Last night, at work, I had to do a sort of mini-intervention with my friend P, because Jason, Amber and I truly came to believe that if he left work in the state he was in he would take another bottle of Xanax and wash it down with Whiskey and be dead by Monday. It was a rather scary place for us all to be, and it's only because I trust his word that I let him leave the building alone.
Hopelessness is the disease he suffers from. Hopelessness which leads to depression. Depression which leads to despair. Despair which leads to suicide. Lord, help me to teach him to hope. (What a daunting task).
How does life get so out-of-whack? Children do not start out convinced that life holds no good thing for them. How do we so mess up ourselves and our lives that we come to TRULY believe that there is NEVER going to be any good for us anywhere??? I don't understand.
I get depressed, but it isn't a CONSTANT state. I fall in, I climb out. But Phillippe seems to live in this emotional pit from which he cannot see any light, and therefore doesn't believe in the light.
Dear GOD, please reach out into the life of my friend P and show him, in some way, that there IS a reason to hope. In the name of Christ. Amen.
Sunday, July 13, 2003
Saturday, July 12, 2003
Jeremy
I ran the idea of going home next summer by David (who was all for it) and Jeremy. Jeremy didn't seem too enthused. Sigh. It's complicated when you can't do something on your own. When you have to rely on others. Relying on others is NOT my forte. 50 times a week I ask myself WHY, OH WHY I didn't go back to Washington when Ron did. Sigh. I've gotten so good at questioning everything I've done, every feeling I've felt in this relationship. It makes me crazy!!!
Friday, July 11, 2003
Enough is Enough
It began with my birthday, this sensation that nothing I do or say will save this relationship. The sensation continues, strongly, as we battle over stupidity and conformity. And then, last night, the threat to harm our kitten and the bashing into me and knocking me down...it's so over. I've known it for so long but I've refused to face it. It's over and I need to start making plans to leave him behind. Go home, to my family and friends. Find a job, get a life, stop living in oppression, repression and sometimes downright fear. There, I've said it. I'm afraid of him. Not so much when he is calm and rational, but those rare times when he loses it...I cower in fear. Me. Of all people. Sigh. And, sometimes, the boys seem caught in the anger spiral and they cry. And Sean fears. I can't bear that. When he heard his daddy threaten to give away the kitten, he cried. Sigh.
And yet...
thinking about never seeing his face, or his eyes (killer eyes)...never touching his face or his lips again makes me profoundly sad. There was SUCH potential. Such passion. Such love. Such a meeting of minds. Either that or I was simply delusional & insane. Sigh.
Jeff is losing his shop!!!
We saw David standing outside Jeff's shop talking with Jeff and another man and we stopped to say hello. That's when we learned that Jeff is losing his shop. Someone evidently embezzeled or laundered the $50,000 Jeff put up for the shop. So now they can't meet payroll or bills. Sigh. They are in the process of moving as we speak.
While I was there, David mentioned I should move in by him. 2 bedroom, $595 a month all bills paid. I think I could actually do that on my own but the problem is we ALL work 3rd shift. which leaves the boys alone all night. Sigh.
Jason wants me to move in with them but I worry about the boys. To be honest, the IDEAL solution is for Jon to be fired, me to live with Amber and Jason and the boys to go to his parents with him. That way I can save for the move to Washington state next summer. Either living with Jeremy and Tamara or Bethany and David. Hopefully till I get a job and get on my feet. Sigh. It's horrid to be the mother and to need so much help to "get away"!!!
While I was there, David mentioned I should move in by him. 2 bedroom, $595 a month all bills paid. I think I could actually do that on my own but the problem is we ALL work 3rd shift. which leaves the boys alone all night. Sigh.
Jason wants me to move in with them but I worry about the boys. To be honest, the IDEAL solution is for Jon to be fired, me to live with Amber and Jason and the boys to go to his parents with him. That way I can save for the move to Washington state next summer. Either living with Jeremy and Tamara or Bethany and David. Hopefully till I get a job and get on my feet. Sigh. It's horrid to be the mother and to need so much help to "get away"!!!
Thursday, July 10, 2003
Drama
Last night, before work, Jon and I had a fight. Over the cat and the door and Sean. I think the tensions of worrying about work and things just boiled over. Things were said. Doors were slammed. And people were slammed. (We got to the front door of the house at the same time and bashed into each other which knocked me down). THIS is the very reason I stopped riding to work with him. Because at any given moment things deteriorate so rapidly that I end up sobbing by the time we get to work. I had to walk around the parking lot and get myself under control before I could even come in the door of work.
It was the same litany: I am a bitch. His life sucks. He's under so much pressure and I just don't understand or care. Which is bull. As I said in a previous entry: EVERYTHING HE DOES that affects work at least, affects us. Therefore I care. All the time. I live in terror of him getting fired...all the time. I can't sleep right, all the time, for worrying. Sigh. Life's a bitch and then you marry one (or are a married one) and then you die.
It was the same litany: I am a bitch. His life sucks. He's under so much pressure and I just don't understand or care. Which is bull. As I said in a previous entry: EVERYTHING HE DOES that affects work at least, affects us. Therefore I care. All the time. I live in terror of him getting fired...all the time. I can't sleep right, all the time, for worrying. Sigh. Life's a bitch and then you marry one (or are a married one) and then you die.
On Battling Depression
This was posted on an e-group I belong to in answer to a person who spoke of her long-time battle with depression:
"I quit looking so far into the future and focused exclusively on today. I wanted to live the best I could under the circumstances I was in, even though those weren't very good. (And when I finally learned to do that, my circumstances changed for the better!) Each morning, I counted my blessings - a roof over my head, something to eat, my children, the sound of the wind chimes on my porch, etc. I determined to become healthy in every way. I exercised (just short walks at first, nothing big!), I watched what I ate (grew a lot of my own veggies), avoided watching depressing or upsetting TV shows and movies, and read everything I could find about positive thinking. Books I found most helpful were: Emotionally Free by Rita Bennett, The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale, The Prayer of Jabez by Bruce Wilkinson, and The Courage to be Rich by Suze Orman. There are lots of others - look at your local library or bookstore in the self-help section. You deserve to be happy, and God/dess wants to give you blessings. Changing the kind of energy around you DOES make a difference!
"I quit looking so far into the future and focused exclusively on today. I wanted to live the best I could under the circumstances I was in, even though those weren't very good. (And when I finally learned to do that, my circumstances changed for the better!) Each morning, I counted my blessings - a roof over my head, something to eat, my children, the sound of the wind chimes on my porch, etc. I determined to become healthy in every way. I exercised (just short walks at first, nothing big!), I watched what I ate (grew a lot of my own veggies), avoided watching depressing or upsetting TV shows and movies, and read everything I could find about positive thinking. Books I found most helpful were: Emotionally Free by Rita Bennett, The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale, The Prayer of Jabez by Bruce Wilkinson, and The Courage to be Rich by Suze Orman. There are lots of others - look at your local library or bookstore in the self-help section. You deserve to be happy, and God/dess wants to give you blessings. Changing the kind of energy around you DOES make a difference!
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