Wednesday, March 12, 2003


WHY LORD, WHY, if exercise begins to make my body respond SO QUICKLY do I let it slide so easily and so often? I mean it's only been 3 days of walking again and already my lower abdomen feels internally more taut. I know it will be WEEKS before I can PHYSICALLY see a difference on the outside, but it's amazing how soon I start to FEEL a change in muscle tone! Why doesn't this feeling of better tone all over not create a sense of DETERMINATION in me???

I WANT TO WANT TO!!! As Paul was wont to say, "The good that I want to do doesn't happen." The human soul does battle with body and spirit of the flesh. He so clearly lays this out. I WANT to succeed oh, God!!! I PRAY to succeed oh, God!!! Help me in my weakness.

Every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday as I get ready for work I face, again, my ongoing resentment of him and his spoken "perception" that his life is so "miserable". All he has responsibility for in life is GOING TO WORK. Every other thing in our lives is MY responsibility. Yet he is SO miserable.

He lives the life of a child taken care of at every turn, yet he is "SO MISERABLE".

Everyone of us caters to his self-absorbed self-worship...yet he is STILL "so miserable".

Sometimes, when my full resentment of his pitiful self-serving rises up in my heart and soul and makes me want to VOMIT...OH, GOD, if we could ALL have such miserable lives as he has. GAG!!!

But then I write out my resentment, or cry it out in the shower or cr. I pick myself up and go on. Shouldering the responsibility I took on when I chose to sleep with a man 22 days short of his 18th birthday. When Crossroads told me I was responsible, they had no idea just how uncannily accurate that would prove to be....

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