When Crossroads told me that I was responsible for "destroying" his life and I ACCEPTED that responsibility, I didn't think I'd have to carry it for the rest of my life. I foolishly thought he'd chose to partner me. To grow up. To shoulder some of the burden. 12 years later, I see i was...naive in this belief. Now I know that this may NEVER happen. It's a difficult thought for me to deal with. It creates a pool of resentment in my spirit that causes me to be moody, irritable and edgy. Not to mention depressed. I don't know what to do or how to handle it. I don't know how to empty the pool of resentment so it no longer influences me.
the fact that his IRRESPONSIBILITY is ongoing. So - theoretically - I
could be emptying this pool (i.e., prayer, writing out, forgiveness)
just barely fast enough for the next filling. I don't know how to get to
a place where his irresponsibility doesn't hurt/anger me anymore. LYING
to myself by SAYING I don't care is just that - a LIE. And it just
isn't working for me anymore.
I fell lost, alone, buried,
depressed, angry, hurt...sigh...and HE doesn't even care. Sometimes I
just want to run away and leave him with all the responsibility of the
boys, dishes, laundry, work, bills...it scares me. Instead I stay and
plod along all alone. Trying hard not to break and fall. Not to crack
and start screaming or crying and not be able to stop.
I dream of love and peace. I wake to drudgery. Sometimes I don't want to wake. I just want to sleep on and on.