Wednesday, November 9, 2005
Monday, October 24, 2005
For 20 years I wished, hoped and prayed to come home to Spokane. I'm here now. I've been here 1.5 years. And I worry that this isn't where we should be because NOTHING seems to be going right. I stumble along the edge of despair. One blow after another. Never making ends meet, let alone getting even slightly ahead. Afraid? No. Numb. Numb from the constant bombs dropping in our lives. And now this feeling of disassociation from life, from things I normally enjoy. It worries me.
Some say I've "thought" myself into this mess. That if I simply "think positive, wealth generating thoughts" my life will turn around miraculously and we will be flush with money and security. My rational mind looks at that thought and laughs. My emotional mind tried this theory a few times and then gave up. Evidently I don't have the kind of "faith" it takes to manifest my destiny. Does that anger me? No. Dissapoint me? Perhaps. But mostly, I'm numb.
Jon lost another job. I think I thought this area of our lives was going to be better when he did so well at Unisys. I was wrong. Dell should have taught me that.
I'm looking for part-time work on the weekends. Can I handle this emotionally or exhaustionally? No. But I don't make enough at Northstar to pay the bills, ESPECIALLY owing G1 money, so I have to do something.
Giving plasma, if I qualify EVERY time, is an extra $55 a week, $210 per month. That would pay G1 and get us gas for the car. I'll be doing that if or until I find a part-time job.
I am 52. I have nothing to show for my life but my kids. I've never owned anything substantial. Not even new cars. No house, no land. Just rentals and bills wearing me down, grinding my spirit. I'm so tired.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Jon got fired today for an email he sent me discussing the bad ethics of the company he was working at. Sigh. Life and it's ups and downs can really get to you at times.
He has an interview at Bank of America in the morning at 11AM and I am praying hard for his success. He wanted it more than what he had anyway, but thought he had the time to see.
Plus, I spoke to Bethany yesterday and they are really getting desperate financially at their house. No money for food or electricity. Just barely hanging on there. I plan to help her some this month if I can. TP, cat food, stuff like that.
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Then I get home and try to find a ride. No luck. Jeremy has to work. Tamara is too overwhelmed by life. Michelle isn't working that day and no one has Tom Hill's phone number. I will have to take the last bus out and sit for 2.5 hours before my shift. THIS SUCKS.
Monday, January 10, 2005
We stayed up too late last night and today I am EXHAUSTED. I can barely keep my eyes open. Thank goodness Monday's are fairly hectic here at work. It keeps me on my toes!!!
Wednesday, January 5, 2005
My life is in a stressed place. There simply is never enough time. I don't understand or want this level of "busyness" in my life. I hate feeling like I never have time to rest and relax. I don't remember this feeling as much in Austin.
Of course in Austin, I had my own washer/dryer and didn't have to run around doing laundry. I didn't work till hours after dark (I started in the dark and left work in the light). I guess it's just a matter of adapting. However, it FEELS like I have more to do in less time.
Tuesday, January 4, 2005
I know that I am new and that as a newbie I am not as knowledgeable as the ones who have been here so much longer than I have, but I listen to them talk and it's just mind-boggling to me. The trip from where I am to where I must be seems daunting.
I talked to Sunny about IRs today. She was very calming and helpful. She gave me some hints on how to make it work better. That helped me center and look at the IRs I had. I actually completed 4 of them between calls. Amazing.