Sunday, June 29, 2003

Fairy Tales vs Reality

Life is difficult. The level of life we often seek is on such an unrealistic level that the failure to achieve it leaves the reality of life feeling even more empty and mundane than it is. I see so clearly why people eat, drink and do drugs to ease the pain of the gap.

Fantasy sets our sights so HIGH...on things that we often cannot achieve or have. we SAY to our children and to ourselves that we can do and/or be WHATEVER WE WANT to do or be. But our reality belies our dreams. We TELL ourselves lies to survive our realities.

And often, we shift the blame! "GOD" gave - "Satan" took. All the stories we tell ourselves to live in the mind-numbing pain and emptiness that is life.

Sunday, June 8, 2003

What if most of what you believed about yourself turned out not to be true? What if the ONE THING you thought you were good at turns out to be something you UTTERLY FAILED at? What if this causes you to be unable to live with yourself? What then?

To listen to Amber, for most of her life you'd think I was a HORRID parent. One child out of 4 right? Not bad.

But now Bethany, my oldest, is falling apart and the blame seems to be squarely on my shoulders.

And David...the burden he bore because of my stupidity.

And Jeremy...The scars he now bears from the break-up and the following insanity. To the point that he FEARS remembering his childhood.

Now we have 4 out of 4 and suddenly the very foundation of who I thought I was CRUMBLES.

~TOXIC MOTHER~ That's me.

So my purpose for staying with the boys and their father is what? To fuck up their lives too? So they can tell me later how I destroyed their lives? No WONDER my mom ran away.