Monday, March 3, 2003

Facing Facts...

I sent my quote to Jon for a response...who was I kidding? Only myself. I need to face facts: Intellectually my marriage does not exist. The "meeting of the mind" does not happen here. I need to stop hoping for true conversation and seek intellectual stimulation elsewhere: PREFERABLY with women.

"Criticism is the forerunner of divorce, the cultivator of rebellion, a catalyst that leads to failure. I am asking that we turn from the negative that so permeates our society and look for the remarkable good among those with whom we associate, that we speak of one another's virtues more than we speak of one another's faults, that optimism replace pessimism, that our faith exceed our fears. When I was a young man and was prone to speak critically, my father would say, 'Cynics do not contribute, skeptics do not create, doubters do not achieve.'" (Gordon B. Hinckley, Stand a Little Taller, p. 161)

So, if I can't have a reality that is anything like what I want, then I must readjust my desire for reality. Can I do this? And SHOULD I do this?

Why did GOD give us the brains we have if we don't choose to use them? Playing RPG games to the exclusion of real life relationships...

I took my responsibilities in this relationship seriously. But I've begun to see that I've probably done him (and I) a terrible disservice. I think our relationship is very destructive for both of us...but more for him because he was younger.

Having said this, the question is: NOW WHAT? Where do I go from here, 12 years into the "relationship" and 9 years into the "marriage"?? If this sham of a relationship is creating this stressful of a life for him then I have to consider that leaving him would be best. How do I judge this? How do I know? I have to say our relationship is destroying us both. Weights and balances...sigh.

Do I stay - KNOWING that I am basically alone in this 'relationship'? Alone here, alone there, what difference does it make? Alone is alone. So, if the bottom line is alone, I can do it here or there or anywhere.

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