Sunday, January 5, 2003


When Crossroads told me that I was responsible for "destroying" his life and I ACCEPTED that responsibility, I didn't think I'd have to carry it for the rest of my life. I foolishly thought he'd chose to partner me. To grow up. To shoulder some of the burden. 12 years later, I see i was...naive in this belief. Now I know that this may NEVER happen. It's a difficult thought for me to deal with. It creates a pool of resentment in my spirit that causes me to be moody, irritable and edgy. Not to mention depressed. I don't know what to do or how to handle it. I don't know how to empty the pool of resentment so it no longer influences me.

Besides the fact that his IRRESPONSIBILITY is ongoing. So - theoretically - I could be emptying this pool (i.e., prayer, writing out, forgiveness) just barely fast enough for the next filling. I don't know how to get to a place where his irresponsibility doesn't hurt/anger me anymore. LYING to myself by SAYING I don't care is just that - a LIE. And it just isn't working for me anymore.

I fell lost, alone, buried, depressed, angry, hurt...sigh...and HE doesn't even care. Sometimes I just want to run away and leave him with all the responsibility of the boys, dishes, laundry, work, scares me. Instead I stay and plod along all alone. Trying hard not to break and fall. Not to crack and start screaming or crying and not be able to stop.

I dream of love and peace. I wake to drudgery. Sometimes I don't want to wake. I just want to sleep on and on.

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