Saturday, January 16, 2016

Hatred, as taught by America...


I used to hang out with right-wing fundamentalist Christians who have a specific world view. This world view pits us against them. Us being the God-blessed Americans and them being whoever is in disfavor at the moment. But almost always people of "middle-eastern descent". Much of their specific view of the book of Revelation is used to support this us vs them mentality. It is Christianity taught/sponsored hatred. 

This was a point of Revelation that I studied and tried to grasp for 15 straight years with my older sister. We went to seminars, we studied books on "the end times" and we tried to grasp how Christ was going to come back and how there was going to be an Antichrist and a bloodbath before that. This teaching supports this hatred, this us vs them mentality. 

I have been out of the right-wing fundamentalist world - by choice - for a long time now. But I kept my finger on the pulse of the movement in Christian chat rooms on Yahoo where I learned about probably every denomination of Christianity known to mankind, some of them so obscure I had to search to research them, some of them so common I never thought to question what they taught.

And that, my friends, is the problem...Denominations so common I never thought to question what they taught. 

As I moved out of fundamentalism (because I realized that even though I'd been trying to fit into that model of Christianity, my experiential view of God wouldn't allow me to anymore) I moved more naturally into a Centrist worldview, because that is where my heart pretty much always was, even while I was trying to squash it into the fundamentalist model. It is a Centrist position that I believe "most" of America lives in. Most of the Americans I know are not radically left OR radically right. We are somewhat right or left of center, but for the most part we live in a Centrist view where we want our people and our government and the radical right and radical left to work together.

There are exceptions to those rules and a lot of those exceptions are very loud politicians. But they aren't, generally, the rank and file "we the people" of America. 

Yahoo has since shut down their Chat rooms and I have lost the pulse of the Dominion movement, the Calvinists, and the 10,000 different denominations I came to know in Christianity (oh my aching head). I have lost the pulse of the ultra fundamentalist branches...no big deal, usually...

Tonight I was in a social situation. I happened to mention that Saaed Abidini was released today in front of a friend of the friends I hang out with on the weekend. I thought this was a thing to rejoice. This person is a bit different than a lot of people I know, a very opinionated person, but I didn't realize until tonight the indoctrinated hatred this person has for people who are not like us. 

It began with Saaed...Because he was in Iran...Because he is of middle-eastern descent, even though he was born in America and a pastor in Idaho. This makes him one of "those people". Those people are every middle-eastern person that has ever lived because they all hate us and want only to kill us all in our sleep. Or with huge bombs that inflict much damage to everyone and everything around it. 

It spread to all Mexicans, then backwards in our history to all Vietnamese or anyone from "that part of the world". And if I had fought in the war with him I would understand and know that all of "those people" hate us and want nothing but death for us and how DARE we let any of them into our country. Every Syrian is coming here to kill us. Every Mexican gets free everything and we buy them a house and a car while we Americans have to work hard for our cars and houses. Every person who hates pork should be deported or killed...wait, what????

I fought back, calmly and then vehemently...to no avail. You cannot stand in the face of such hate. I pointed out that his hate was similar to the hate he was decrying. Oh, no, American hate is patriotic and Christian. 

And then he began on the President. Using vile names in place of his name. And I snapped and left because this social situation had become unbearable for me. 

Normally, I handle this stuff pretty well, but I am out of practice and I've been sick a couple days this week and I wasn't on top of my game. I fled, and I cried, and I despaired because THIS is the gap we can't seem to bridge. This is the ingrained hatred we cannot seem to throw off - anything not exactly like us wants to harm us. And I cried all the way home for my country and for my friends, who had to sit through this and then have a guest flee their home. 

We have agreed not to discuss politics (which this really wasn't politics exactly - it was more worldview) and that was sad too, because my friends are conservative and we manage to discuss our differences comfortably, respectfully, and we've never had an argument in the years we've been hanging out together. I guess it's because I barely know this man, and because, I believe, he has some PTSD from the war, and he had been drinking that allowed him to spew this hatred all over in a friendly social situation. I don't know. I guess I also had forgotten how vituperative it was, how much hatred it supports, and how sad that always makes me. 

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

My sister, Sharon...

Last night we lost my oldest sister, Sharon. She was only 66. Your sisters and your entire family will miss you so much. You were truly, as Heidi said, love incarnate. The beating heart and soul of your family. Everyone who has ever known you will miss you dearly. Say hi to my momma, our mom and dad and your own beloved mom and sister for us all!!! Rest in the glorious peace you so totally deserve.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Cycles, Doors, Keys

Cycles of life...Doors & keys. You walk through a door to where you do not want to be and you stand there, holding the key, longing to go back in.

You start walking, looking back often, the key held to your heart, next to the longing to go back to what you knew and loved.

What's back behind that door shifts and changes, going on without you...as you go on in your live, outwardly moving on, inwardly holding that key, that longing, next to your heart.

Then, one day, a day you knew was coming, a day you braced yourself for happens, forcing you to open your hand to look at the key held there. Forcing you to face the reality that there is nothing that key to that door holds for you anymore and you MUST let it go...

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Suspended timelessness...



I live a busy life. I don't know how my life got so busy, but it is what it is. Laundry, dishes, feeding the grandchild, water aerobics, visiting friends and family, I am on the go a LOT of the time...

I have some friends with a boat. They have invited me out on their boat, and I really like it. I went once toward the end of the season last year and then this year I've already been out with them 3 times. I've posted pictures on Facebook that I took of my first time out on Deer Lake and Long Lake.

Today we went back to Long Lake. It was almost picture perfect weather. We'd dropped out of the 100s and 90s and the temperature didn't hit much above 84 degrees. I'd taken a ton of pictures last time we were there so I didn't have my camera even out of my bag. We just skimmed the lake, stopped occasionally, skimmed the lake some more and basically relaxed. And then it happened...

I can't see my phone or my watch because of the glare on the lake so I didn't have my phone out or my watch on. I wasn't time driven, in other words. And I was overtaken by this sense of suspended timelessness. Not knowing what time it was made it feel like we'd been out on the lake all day, and that we would always be on the lake. It was positively blissful to feel that disconnected from the demands of/driving nature of "time" and "things that have to be done". 

For the first time in many weeks I felt totally, 100% relaxed. This is not a state I have achieved much in my lifetime. Floating clouds, blue skies and a rocking boat are an amazing relaxant. Stepping out of my "driven" life was a glorious thing. I am so thankful to have had that experience. A feeling of such oneness with nature, the lake, the sky, the people in the boat. Wow, what a great day. Thank you, my friends, for taking me along and including me in such peace and beauty and bliss.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Wow....

October of 2014 was my last post...about bathtubs...LOL

I am now 30 months past the day my life fell apart and I moved out of the house I loved and left the  man I loved more than sense dictated that I should. I wouldn't relive that first year alone for all the money in the world...so much pain, emoting, crying, smashing things, ripping things, trashing things. Thank God for my cat who would crawl up on my chest and lick the tears off my face and put her paw on my face as she butted my chin with her head. 

Year two was not as angst ridden. Lots of moments where I lost it, where I just wanted to scream and run and punch things, but, for the most part, I was finding my own balance, my own inner equilibrium. I was beginning to move through it all...I could see a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how far away it looked. 

I am now in year three....Good God where does time go?...and there came a month, I think it was March, when I looked up and realized...the light at the end of the tunnel is here and now. I am no longer shredded by seeing him (we share kids, there is ALWAYS seeing him). I can hear "our song" without falling into a puddle of tears. I can think of our life together and not ache so badly that I want to crawl into a hole. I have a life. It's full and busy and I've even been dating!!!

When I left him, the man I thought of as the love of my life and my soul mate, I did a lot of research into how long it was going to take before I stopped thinking of him and aching for him every single second of every single day and the wisdom said about 1 full month for every year you were together. We were together 23 years...They were pretty close, those wise psychologists whose blogs I read avidly as I fought one of the most emotional battles in my life. 

I am thankful, so utterly thankful, to be here where I am now. To be at a place where I am enjoying my full and rich life full of friends (a special thank you to my BFF, Sheila, who is always there for me) and water aerobics and work and coworkers who ROCK the universe and family who stood by me while I grieved and didn't put me down for it (thank you to my children, Bethany, Amber (yes, even you were pretty gentle with me all things considered), David, Jeremy, Michael and Sean for letting me slog my way through the insanity of grief and pain without letting me fall off the edge of the earth, and a special thank you to my Daughter-in-Law, Tamara, for always asking me how I was, always caring, always letting me fall apart when it got so damn painful), without all of you I would never have made it through year 1. I am so blessed.

Onward into my new life!!!! May you all travel it with me!!!!

Sunday, October 12, 2014

On bathtubs and bathing...

I have almost always hate bathing. I see it as akin to soaking dirty dishes in water. Ick...and I have avoided baths most of my life.

The house at 2519 W College Ave where I grew up, intermittently, did not have a shower. It had a claw footed bathtub, where I bathed until 1 month before I turned 13. Then I went to live with my father and step-mother and from that time on we had the "modern" kinds of bathtubs that don't hold a candle to a claw-footed tub in depth/length/comfort. I stopped bathing at that time.

Throughout my life I heard people wax eloquent about the relaxation of baths...I laughed at the thought. 

Then we moved into the Lincoln house up here in Spokane. It only had an enclosed, claw-footed tub. We learned to deal with bathing instead of showering (although I had to be taught how to sit down in a tub again - crazy!!!). 

And then, three moves later, I moved here, to The Daniels apartments, which also only has a claw-footed tub. And I finally learned why people like these things...

Epsom-salt baths by candlelight are very soothing. Add music and a drink, or your Kindle and a cup of coffee and it becomes almost spa-like. 21 months of bathing in unlimited hot water, paid for by my apartment complex, where you can let the water run after you get in the tub and therefore keep it hot, has been amazing as I negotiated the emotional morass of my divorce and beyond and the pain of my hurt foot and knee. 

Now we have applied for a new apartment that only has that molded, one-piece, modern kind of tub that makes bathing a waste of time...and I realize...I'm really going to miss this...

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

We are trying to raise money to move!!!!


My son's fiancé is living in a very unstable place for her where she was supposed to be out by the birth of the baby. We've managed to get more time given to us, but it is a matter of weeks before she has to begin sleeping on other peoples couches and dragging the baby/stuff along with her.

My son is also in a very difficult living situation and could be asked to leave at any moment.

Today, a government sponsored apartment house that we are on the waiting list for, called me for an apartment coming open on the first of September!!! We need to raise the $120 application fees in 24 hours. The rest (first/last/deposit) we have a couple of weeks to raise.

The rent is $700. We need first/last and a $700 deposit. Plus enough to rent a truck and put gas in it to move all 3 of us from 3 different parts of the city. Plus the application fees.

I have been unemployed for 5 months which puts us in a huge bind. Before that my son, his fiancé, and their baby girl, Bethany-Rose, born August 2nd, and I were going to move in together. All that was shelved when I lost my job. We had hoped I would get another job more quickly than I did, but it took longer...I am starting my new job on Monday, August 8th. I will not even see my first paycheck until the first week of September.

Thank you for even considering helping us!!!


Update: We have raised the application fee!!!!!