Sunday, April 6, 2003


We talked a bit about my unwillingness to wait on him anymore. He doesn't get it, he never has. Then he made this assenine comment about his reasoning for getting married and not committing adultery that leads me to believe something I already suspected: He considers it to have been a mistake to have given up the opportunity for varied multiple sex partners to marry me. A depressing though but not one I've never thought before. People do the things they do for various reasons. I'll never understand the reason he married me. I just figure he wanted a maid, although considering the state of the house in Del Valle, that was a pretty unrealistic reason. But eventually he got what he wanted - a maid. Sigh. Oh the tangled webs we weave in our lives.

But then again, I am no real "catch" for him. I'm sure he ogles the hot women at work and wonders why the hell he tied himself down in his "sexual peak". Which is a source of resentment for him, I'm sure and the reason he won't "be a husband" in ways that I've wanted...time together (not in the same room watching the same movie), talking (which we had but lost), and touching (other than breast/genitals).

And to finally turn and face the fact that I've waited 12 years in VAIN and that I could have waited till HELL FROZE OVER and he would still not want a relationship with me was just the last straw that broke me. I can't be the naive, oblivious woman who does it all HOPING that her husband will turn toward her. I just can't do it anymore and survive emotionally. So, I detached. It's just less painful this way.

And now bright and shiny one...all gray and depressed. No period for her since October. All weepy and tired. Pretty scary when the child you thought you did your best with takes an emotional nosedive.

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