Friday, April 4, 2014

Facing Fears...

I had one of those childhoods that left me with a specific set of fears that are not necessarily rational, but are there anyway, waiting in the dark to reach up and grab me and slam me to the floor. The past 16 months I've had to face down several of them, and I discovered that one fear I thought I would face, wasn't a thing I feared after all.

Then I lost my job. Funny, in all of my life I have rarely had to fear losing my home (whatever that home was at the time) until now. The loss of my job threw me up against two fears, one known, one unknown.

The fear of hunger. When a child spends a large percentage of her first 12 years hungry, it makes an impressive impact on the mind. Just saying the word "diet" causes my brain to overreact to the thought of deprivation which equals hunger and sets me up for failure. I've learned to use other terminology...

Then there is the loss of the place I am living...I have a love/hate relationship with this apartment...It's old, it has issues, and management is often not responsive enough. But I poured a lot of sweat and an ocean of tears into my existence here and, when faced with the thought of losing this 587 square feet, I went into panic overload.

"What do I have to give away?" (How much more of myself embodied in my books and trinkets can I give away without losing myself...) "Where on God's earth will I store the few things I don't want to give away?" (my bed, my kitchen table, my dishes, my books, my trinkets...) "How many boxes can I fit in my car?" "Where will I be able to safely park my car AND sleep in it?"

And suddenly this little corner of the world, this little apartment with it's stained paint and no shower and bad plumbing becomes so very dear to my heart because it's MY corner of the world...the place that sheltered me through the storm of the last 16 months...the place where I painted things and decorated on my own for the very first time in my life EVER...the place where I feel safe and ME. And knowing I could lose this little corner of the world has been the most difficult fear I've face this past 16 months.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I could barely force myself out of bed in the morning...I was almost immobilized.

I'm just barely past the fear now...It's worked it's paralyzing self through me and man, I am so tired of my life collapsing beneath me that I cannot even EXPRESS it adequately. And I don't know how to live a life that doesn't shift and change like this...Even if I get another job next week there is no guarantee that I won't lose it again and have this cycle of fear slam dunk me...And there simply isn't a way to prevent it, so I'm working through it slowly as I realize this uncertainty could haunt me all the rest of my life...GAH.

Friday, March 14, 2014


I have watched my husband, now my ex, through the fledgling beginning of his new was a rough ride for me on so many levels. I saw many things on his face, in his eyes...but I didn't realize I was waiting...for something...until I saw it.

The beginning of their new relationship was exhausting for him, I could see this very clearly. And he was battling high blood pressure at the same time. We were sharing the car for much of this time and I could see the struggle every weekend. Some weekends he literally looked ashen and drained. 

Starting at the beginning of the year we ceased to share the car, and I pretty much ceased to see him, making my recovery somewhat easier.

Monday, I drove over to drop my son off. I came around the corner and he was standing halfway in the doorway to the back landing. Half of his face was in shadow as he was looking back into the house, at her, this I knew, because one of my sons was in my car, the other was asleep in the basement. And I saw...happiness. For the first time since they began, I saw the glow of happiness on his face and...I will try to describe what it felt like to me at that moment...

It was as if a fist that had been clenched around my heart let go. Like a weight dropped off my shoulders. Like my spirit lightened in color by several was pure, unadulterated relief. I felt lighter and purer and, unbelievably, happier in myself. I had the most peaceful few days, emotionally, than I have had for a LONG time...and the peace has continued to carry me through. 

I think I am the weirdest person I have ever known, truly. And this reaction proved it to me, yet again...

Monday, March 3, 2014

Some days...

It's easier...some days it's not. I find myself writing random notes that I never copy anywhere. I thought I'd copy two of them in here...

The pool of stillness
Deep within
Writhes with memories
Now & then
Calling me to
A longing for
What I do not know...

And then...

The inner aloneness haunts me and makes me ache for a mind to share my being...but I fear that no one will ever care...

Monday, December 9, 2013

One full year...

A year ago today I left my home, my husband, my boys and moved into a small apartment...

I actually started this post about a week ago. Typing that one leading line caused me to go into a sobbing fit so I couldn't post a blog at all. Funny how that happens...

A song came on the radio this morning as I drove to work...I'm driving and singing along and suddenly I'm sobbing...

However, for the most part I'm good, stable, on an even keel. I'm growing and working out when I manage to go and walking and singing with the radio and working on myself spiritually and emotionally...

I had Michael and Sean over for Thanksgiving and it was good. Family and warmth and good food and great conversation. Then we took dessert to Jeremy and Tamara's and had more family and good food. We will repeat this ritual for Christmas.

Life will never be the same. And I've grown OK with this idea.  I still have moments when I miss him desperately, miss my house, my life, my boys...but I am building a new life with a new place for my boys and my boys and I are talking about finding a house and moving in together and that will rock, too. It will bring new challenges, but ones we can handle together. I'm looking forward to this.

My new job is exhausting and fulfilling in a strange way and compelling and moving. I touch people in little ways every single day and that touches my heart. And they touch me, by sharing tiny glimpses of who they are with me. Small joys and heartbreaks. The thing that makes customer service so fulfilling. I still have a LOT to learn at my new job, but I am confident that I will master this job to the best of my ability, given time.

I'm coming out of my cocoon and learning to flex my wings and fly...and that is a very good thing.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

November 19th, 2013: The Day of Divorce

Today obviously made more of an impact on me than it did on him...

I woke up at 7AM and bathed and got ready. I polished my nails and did my makeup. I chose my clothing with care, remembering the care I took getting ready for our marriage. I wore my blue silk blouse and my black jeans with sparkles.

He wore a brown shirt and jeans. His hair wasn't even brushed. As I struggled to fill out last minute papers, he played Bejeweled on his phone.

We pretty much approached life from radically different places and this was a clear example of that dichotomy.

It is finished...We are divorced...

I loved him unflinchingly, unfailingly and completely for 22 years and 11 months, from our first brief kiss at Mr. Gatti's in Austin, Texas.

He hugged me, I touched his face, we walked away. Sadness engulfed me.


So, now I build a life for myself...Not that I thought we'd ever be together again & not that I haven't been "building" a life these past 11 months, because I have been...But today I am longer own to be what I want to be, whatever that turns out to be.

Stand against "To Train Up A Child (In The Way They Should Go)" parenting books!!!!!

Muse Mama

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Silent stillness...

The pool of silence threatens me
Deep and black and still
Beckoning my soul to take a dip
In emotion cold and old
I stand frozen with longing
My heart burning with pain
And then I force myself to turn
To walk away again
Knowing that a better life
Cannot be found therein...