Wednesday, July 9, 2003

On husbands...

Do husbands not realize that everything that happens to them impacts their families?

I'm lying beside my husband just before we attempt to drift off to sleep and he tells me that during the workday he'd been informed by Grant (our HR guy) that if Kemper doesn't approve his short-term disability (they are appealing) he will have 27 incidents of unexcused absences (sounds like elementary school, sigh). Which would mean, of course, immediate termination. He says this casually, with no inflection, like he'd say "It's raining."

My whole BEING went into shock. I've been SO AFRAID of him getting fired for the past couple of months that I could barely THINK!!! And now he gives me THIS information. Was I stunned? In a way. However, I've also been expecting SOMETHING of this nature for a couple of months. So, I'm recovering from this information through the night and then....

HE CALLS OUT AGAIN IN THE MORNING. I am FURIOUS!!! BAFFLED!!! ANGRY!!! WORRIED!!! AND INCREDIBLY PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!!! And I let him know this. Which he tried to turn around on me (the "Don't YOU be yelling at me" kind of stuff).

I think of the place we live...yeah, it isn't much but it's home. And he's just so willing to give it all up and throw our lives into chaos. To be honest I no longer believe he even CONSIDERS us in his life as he does things. (Assuming he ever did). I don't know how to deal with this. The CONSTANT WORRY.

I am going to start boxing stuff up. Why be caught unprepared? This is often-repeated behavior on his part and even IF we make it through this time, there will be a next time. I will be prepared. It's hot and it will be hard work to do this, but I am just so scared that he'll get fired in the last week of a month and I'll have 7 days to evacuate the house. I just can't get it together that fast.

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