Tuesday, January 28, 2003


Some people seem able to overcome their failings...others continue to have problems. I can SET GOALS easily. I can think things through. Where I fall down is in following through.

Sunday, January 5, 2003


When Crossroads told me that I was responsible for "destroying" his life and I ACCEPTED that responsibility, I didn't think I'd have to carry it for the rest of my life. I foolishly thought he'd chose to partner me. To grow up. To shoulder some of the burden. 12 years later, I see i was...naive in this belief. Now I know that this may NEVER happen. It's a difficult thought for me to deal with. It creates a pool of resentment in my spirit that causes me to be moody, irritable and edgy. Not to mention depressed. I don't know what to do or how to handle it. I don't know how to empty the pool of resentment so it no longer influences me.

Besides the fact that his IRRESPONSIBILITY is ongoing. So - theoretically - I could be emptying this pool (i.e., prayer, writing out, forgiveness) just barely fast enough for the next filling. I don't know how to get to a place where his irresponsibility doesn't hurt/anger me anymore. LYING to myself by SAYING I don't care is just that - a LIE. And it just isn't working for me anymore.

I fell lost, alone, buried, depressed, angry, hurt...sigh...and HE doesn't even care. Sometimes I just want to run away and leave him with all the responsibility of the boys, dishes, laundry, work, bills...it scares me. Instead I stay and plod along all alone. Trying hard not to break and fall. Not to crack and start screaming or crying and not be able to stop.

I dream of love and peace. I wake to drudgery. Sometimes I don't want to wake. I just want to sleep on and on.

Wednesday, January 1, 2003

New Years Day

Personal Goals:
1. Attend church more often (at least 2 times per month)
2. Find more ways to relax and have fun.
3. Lose weight: Get under 200 (Guggle/Phase2 - Carb Blocker)
4. Make healthier choices (Food/Exercise/Relationship)
5. More Prayer and Meditation

Work Goals:
1. Less chatting
2. Study for A+ Test
3. Stand against the negativity (ritual/prayer)

In a life where nothing ever changes and everything stays the same, my sense of discouragement causes me to become impatient and snappy. I hate being so impatient, it makes me crazy. And then Jon gets snippy with me. So what I am asking of myself is NOT complaining and NOT getting impatient about it. Writing helps some, but not enough. How does one ENDURE the sameness of life without breaking? How does one REALLY accept the endless servitude f their life so that it's TRUE ACCEPTANCE without the root of bitter resentment? I'm not sure I know how.