Wednesday, February 26, 2003


I'm still battling depression. I feel both heavy and numb at the same time. It's an odd feeling.

"You seduced me with your mind and then you took it away. Instead of living life with me, you choose to live in a drugged stupor. And I walk the wasteland...screaming in pain...and you never even hear me."

Sunday, February 23, 2003


Where does the willingness go? When relationships cause such a vacuum of good that it begins to feel all bad? the dearth of good, kind, loving moments...the abundance of emptiness.

Jewel dies. Jon chooses punishment and suddenly I don't want to do this anymore.

Emptiness eats at my soul. Is there goodness or kindness anywhere anymore? So much emptiness in my marriage. And THIS is better than...WHAT???? Emptiness is emptiness.

My husband would rather be a drugged zombie than deal with life. I am part of that life that he would rather be drugged than deal with.

The life we have (I hesitate to use the word "created") together (did we EVER do anything together besides creating our sons?) is unbearable for him. How am I supposed to live and deal with that? Words literally fail me...

Friday, February 21, 2003

My Birthday...

Next year I am NOT going to take his birthday off of work. All I did was run errands for him and wait on him hand and foot. I do that ANYWAY without adding hours of slave labor to my day.

Today I am 50. Unless I have plans with the kids next year OR we are living in Spokane, I will not be taking my birthday off either. He never wants to go anywhere anyway. A waste of a day off. Sigh.

Jewel Hale died at 12:40PM today after a 3 year battle with cancer.

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

Jon's Birthday...

Jon's birthday was anti-climactic. We had spent Sunday at Golden Corral with Carole and Harold, Don and Terry, Penny and Jake and Sharon. Then off to Sharon's house for cake, ice cream and presents.

I received an angel pin from Carole, earrings and a wind up church from Sharon, and a manicure set from Don and Terri. It was lovely.

Jon and I also received a $100 gift card to JC Penneys. He wanted to look for a TV but they no longer carry them so instead we bought a new sheet set (light blue), a new comforter (dark blue and light blue plaid) and 2 new king size bed pillows, plus a small soft purple pillow for Jon's naps on the couch in the computer room.

Then, on his actual birthday, we did nothing (even though I took the night off, sigh). I mostly was his gopher for his lunch, coffee, drinks, etc. He got up at 7:30AM and was on the computer playing DAOC until 2:30AM the next morning. 19 hours of gaming! And then, REEKING of cigarette smoke, he crawled into our bed, between the new sheets...HUGE SIGH...where I had been since 10:30PM. He said it was a great birthday though. To each their own....