6th grade will be in the same school as sean and he'll have another year to mature before middle school. I pray that this small town school turns out to be just what they need!!! This is going to be VERY rough on us all (especially Sean) but hopefully it will work out well in the end.

We went to Golden Corral for dinner. I did not sleep solid and have not all week. Too much change and stress, sigh.

We talked a bit more about Carole and her "thirst for power and control" over our lives. He fears she will push him to seek a lawyer and divorce me AND try to get custody of the kids. Sigh. GRRRRRR.

Jon's Mother

Jon's mother is driving me CRAZY with this "don't tell anyone" attitude about Jon's offense. Does she think that he is going to SHOUT IT TO EVERYONE??? Or put it on a tee-shirt???? Good grief.

We called the Sherriffs department and found out that his information will NOT be published in the Lampasas newspaper because his conviction was before 1995. THANK YOU GOD. Now maybe his mother will settle down.

Jon's mom

I have committed the unpardonable sin. I put the "SACRED" Nuessen email address on the same email as the "undesirable" Masters name. And now I am in trouble and all of our plans to move Jon and the boys up there to Lampasas is in jeopardy. And, as usual, everything is my fault. And now SHE and Jon are on an emotional tear. I am SO SICK of them BOTH and their moods and their freaking UNREASONABLENESS!!!!!!!!!!

Called out from work...

Called my father to wish him a belate happy birthday. Sounds like he had a GREAT time for his 73rd birthday!!!

Told them about Jon's layoff and our upcoming move(s).

Sent 4 rolls of film to Photoworks, INCLUDING wedding pictures.

Worked on packing our room. Jon worked on packing the computer room.

Spoke to Jeremy awhile.

Didn't feel well so I didn't go to work.

Happy Birthday, Daddy

It's just after 7AM and I am at the Chick-fil-A by our work. I was feeling panicked and trapped so I fled the house.

As much as I hate the house we rent ITSELF, and it's endless ability to suck us dry financially, I love our neighborhood and I'm going to miss it, as will the boys. To move from all of their friends to somewhere where they are out in the middle of NOWHERE is going to be tough for them.

Then we face the very real possibility that Jon may not be able to find work in "smalltown Texas" due to his conviction!!! We really need to save money and try to seek a pardon for him or this will haunt him his whole life!

WHAT ARE WE DOING????? This is truly insane.

Thinking...

When I think of all the times and ways I've thought of leaving Jon it's one thing; but for HER to interfere is another and it makes me furious. It's so like her to be this controlling.

The sheer VOLUME of what has to be done over the next 3 weeks OVERWHELMS me. I am imobilized just thinking of it. Sigh.

The email

Jon sent his mom an email requesting permission for him and the boys to live in her office building for 6 months while I save money and pay bills and he gets a job. He even offered to pay her rent from his unemployment.

Apartments

I went to see the apartments yesterday. They are nicer on the inside in Phase I of the apartments than on David's side. We are going for the 2 bedroom/2 bath. Jason and Amber met me there and looked at it with me. It's layed out in a long, sort of narrow way. Very odd.

I was practically panicking. Jason and Amber walked me through figuring out how much we have coming in and how much we have going out. Alone I can't do it. But with Jon's unemployment we should be able to handle it.

I gave them a check for $164 and took the paperwork home to fill out. The thought of a credit AND criminal background check is a bit daunting (I attached explanations for both mine and Jon's criminal past). I will go home this morning and get Jon to sign all the parts he needs to sign and then take them over and drop them in the night drop box. Jennifer (the rental agent) said it can take as little as 2 hours to find out if we qualify.

More changes...

Dropped off the applications. David gave me a tour of the place...there's more grassy areas than I thought.

Slept fitfully. Got up and called the apartments...

DENIED

Because of Jon's offense. I'm crushed. Now what?

Spent the evening at work discussing the upcoming move(s) with Amber and Jason and Jon and the boys.

More changes...

Went to see apartments in David's complex. Added up the money. Put down $164.00. Picked up the applications & filled them out, complete with descriptions of our convictions.

Changes

Today Jon filled out all of his unemployment & TWC paperwork. While at the site he looked for jobs.

My friend P 2

is at work. He got there late, after Marilynn called him at home and told him to come, but he is there. Jason says he is calmer but not calm, and more coherent, which is good. We are not out of the woods with this man but we have moved a few inches away from the precipice. Today Amber and I will build him a bear and call it Hope, to represent that which he seeks and which we seek for him. A small token for him to physically see in his life.

Jon job

This morning Jon had an 8AM meeting with Grant McKamie. He was given 3 options:
1. Quit
2. Get Fired
3. Be Laid Off with a) Can use Unisys as a reference and b) Qualify for Unemployement and c) 5 weeks severence pay.
He WISELY choose option 3.

When he walked into the house at 9AM I knew the news wasn't good. He was pale and shaky.

My friend P

Last night, at work, I had to do a sort of mini-intervention with my friend P, because Jason, Amber and I truly came to believe that if he left work in the state he was in he would take another bottle of Xanax and wash it down with Whiskey and be dead by Monday. It was a rather scary place for us all to be, and it's only because I trust his word that I let him leave the building alone.

Hopelessness is the disease he suffers from. Hopelessness which leads to depression. Depression which leads to despair. Despair which leads to suicide. Lord, help me to teach him to hope. (What a daunting task).

How does life get so out-of-whack? Children do not start out convinced that life holds no good thing for them. How do we so mess up ourselves and our lives that we come to TRULY believe that there is NEVER going to be any good for us anywhere??? I don't understand.

I get depressed, but it isn't a CONSTANT state. I fall in, I climb out. But Phillippe seems to live in this emotional pit from which he cannot see any light, and therefore doesn't believe in the light.

Dear GOD, please reach out into the life of my friend P and show him, in some way, that there IS a reason to hope. In the name of Christ. Amen.

Jeremy

I ran the idea of going home next summer by David (who was all for it) and Jeremy. Jeremy didn't seem too enthused. Sigh. It's complicated when you can't do something on your own. When you have to rely on others. Relying on others is NOT my forte. 50 times a week I ask myself WHY, OH WHY I didn't go back to Washington when Ron did. Sigh. I've gotten so good at questioning everything I've done, every feeling I've felt in this relationship. It makes me crazy!!!

Enough is Enough

It began with my birthday, this sensation that nothing I do or say will save this relationship. The sensation continues, strongly, as we battle over stupidity and conformity. And then, last night, the threat to harm our kitten and the bashing into me and knocking me down...it's so over. I've known it for so long but I've refused to face it. It's over and I need to start making plans to leave him behind. Go home, to my family and friends. Find a job, get a life, stop living in oppression, repression and sometimes downright fear. There, I've said it. I'm afraid of him. Not so much when he is calm and rational, but those rare times when he loses it...I cower in fear. Me. Of all people. Sigh. And, sometimes, the boys seem caught in the anger spiral and they cry. And Sean fears. I can't bear that. When he heard his daddy threaten to give away the kitten, he cried. Sigh.

And yet...

thinking about never seeing his face, or his eyes (killer eyes)...never touching his face or his lips again makes me profoundly sad. There was SUCH potential. Such passion. Such love. Such a meeting of minds. Either that or I was simply delusional & insane. Sigh.

Jeff is losing his shop!!!

We saw David standing outside Jeff's shop talking with Jeff and another man and we stopped to say hello. That's when we learned that Jeff is losing his shop. Someone evidently embezzeled or laundered the $50,000 Jeff put up for the shop. So now they can't meet payroll or bills. Sigh. They are in the process of moving as we speak.

While I was there, David mentioned I should move in by him. 2 bedroom, $595 a month all bills paid. I think I could actually do that on my own but the problem is we ALL work 3rd shift. which leaves the boys alone all night. Sigh.

Jason wants me to move in with them but I worry about the boys. To be honest, the IDEAL solution is for Jon to be fired, me to live with Amber and Jason and the boys to go to his parents with him. That way I can save for the move to Washington state next summer. Either living with Jeremy and Tamara or Bethany and David. Hopefully till I get a job and get on my feet. Sigh. It's horrid to be the mother and to need so much help to "get away"!!!

Drama

Last night, before work, Jon and I had a fight. Over the cat and the door and Sean. I think the tensions of worrying about work and things just boiled over. Things were said. Doors were slammed. And people were slammed. (We got to the front door of the house at the same time and bashed into each other which knocked me down). THIS is the very reason I stopped riding to work with him. Because at any given moment things deteriorate so rapidly that I end up sobbing by the time we get to work. I had to walk around the parking lot and get myself under control before I could even come in the door of work.

It was the same litany: I am a bitch. His life sucks. He's under so much pressure and I just don't understand or care. Which is bull. As I said in a previous entry: EVERYTHING HE DOES that affects work at least, affects us. Therefore I care. All the time. I live in terror of him getting fired...all the time. I can't sleep right, all the time, for worrying. Sigh. Life's a bitch and then you marry one (or are a married one) and then you die.

On Battling Depression

This was posted on an e-group I belong to in answer to a person who spoke of her long-time battle with depression:

"I quit looking so far into the future and focused exclusively on today. I wanted to live the best I could under the circumstances I was in, even though those weren't very good. (And when I finally learned to do that, my circumstances changed for the better!) Each morning, I counted my blessings - a roof over my head, something to eat, my children, the sound of the wind chimes on my porch, etc. I determined to become healthy in every way. I exercised (just short walks at first, nothing big!), I watched what I ate (grew a lot of my own veggies), avoided watching depressing or upsetting TV shows and movies, and read everything I could find about positive thinking. Books I found most helpful were: Emotionally Free by Rita Bennett, The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale, The Prayer of Jabez by Bruce Wilkinson, and The Courage to be Rich by Suze Orman. There are lots of others - look at your local library or bookstore in the self-help section. You deserve to be happy, and God/dess wants to give you blessings. Changing the kind of energy around you DOES make a difference!

On husbands...

Do husbands not realize that everything that happens to them impacts their families?

I'm lying beside my husband just before we attempt to drift off to sleep and he tells me that during the workday he'd been informed by Grant (our HR guy) that if Kemper doesn't approve his short-term disability (they are appealing) he will have 27 incidents of unexcused absences (sounds like elementary school, sigh). Which would mean, of course, immediate termination. He says this casually, with no inflection, like he'd say "It's raining."

My whole BEING went into shock. I've been SO AFRAID of him getting fired for the past couple of months that I could barely THINK!!! And now he gives me THIS information. Was I stunned? In a way. However, I've also been expecting SOMETHING of this nature for a couple of months. So, I'm recovering from this information through the night and then....

HE CALLS OUT AGAIN IN THE MORNING. I am FURIOUS!!! BAFFLED!!! ANGRY!!! WORRIED!!! AND INCREDIBLY PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!!! And I let him know this. Which he tried to turn around on me (the "Don't YOU be yelling at me" kind of stuff).

I think of the place we live...yeah, it isn't much but it's home. And he's just so willing to give it all up and throw our lives into chaos. To be honest I no longer believe he even CONSIDERS us in his life as he does things. (Assuming he ever did). I don't know how to deal with this. The CONSTANT WORRY.

I am going to start boxing stuff up. Why be caught unprepared? This is often-repeated behavior on his part and even IF we make it through this time, there will be a next time. I will be prepared. It's hot and it will be hard work to do this, but I am just so scared that he'll get fired in the last week of a month and I'll have 7 days to evacuate the house. I just can't get it together that fast.

Death

I lost a friend to cancer this year and another friend of mine is now battling breast cancer so death has been heavy on my mind lately. I've been thinking about the things I have learned about death (mostly from others who THINK they know) and what happens afterward.

Some people have said that when you die you forget everything you knew here on earth. It is this theory that has been rattling around my brain and disturbing me. What is the point of living if you forget everything you learn? If you can't remember the beautiful music you have heard or the beautiful artwork I have seen then why listen? Why look? Why read a book, no matter how grand, if you die and cannot remember a single word you read?

Even reincarnationists think you forget things from one life to another. That you essentially start from scratch.

It just makes our quest for "knowing" for gnosis, for knowledge seem so useless and trivial. Just wasted time. And this thought has made me incredibly sad. To the point where, when I was discussing it with Phillippe, I broke down and cried.

Futility. Waste. Emptiness. Hopelessness.

World Travel

I've always wanted to see the world and all the wonders thereof. Rome, Jerusalem, Ireland, Scotland, Australia and New Zealand being high on my list. Finances have prevented me from being able to do this.

As I have gotten older, this has started to bother me more. No matter how the world ends, there seems to be no chance that the earth will be the same on the other side. The mountains will fall therefore the buildings will fall. No Sistine chapel. No sacred wells. No Stonehenge to visit. This lifetime seems to be it. And most of us don't have the money to wander the earth...

I am just profoundly sad these days and it' is spilling over into all my thought processes.

The Fourth of July

I have been so pensive, weepy and downright depressed lately. I see the world and what America is becoming and I shudder. I see others that either don't see what is happening OR who approve what is happening and I wonder if the world has gone mad.

I watched "The Patriot" today and I thought about our beginnings as a country. All the pride and the glory and the brilliance that went into making us. What happened to it? To us?

We became prideful and lazy. Too willing to let "big government" do it all. Too big. Too brash. Too undisciplined. And now? We may be too far down the road to recover. To regain the greatness that we were. I ache for my country and it's people. For what we may have to endure in our decline.

I pray for our leaders. We are facing dark times in the world and things are so complicated. Terrorists and terror abound. There seems no clear way to "fix" things.

Stress Cure...

Jiaogulan (pronounced gee-OW-goo-lahn) normalizes the body's neuro-endocrine functions - a fancy way of saying that it prevents stress hormones from flooding your body and wreaking havoc on your nerves during high-pressure situations.

Called "the poor man's ginseng" but it's really the smart woman's energizer; it's as good as ginseng at stimulating the release of the adrenal and thyroid hormones that activate your energy and metabolism. It also strengthens the heart, helping it pump more blood, oxygen and nutrients with every beat.

Jiaogulan can up your body's production of infection-fighting white blood cells by 225% in a month. Take 240 mg. of jiaogulan daily.

Jiaogulan is available in some health-food stores and Oriental herb shops. You can also order it online at www.immortalityherb.com. Choose a standardized capsule, and start with 20-40 mg. three times daily. You should start feeling better within a week.

 

CJ's Big 5 Diet

NO Potatoes
NO Sugar
NO Bread
NO Rice
NO Pasta

As a general rule I violate CJs "Big 5" almost HOURLY here at work!!! Sigh. I can be out-of-control that way. Arrrgh.

Fairy Tales vs Reality

Life is difficult. The level of life we often seek is on such an unrealistic level that the failure to achieve it leaves the reality of life feeling even more empty and mundane than it is. I see so clearly why people eat, drink and do drugs to ease the pain of the gap.

Fantasy sets our sights so HIGH...on things that we often cannot achieve or have. we SAY to our children and to ourselves that we can do and/or be WHATEVER WE WANT to do or be. But our reality belies our dreams. We TELL ourselves lies to survive our realities.

And often, we shift the blame! "GOD" gave - "Satan" took. All the stories we tell ourselves to live in the mind-numbing pain and emptiness that is life.

What if most of what you believed about yourself turned out not to be true? What if the ONE THING you thought you were good at turns out to be something you UTTERLY FAILED at? What if this causes you to be unable to live with yourself? What then?


To listen to Amber, for most of her life you'd think I was a HORRID parent. One child out of 4 right? Not bad.

But now Bethany, my oldest, is falling apart and the blame seems to be squarely on my shoulders.

And David...the burden he bore because of my stupidity.

And Jeremy...The scars he now bears from the break-up and the following insanity. To the point that he FEARS remembering his childhood.

Now we have 4 out of 4 and suddenly the very foundation of who I thought I was CRUMBLES.

~TOXIC MOTHER~ That's me.

So my purpose for staying with the boys and their father is what? To fuck up their lives too? So they can tell me later how I destroyed their lives? No WONDER my mom ran away.

Lonliness...

Sometimes the lonliness and the emptiness of my life reaches out and grabs me and I wonder how I can go on another MOMENT. In dreams it is so easy...but the reality of life SUCKS.

Neo

On the way home from work today we stopped in Garfield and picked out a new kitten. A little orange tabby with white paws and a white chest. He is adorable. He is NOT tigger, but he is darling. We will name him Neo.

Some people are driven to achieve, to succeed. Others are content to just float through life (sort of like me). Others get lost and question everything they've ever done (also sort of like me).

I wanted to be a mom. And I rarely questioned myself on my chosen path until I chose Jon. From that moment on I have had to question myself so often that I now doubt myself ALL THE TIME. I hate being so unsure of myself all the time. And this thing with Bethany has shattered my foundations. If I screwed up the child I saw as my first gift from GOD then all I believe about myself as a mother is false. And my "being a good mom" perception is a crock. The definition of who I thought I was is/was/could be TOTALLY WRONG. Can a person be this wrong about their core self???

And BETHANY thinks about running away? How many times have I wanted to run or end it all?

Back from Vegas

Vegas was a break and NOW BACK TO MY REGULARLY SCHEDULED MIND-NUMBING, SOUL-CRUSHING LIFE.

OK rant over. There's just no freaking point. There's never been one I guess...it just took me 12 years to figure it out. Women, the gullible species.

And now I can't share any of the pain and despair with Bethany. And I am forbidden to share with Amber so I'm pretty much on my own. What a thought. Sigh. Such a concept. I wonder if Gram had anyone to talk to when Vern was being such an ass? If she had a sister or a good friend to support her and hear her venting? I sure hope so. It's such an isolating thing.

Unrelenting resentment eats the heart and soul. It's shifting my personality and I HATE it. I have to figure out a way to release resentment before it kills me. Emotionally and literally.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tigger died today. We don't eve know what was wrong with him. It was very swift but he didn't seem to suffer, thank GOD. Tigger was our orange cat but he was so much more than that He was the loving heart of our life In times of stress When we were a mess He'd touch our face with his paws or face And purr his love into our hearts. We'll miss you Tiggy-poo.

Talking

We talked a bit about my unwillingness to wait on him anymore. He doesn't get it, he never has. Then he made this assenine comment about his reasoning for getting married and not committing adultery that leads me to believe something I already suspected: He considers it to have been a mistake to have given up the opportunity for varied multiple sex partners to marry me. A depressing though but not one I've never thought before. People do the things they do for various reasons. I'll never understand the reason he married me. I just figure he wanted a maid, although considering the state of the house in Del Valle, that was a pretty unrealistic reason. But eventually he got what he wanted - a maid. Sigh. Oh the tangled webs we weave in our lives.

But then again, I am no real "catch" for him. I'm sure he ogles the hot women at work and wonders why the hell he tied himself down in his "sexual peak". Which is a source of resentment for him, I'm sure and the reason he won't "be a husband" in ways that I've wanted...time together (not in the same room watching the same movie), talking (which we had but lost), and touching (other than breast/genitals).

And to finally turn and face the fact that I've waited 12 years in VAIN and that I could have waited till HELL FROZE OVER and he would still not want a relationship with me was just the last straw that broke me. I can't be the naive, oblivious woman who does it all HOPING that her husband will turn toward her. I just can't do it anymore and survive emotionally. So, I detached. It's just less painful this way.

And now Bethany...my bright and shiny one...all gray and depressed. No period for her since October. All weepy and tired. Pretty scary when the child you thought you did your best with takes an emotional nosedive.

On being a puppy...

I was like a puppy. I waited, in joyful anticipation, for his words, his touch. When he was mean, I'd run away, but I'd eventually go back and wait by his feet again, BELIEVING that he'd eventually pay attention to me...I feel like a naive IDIOT!!!

I know, now, that he will NEVER turn toward me. All of his promises that AFTER drugs, probation, WHATEVER, he would have time for "US" was just to placate me. To play on my naivete. I feel utterly stupid and lied to. A fool. That's me.

Could I have waited the rest of my life IN VAIN?!!! Yes, I could have. But my birthday shifted my paradigm and I cannot shift it back.

Remind me...

Remind me NEVER to ask Jon to take me to work again unless I have NO OTHER options. It simply does not serve at the alter of Jon's over-inflated SELF. I have truly NEVER in my ENTIRE LIFE known another human being so NARCISSIST in nature. So closed to the wants and needs of others. SO FREAKING OBLIVIOUS!!!

The Masters Throne

I sometimes wonder if my exhaustion registers at all on the radar screen of his being...but then again, probably not. It doesn't serve his SELF to let my issues impinge upon his being.

And me? I am kept in his "regard" only as I serve his "SELF". But I am so TIRED of it all. It makes living so freaking difficult. I am even tired of my own futile attempts at rationalization! And nothing reaches him...

Exercise...

WHY LORD, WHY, if exercise begins to make my body respond SO QUICKLY do I let it slide so easily and so often? I mean it's only been 3 days of walking again and already my lower abdomen feels internally more taut. I know it will be WEEKS before I can PHYSICALLY see a difference on the outside, but it's amazing how soon I start to FEEL a change in muscle tone! Why doesn't this feeling of better tone all over not create a sense of DETERMINATION in me???

I WANT TO WANT TO!!! As Paul was wont to say, "The good that I want to do doesn't happen." The human soul does battle with body and spirit of the flesh. He so clearly lays this out. I WANT to succeed oh, God!!! I PRAY to succeed oh, God!!! Help me in my weakness.

Every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday as I get ready for work I face, again, my ongoing resentment of him and his spoken "perception" that his life is so "miserable". All he has responsibility for in life is GOING TO WORK. Every other thing in our lives is MY responsibility. Yet he is SO miserable.

He lives the life of a child taken care of at every turn, yet he is "SO MISERABLE".

Everyone of us caters to his self-absorbed self-worship...yet he is STILL "so miserable".

Sometimes, when my full resentment of his pitiful self-serving rises up in my heart and soul and makes me want to VOMIT...OH, GOD, if we could ALL have such miserable lives as he has. GAG!!!

But then I write out my resentment, or cry it out in the shower or cr. I pick myself up and go on. Shouldering the responsibility I took on when I chose to sleep with a man 22 days short of his 18th birthday. When Crossroads told me I was responsible, they had no idea just how uncannily accurate that would prove to be....

Tangents

I think that sometimes my mind takes me on weird tangents. I was carrying groceries in today and wondering what Jon will do when/if I am not strong enough to carry groceries anymore. I was carrying about 6 bags in each hand and I almost burst out laughing. I'll just carry fewer bags at a time!!! Sometimes I am such a DORK!!!

Facing Facts...

I sent my quote to Jon for a response...who was I kidding? Only myself. I need to face facts: Intellectually my marriage does not exist. The "meeting of the mind" does not happen here. I need to stop hoping for true conversation and seek intellectual stimulation elsewhere: PREFERABLY with women.

"Criticism is the forerunner of divorce, the cultivator of rebellion, a catalyst that leads to failure. I am asking that we turn from the negative that so permeates our society and look for the remarkable good among those with whom we associate, that we speak of one another's virtues more than we speak of one another's faults, that optimism replace pessimism, that our faith exceed our fears. When I was a young man and was prone to speak critically, my father would say, 'Cynics do not contribute, skeptics do not create, doubters do not achieve.'" (Gordon B. Hinckley, Stand a Little Taller, p. 161)

So, if I can't have a reality that is anything like what I want, then I must readjust my desire for reality. Can I do this? And SHOULD I do this?

Why did GOD give us the brains we have if we don't choose to use them? Playing RPG games to the exclusion of real life relationships...

I took my responsibilities in this relationship seriously. But I've begun to see that I've probably done him (and I) a terrible disservice. I think our relationship is very destructive for both of us...but more for him because he was younger.

Having said this, the question is: NOW WHAT? Where do I go from here, 12 years into the "relationship" and 9 years into the "marriage"?? If this sham of a relationship is creating this stressful of a life for him then I have to consider that leaving him would be best. How do I judge this? How do I know? I have to say our relationship is destroying us both. Weights and balances...sigh.

Do I stay - KNOWING that I am basically alone in this 'relationship'? Alone here, alone there, what difference does it make? Alone is alone. So, if the bottom line is alone, I can do it here or there or anywhere.

Quotation...

I'm still battling depression. I feel both heavy and numb at the same time. It's an odd feeling.

"You seduced me with your mind and then you took it away. Instead of living life with me, you choose to live in a drugged stupor. And I walk the wasteland...screaming in pain...and you never even hear me."

Questions...

Where does the willingness go? When relationships cause such a vacuum of good that it begins to feel all bad? the dearth of good, kind, loving moments...the abundance of emptiness.

Jewel dies. Jon chooses punishment and suddenly I don't want to do this anymore.

Emptiness eats at my soul. Is there goodness or kindness anywhere anymore? So much emptiness in my marriage. And THIS is better than...WHAT???? Emptiness is emptiness.

My husband would rather be a drugged zombie than deal with life. I am part of that life that he would rather be drugged than deal with.

The life we have (I hesitate to use the word "created") together (did we EVER do anything together besides creating our sons?) is unbearable for him. How am I supposed to live and deal with that? Words literally fail me...

My Birthday...

Next year I am NOT going to take his birthday off of work. All I did was run errands for him and wait on him hand and foot. I do that ANYWAY without adding hours of slave labor to my day.

Today I am 50. Unless I have plans with the kids next year OR we are living in Spokane, I will not be taking my birthday off either. He never wants to go anywhere anyway. A waste of a day off. Sigh.

Jewel Hale died at 12:40PM today after a 3 year battle with cancer.

Jon's Birthday...

Jon's birthday was anti-climactic. We had spent Sunday at Golden Corral with Carole and Harold, Don and Terry, Penny and Jake and Sharon. Then off to Sharon's house for cake, ice cream and presents.

I received an angel pin from Carole, earrings and a wind up church from Sharon, and a manicure set from Don and Terri. It was lovely.

Jon and I also received a $100 gift card to JC Penneys. He wanted to look for a TV but they no longer carry them so instead we bought a new sheet set (light blue), a new comforter (dark blue and light blue plaid) and 2 new king size bed pillows, plus a small soft purple pillow for Jon's naps on the couch in the computer room.

Then, on his actual birthday, we did nothing (even though I took the night off, sigh). I mostly was his gopher for his lunch, coffee, drinks, etc. He got up at 7:30AM and was on the computer playing DAOC until 2:30AM the next morning. 19 hours of gaming! And then, REEKING of cigarette smoke, he crawled into our bed, between the new sheets...HUGE SIGH...where I had been since 10:30PM. He said it was a great birthday though. To each their own....

Reflections

Some people seem able to overcome their failings...others continue to have problems. I can SET GOALS easily. I can think things through. Where I fall down is in following through.

More...

When Crossroads told me that I was responsible for "destroying" his life and I ACCEPTED that responsibility, I didn't think I'd have to carry it for the rest of my life. I foolishly thought he'd chose to partner me. To grow up. To shoulder some of the burden. 12 years later, I see i was...naive in this belief. Now I know that this may NEVER happen. It's a difficult thought for me to deal with. It creates a pool of resentment in my spirit that causes me to be moody, irritable and edgy. Not to mention depressed. I don't know what to do or how to handle it. I don't know how to empty the pool of resentment so it no longer influences me.

Besides the fact that his IRRESPONSIBILITY is ongoing. So - theoretically - I could be emptying this pool (i.e., prayer, writing out, forgiveness) just barely fast enough for the next filling. I don't know how to get to a place where his irresponsibility doesn't hurt/anger me anymore. LYING to myself by SAYING I don't care is just that - a LIE. And it just isn't working for me anymore.

I fell lost, alone, buried, depressed, angry, hurt...sigh...and HE doesn't even care. Sometimes I just want to run away and leave him with all the responsibility of the boys, dishes, laundry, work, bills...it scares me. Instead I stay and plod along all alone. Trying hard not to break and fall. Not to crack and start screaming or crying and not be able to stop.

I dream of love and peace. I wake to drudgery. Sometimes I don't want to wake. I just want to sleep on and on.

New Years Day

Personal Goals:
1. Attend church more often (at least 2 times per month)
2. Find more ways to relax and have fun.
3. Lose weight: Get under 200 (Guggle/Phase2 - Carb Blocker)
4. Make healthier choices (Food/Exercise/Relationship)
5. More Prayer and Meditation

Work Goals:
1. Less chatting
2. Study for A+ Test
3. Stand against the negativity (ritual/prayer)

In a life where nothing ever changes and everything stays the same, my sense of discouragement causes me to become impatient and snappy. I hate being so impatient, it makes me crazy. And then Jon gets snippy with me. So what I am asking of myself is NOT complaining and NOT getting impatient about it. Writing helps some, but not enough. How does one ENDURE the sameness of life without breaking? How does one REALLY accept the endless servitude f their life so that it's TRUE ACCEPTANCE without the root of bitter resentment? I'm not sure I know how.