Friday, January 15, 2010

Reflections on an Aha! Moment...


Last night, as I was walking over to my Son and Daughter-in-laws house to drop off some paperwork & to see my other daughter, who is up from Texas, I pondered this issue my husband has with the family I have from before he & I were married, that causes every visit to our house to be this HUGE DRAMA, to the point where I usually just give up and go to their house. (Of course, right now, with a newborn, going there makes more sense - but I'm not talking specifically about now). And I realized as I walked there last night, that it doesn't matter that my husband & I are getting along better BECAUSE MY HUSBAND WILL ALWAYS BE AS HE IS in this area of our life...

It doesn't matter anymore if he's doing this to hurt me or if he doesn't think that way anymore. It just doesn't matter "WHY," it simply "IS". It is what it is (as Vicki always says) & my husband will always be as he is.

If I stay with my husband, MY CHILDREN/THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS/THEIR CHILDREN will never, ever, EVER be welcome in our home. And I asked myself, why should I have to live like this? Why would I CHOOSE to live like this? And I realized I wouldn't choose to live like this.

And I was sad...

10 comments:

GoldenAngelsWorks said...

I can definitely understand why you are so sad. I do not know what I would do in your position. Prayers for you to gain some understanding and direction.

MysticBlueRose said...

Thank you. I'm sort of at wits end as you can tell...

Dena said...

I trust that the One who gave you this insight also has a solution for you -- and will actively lead you from this point, through whatever decision you will need to make, and into whatever next stage of your life you most need.

I cannot tell you what it will look like - no one can. It may involve inward change, or outward change, or both. But change is inevitable, now that you see what you see.

You SHALL be led.

I am thanking Him now for the solution that is already en route to you.

MysticBlueRose said...

Thanks, Dena.

brian said...

Debra,

I am sad with you. I hope you find a resolution to this situation very soon. I know it has been weighing on you for quite a while.

Peace,
Brian

MysticBlueRose said...

I had been ignoring it, hoping it would go away. Now, I'm facing it. That means I have to deal with it, one way or another.

Debra

Arizona mom to eight said...

Oh no, my heart skipped beats reading this, so terrible, so cruel and so unfair of him to do this. I know it is not new, I had hoped things would change, people can change IF THEY WANT TO, but obviously this is not the case with your DH.

No wonder you are so sad, I am sad reading it.

MysticBlueRose said...

I had hoped and prayed it would be something he'd work through/get over. But it's been 19 years now and no luck. Pondering....

Jim Wehde said...

Debra,

I have no answers. Sucky world! I'm asking Father for you to be surprised...

...I have no idea what that will look like. Thinking about you today.

MysticBlueRose said...

Comment via email from my friend, Kay:

Well all I can say is sometimes you have to bite the bullet...
You do what you have to do in order to get something accomplished...

My meaning is, in my life, my husband wont ever allow my daughter's husband in our home even if they were homeless...
He allows my daughter and our grandson, no problem...
He will not allow the daughters husband, and as Debra knows about me, it is because the daughters husband basically made my daughter run away from home and from me...

This was in 2002 and my husband and I blame him for her leaving home at age 18, not graduating high school and leaving me a hateful letter...
She left behind my back when I was at work and I was devastated to come home to find her gone...

However since that time we have visited back and forth from Beaumont Texas to Austin Texas and it is a good 250 mile drive one way...
We have both gone to see them a few times and stayed in hotels a couple of days and I have gone there to see her by myself a few times, and my daughter has come here with her son and stayed at our house for about a week each time...

Now she works and my grandson is in school...
It was so much easier when they weren't commited to other things...
So now there is a schedule to keep with her job and his school...
The husband is now out of work and has lots of free time...
We have visited the 3 of them in their home, but we have never had the 3 of them in our home...
Something which I fear will never happen...

Although I feel despise for her husband and cannot stand him at all, I do tolerate him in order to see my daughter...
Which leads me to your answer to your question...
If I can tolerate my daughters husband long enough to see my daughter, then why cant my husband allow them all to visit here in our home?
I hate it that this man made my daughter run away from home...
I will hate that forever in my heart...

However if I let that fact be known to them, I will probably never see them again, so when my chance to visit is coming up I always pretend I am anxious to see them all...
If I must, I drive to see them...
I pay for the gas, time, food, wear on the car and my body with the long drive...

So to sum it up, what must be done is done for the sake of sanity and love of my daughter...
I love my daughter more than I hate her husband...
So if I have to choose seeing her with him or not seeing her, I choose seeing her of course...
I just ignore him as much as possible...
So that's my advice...

I stay with my husband who is bent on all three of them not being in our home over the alternative of never seeing my daughter again...
I just put up with it cause it is easier to not rock the boat as it were...
I hope you understood all of this and I am sorry it is so long...
I didn't know how else to explain unless you first had a working knowledge of me...
I stay with my husband also because I happen to love him and could not survive without him financially since I am unemployed and disabled...

But even if those reasons were of no concern, I would stay because I am allowed to see my daughter between these 2 men whenever I want or can...
It does not matter that they are not allowed in our home more than me seeing them in theirs...
I think my daughter understands this...

She has since apologized for the running away and says she loves me...
She brings the grandson of 7 years to see granny and I have that distinct title over the mother in law...Yippeeeee!!!!!
I am the granny...
I want to stay the granny so I put up with whatever it takes to stay in that position...
That's my advice...
Love and God bless you...KAY