Saturday, July 26, 2003

She said YES!!!

Jon's mom said yes to our request!!! I could die of relief. They have a safe, COOL, clean place to be and an excellent school district. Michael's 6th grade will be in the same school as sean and he'll have another year to mature before middle school. I pray that this small town school turns out to be just what they need!!! This is going to be VERY rough on us all (especially Sean) but hopefully it will work out well in the end.

We went to Golden Corral for dinner. I did not sleep solid and have not all week. Too much change and stress, sigh.

We talked a bit more about Carole and her "thirst for power and control" over our lives. He fears she will push him to seek a lawyer and divorce me AND try to get custody of the kids. Sigh. GRRRRRR.

Jon's Mother

Jon's mother is driving me CRAZY with this "don't tell anyone" attitude about Jon's offense. Does she think that he is going to SHOUT IT TO EVERYONE??? Or put it on a tee-shirt???? Good grief.

We called the Sherriffs department and found out that his information will NOT be published in the Lampasas newspaper because his conviction was before 1995. THANK YOU GOD. Now maybe his mother will settle down.

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

Jon's mom

I have committed the unpardonable sin. I put the "SACRED" Nuessen email address on the same email as the "undesirable" Masters name. And now I am in trouble and all of our plans to move Jon and the boys up there to Lampasas is in jeopardy. And, as usual, everything is my fault. And now SHE and Jon are on an emotional tear. I am SO SICK of them BOTH and their moods and their freaking UNREASONABLENESS!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, July 22, 2003

Called out from work...

Called my father to wish him a belate happy birthday. Sounds like he had a GREAT time for his 73rd birthday!!!

Told them about Jon's layoff and our upcoming move(s).

Sent 4 rolls of film to Photoworks, INCLUDING wedding pictures.

Worked on packing our room. Jon worked on packing the computer room.

Spoke to Jeremy awhile.

Didn't feel well so I didn't go to work.

Monday, July 21, 2003

Happy Birthday, Daddy

It's just after 7AM and I am at the Chick-fil-A by our work. I was feeling panicked and trapped so I fled the house.

As much as I hate the house we rent ITSELF, and it's endless ability to suck us dry financially, I love our neighborhood and I'm going to miss it, as will the boys. To move from all of their friends to somewhere where they are out in the middle of NOWHERE is going to be tough for them.

Then we face the very real possibility that Jon may not be able to find work in "smalltown Texas" due to his conviction!!! We really need to save money and try to seek a pardon for him or this will haunt him his whole life!

WHAT ARE WE DOING????? This is truly insane.

Sunday, July 20, 2003


When I think of all the times and ways I've thought of leaving Jon it's one thing; but for HER to interfere is another and it makes me furious. It's so like her to be this controlling.

The sheer VOLUME of what has to be done over the next 3 weeks OVERWHELMS me. I am imobilized just thinking of it. Sigh.

Friday, July 18, 2003

The email

Jon sent his mom an email requesting permission for him and the boys to live in her office building for 6 months while I save money and pay bills and he gets a job. He even offered to pay her rent from his unemployment.

Thursday, July 17, 2003


I went to see the apartments yesterday. They are nicer on the inside in Phase I of the apartments than on David's side. We are going for the 2 bedroom/2 bath. Jason and Amber met me there and looked at it with me. It's layed out in a long, sort of narrow way. Very odd.

I was practically panicking. Jason and Amber walked me through figuring out how much we have coming in and how much we have going out. Alone I can't do it. But with Jon's unemployment we should be able to handle it.

I gave them a check for $164 and took the paperwork home to fill out. The thought of a credit AND criminal background check is a bit daunting (I attached explanations for both mine and Jon's criminal past). I will go home this morning and get Jon to sign all the parts he needs to sign and then take them over and drop them in the night drop box. Jennifer (the rental agent) said it can take as little as 2 hours to find out if we qualify.

More changes...

Dropped off the applications. David gave me a tour of the place...there's more grassy areas than I thought.

Slept fitfully. Got up and called the apartments...


Because of Jon's offense. I'm crushed. Now what?

Spent the evening at work discussing the upcoming move(s) with Amber and Jason and Jon and the boys.

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

More changes...

Went to see apartments in David's complex. Added up the money. Put down $164.00. Picked up the applications & filled them out, complete with descriptions of our convictions.

Tuesday, July 15, 2003


Today Jon filled out all of his unemployment & TWC paperwork. While at the site he looked for jobs.

Monday, July 14, 2003

My friend P 2

is at work. He got there late, after Marilynn called him at home and told him to come, but he is there. Jason says he is calmer but not calm, and more coherent, which is good. We are not out of the woods with this man but we have moved a few inches away from the precipice. Today Amber and I will build him a bear and call it Hope, to represent that which he seeks and which we seek for him. A small token for him to physically see in his life.

Jon job

This morning Jon had an 8AM meeting with Grant McKamie. He was given 3 options:
1. Quit
2. Get Fired
3. Be Laid Off with a) Can use Unisys as a reference and b) Qualify for Unemployement and c) 5 weeks severence pay.
He WISELY choose option 3.

When he walked into the house at 9AM I knew the news wasn't good. He was pale and shaky.

Sunday, July 13, 2003

My friend P

Last night, at work, I had to do a sort of mini-intervention with my friend P, because Jason, Amber and I truly came to believe that if he left work in the state he was in he would take another bottle of Xanax and wash it down with Whiskey and be dead by Monday. It was a rather scary place for us all to be, and it's only because I trust his word that I let him leave the building alone.

Hopelessness is the disease he suffers from. Hopelessness which leads to depression. Depression which leads to despair. Despair which leads to suicide. Lord, help me to teach him to hope. (What a daunting task).

How does life get so out-of-whack? Children do not start out convinced that life holds no good thing for them. How do we so mess up ourselves and our lives that we come to TRULY believe that there is NEVER going to be any good for us anywhere??? I don't understand.

I get depressed, but it isn't a CONSTANT state. I fall in, I climb out. But Phillippe seems to live in this emotional pit from which he cannot see any light, and therefore doesn't believe in the light.

Dear GOD, please reach out into the life of my friend P and show him, in some way, that there IS a reason to hope. In the name of Christ. Amen.

Saturday, July 12, 2003


I ran the idea of going home next summer by David (who was all for it) and Jeremy. Jeremy didn't seem too enthused. Sigh. It's complicated when you can't do something on your own. When you have to rely on others. Relying on others is NOT my forte. 50 times a week I ask myself WHY, OH WHY I didn't go back to Washington when Ron did. Sigh. I've gotten so good at questioning everything I've done, every feeling I've felt in this relationship. It makes me crazy!!!

Friday, July 11, 2003

Enough is Enough

It began with my birthday, this sensation that nothing I do or say will save this relationship. The sensation continues, strongly, as we battle over stupidity and conformity. And then, last night, the threat to harm our kitten and the bashing into me and knocking me's so over. I've known it for so long but I've refused to face it. It's over and I need to start making plans to leave him behind. Go home, to my family and friends. Find a job, get a life, stop living in oppression, repression and sometimes downright fear. There, I've said it. I'm afraid of him. Not so much when he is calm and rational, but those rare times when he loses it...I cower in fear. Me. Of all people. Sigh. And, sometimes, the boys seem caught in the anger spiral and they cry. And Sean fears. I can't bear that. When he heard his daddy threaten to give away the kitten, he cried. Sigh.

And yet...

thinking about never seeing his face, or his eyes (killer eyes)...never touching his face or his lips again makes me profoundly sad. There was SUCH potential. Such passion. Such love. Such a meeting of minds. Either that or I was simply delusional & insane. Sigh.

Jeff is losing his shop!!!

We saw David standing outside Jeff's shop talking with Jeff and another man and we stopped to say hello. That's when we learned that Jeff is losing his shop. Someone evidently embezzeled or laundered the $50,000 Jeff put up for the shop. So now they can't meet payroll or bills. Sigh. They are in the process of moving as we speak.

While I was there, David mentioned I should move in by him. 2 bedroom, $595 a month all bills paid. I think I could actually do that on my own but the problem is we ALL work 3rd shift. which leaves the boys alone all night. Sigh.

Jason wants me to move in with them but I worry about the boys. To be honest, the IDEAL solution is for Jon to be fired, me to live with Amber and Jason and the boys to go to his parents with him. That way I can save for the move to Washington state next summer. Either living with Jeremy and Tamara or Bethany and David. Hopefully till I get a job and get on my feet. Sigh. It's horrid to be the mother and to need so much help to "get away"!!!

Thursday, July 10, 2003


Last night, before work, Jon and I had a fight. Over the cat and the door and Sean. I think the tensions of worrying about work and things just boiled over. Things were said. Doors were slammed. And people were slammed. (We got to the front door of the house at the same time and bashed into each other which knocked me down). THIS is the very reason I stopped riding to work with him. Because at any given moment things deteriorate so rapidly that I end up sobbing by the time we get to work. I had to walk around the parking lot and get myself under control before I could even come in the door of work.

It was the same litany: I am a bitch. His life sucks. He's under so much pressure and I just don't understand or care. Which is bull. As I said in a previous entry: EVERYTHING HE DOES that affects work at least, affects us. Therefore I care. All the time. I live in terror of him getting fired...all the time. I can't sleep right, all the time, for worrying. Sigh. Life's a bitch and then you marry one (or are a married one) and then you die.

On Battling Depression

This was posted on an e-group I belong to in answer to a person who spoke of her long-time battle with depression:

"I quit looking so far into the future and focused exclusively on today. I wanted to live the best I could under the circumstances I was in, even though those weren't very good. (And when I finally learned to do that, my circumstances changed for the better!) Each morning, I counted my blessings - a roof over my head, something to eat, my children, the sound of the wind chimes on my porch, etc. I determined to become healthy in every way. I exercised (just short walks at first, nothing big!), I watched what I ate (grew a lot of my own veggies), avoided watching depressing or upsetting TV shows and movies, and read everything I could find about positive thinking. Books I found most helpful were: Emotionally Free by Rita Bennett, The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale, The Prayer of Jabez by Bruce Wilkinson, and The Courage to be Rich by Suze Orman. There are lots of others - look at your local library or bookstore in the self-help section. You deserve to be happy, and God/dess wants to give you blessings. Changing the kind of energy around you DOES make a difference!

Wednesday, July 9, 2003

On husbands...

Do husbands not realize that everything that happens to them impacts their families?

I'm lying beside my husband just before we attempt to drift off to sleep and he tells me that during the workday he'd been informed by Grant (our HR guy) that if Kemper doesn't approve his short-term disability (they are appealing) he will have 27 incidents of unexcused absences (sounds like elementary school, sigh). Which would mean, of course, immediate termination. He says this casually, with no inflection, like he'd say "It's raining."

My whole BEING went into shock. I've been SO AFRAID of him getting fired for the past couple of months that I could barely THINK!!! And now he gives me THIS information. Was I stunned? In a way. However, I've also been expecting SOMETHING of this nature for a couple of months. So, I'm recovering from this information through the night and then....

HE CALLS OUT AGAIN IN THE MORNING. I am FURIOUS!!! BAFFLED!!! ANGRY!!! WORRIED!!! AND INCREDIBLY PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!!! And I let him know this. Which he tried to turn around on me (the "Don't YOU be yelling at me" kind of stuff).

I think of the place we live...yeah, it isn't much but it's home. And he's just so willing to give it all up and throw our lives into chaos. To be honest I no longer believe he even CONSIDERS us in his life as he does things. (Assuming he ever did). I don't know how to deal with this. The CONSTANT WORRY.

I am going to start boxing stuff up. Why be caught unprepared? This is often-repeated behavior on his part and even IF we make it through this time, there will be a next time. I will be prepared. It's hot and it will be hard work to do this, but I am just so scared that he'll get fired in the last week of a month and I'll have 7 days to evacuate the house. I just can't get it together that fast.

Sunday, July 6, 2003


I lost a friend to cancer this year and another friend of mine is now battling breast cancer so death has been heavy on my mind lately. I've been thinking about the things I have learned about death (mostly from others who THINK they know) and what happens afterward.

Some people have said that when you die you forget everything you knew here on earth. It is this theory that has been rattling around my brain and disturbing me. What is the point of living if you forget everything you learn? If you can't remember the beautiful music you have heard or the beautiful artwork I have seen then why listen? Why look? Why read a book, no matter how grand, if you die and cannot remember a single word you read?

Even reincarnationists think you forget things from one life to another. That you essentially start from scratch.

It just makes our quest for "knowing" for gnosis, for knowledge seem so useless and trivial. Just wasted time. And this thought has made me incredibly sad. To the point where, when I was discussing it with Phillippe, I broke down and cried.

Futility. Waste. Emptiness. Hopelessness.

World Travel

I've always wanted to see the world and all the wonders thereof. Rome, Jerusalem, Ireland, Scotland, Australia and New Zealand being high on my list. Finances have prevented me from being able to do this.

As I have gotten older, this has started to bother me more. No matter how the world ends, there seems to be no chance that the earth will be the same on the other side. The mountains will fall therefore the buildings will fall. No Sistine chapel. No sacred wells. No Stonehenge to visit. This lifetime seems to be it. And most of us don't have the money to wander the earth...

I am just profoundly sad these days and it' is spilling over into all my thought processes.

Saturday, July 5, 2003

The Fourth of July

I have been so pensive, weepy and downright depressed lately. I see the world and what America is becoming and I shudder. I see others that either don't see what is happening OR who approve what is happening and I wonder if the world has gone mad.

I watched "The Patriot" today and I thought about our beginnings as a country. All the pride and the glory and the brilliance that went into making us. What happened to it? To us?

We became prideful and lazy. Too willing to let "big government" do it all. Too big. Too brash. Too undisciplined. And now? We may be too far down the road to recover. To regain the greatness that we were. I ache for my country and it's people. For what we may have to endure in our decline.

I pray for our leaders. We are facing dark times in the world and things are so complicated. Terrorists and terror abound. There seems no clear way to "fix" things.

Stress Cure...

Jiaogulan (pronounced gee-OW-goo-lahn) normalizes the body's neuro-endocrine functions - a fancy way of saying that it prevents stress hormones from flooding your body and wreaking havoc on your nerves during high-pressure situations.

Called "the poor man's ginseng" but it's really the smart woman's energizer; it's as good as ginseng at stimulating the release of the adrenal and thyroid hormones that activate your energy and metabolism. It also strengthens the heart, helping it pump more blood, oxygen and nutrients with every beat.

Jiaogulan can up your body's production of infection-fighting white blood cells by 225% in a month. Take 240 mg. of jiaogulan daily.

Jiaogulan is available in some health-food stores and Oriental herb shops. You can also order it online at Choose a standardized capsule, and start with 20-40 mg. three times daily. You should start feeling better within a week.

Tuesday, July 1, 2003

CJ's Big 5 Diet

NO Potatoes
NO Sugar
NO Bread
NO Rice
NO Pasta

As a general rule I violate CJs "Big 5" almost HOURLY here at work!!! Sigh. I can be out-of-control that way. Arrrgh.