I wanted to share a story from my early parenting years...

that shows the difference in how I saw GOD then, and how I see GOD now...I hadn't thought of this in awhile, till this morning when a friend of mine mentioned that her oldest son lost his first child to SIDS. It's funny how one's thoughts can suddenly zoom back...

I was 22 when my first daughter was born and crib death was just becoming "big". I'm sure it had been around for forever, but it just wasn't known as "crib death" and it wasn't big in the media. When the media latches on to something, it makes it all so much more "dramatic" you know?

Anyway, I was in the process of becoming a Mormon back then, and Mormonism is very fundamentalist (even though I didn't know that word yet). And becoming a Mormon on top of all the Revelation seminars I'd gone to (sponsored by various Seventh Day Adventist groups) had convinced me of one thing...

I was a wretched sinner who was one 1,000th of a millimeter of going straight to hell. And along the way to hell, GOD could reach out and smite me in any way he chose because of my bad behavior. This abject terror of this hands-on, smite-at-will GOD affected my fear of crib death because I JUST KNEW that the main way GOD would smite me would be to hurt my child. (Parents out there will know of what I speak here).

So, every single morning I would lie in my bed, listening for her to make a sound, terrified that I would go into her room in the morning and find her dead, GOD's punishment for my vile life. I was literally imobilized until I could hear a noise from her in the morning. I lived in an L shaped trailer at the time, and out my bedroom door was a back door into the living room. I could go out and back in and totally bypass her room. Then I'd putter around in the kitchen waiting for that noise, so I could go hold my daughter. This lasted probably her whole first year of life.

I reflect on this terror because I was a fundamentalist throughout my whole first 4 children's lives and my tension, my fears, probably affected them greatly (not to mention my whole Revelation/Apocalypse obsession). And for that I am so sorry and hope they can forgive me.

I was more centrist for the last two children and I thank GOD for the lessening of fear, even with Sean being born with a heart condition. (I did keep him by my bed his first few years, but that was practical as well as fear of his heart stopping, and it wasn't that terror of GOD - although that whole GOD will smite me theme ran rampant in my heart/mind after he was born with an imperfect heart and led to such a screaming/crying match between myself and GOD...well, you'll just have to imagine it if you can).

Ok, don't know why I was compelled to share this at this time, but I was..

A friend of mine sent me this....

Recently, in a large city in France ,
a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.
It said, "This summer,
do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman,
whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster,
responded publicly to the question
posed by the gym.


To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.)
They have an active sex life,
get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.
They play and swim in the seas,
seeing wonderful places like Patagonia ,
the Bering Sea
and the coral reefs of Polynesia .
Whales are wonderful singers
and have even recorded CDs.
They are incredible creatures
and virtually have no predators
other than humans.
They are loved, protected and admired
by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist.
If they did exist,
they would be lining up outside the offices
of Argentinean psychoanalysts
due to identity crisis. Fish or human?
They don't have a sex life
because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?
Just look at them ... where is IT?
Therefore, they don't have kids either.
Not to mention,
who wants to get close to a girl who smells
like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me:
I want to be a whale.

P..S. We are in an age
when media puts into our heads
the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.
With time, we gain weight
because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads
that when there is no more room,
it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy,
we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.
Beginning today,
when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,
Good grief, look how smart I am!

Drake Update - 6 months!!!

Drake had his 6 month checkup today & weighs 16lbs 6oz and is 26 inches long.

RIP Gummy Bear

Our White Winter Russian Dwarf hamster, aka, Gummy Bear, died last night. She was the sweetest thing and I am going to miss her so much.

Reflections on an Aha! Moment...

Last night, as I was walking over to my Son and Daughter-in-laws house to drop off some paperwork & to see my other daughter, who is up from Texas, I pondered this issue my husband has with the family I have from before he & I were married, that causes every visit to our house to be this HUGE DRAMA, to the point where I usually just give up and go to their house. (Of course, right now, with a newborn, going there makes more sense - but I'm not talking specifically about now). And I realized as I walked there last night, that it doesn't matter that my husband & I are getting along better BECAUSE MY HUSBAND WILL ALWAYS BE AS HE IS in this area of our life...

It doesn't matter anymore if he's doing this to hurt me or if he doesn't think that way anymore. It just doesn't matter "WHY," it simply "IS". It is what it is (as Vicki always says) & my husband will always be as he is.

If I stay with my husband, MY CHILDREN/THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS/THEIR CHILDREN will never, ever, EVER be welcome in our home. And I asked myself, why should I have to live like this? Why would I CHOOSE to live like this? And I realized I wouldn't choose to live like this.

And I was sad...

My Dr. Who/God analogy...

For those of you who don't know, Dr. Who is a Time Lord on BBC Television, untethered by time and space. I am not an old school Dr. Who watcher, I started watching the year that Christopher Eccoleston was the Dr., so I don't have a lot of history of the show in my mind. And, to be honest, I liked Christopher Eccoleston, but Dr. Who REALLY came alive for me when David Tennant took over the role. I found myself having GOD moments while watching him...

Much is made of his loneliness. He is a Time Lord. He cannot die. If he is in a relationship with you, there will always be sorrow ahead when you die and he does not. And yet, he continually seeks relationship, driven by the need to not be alone. That kind of made me think of how I was first taught the "why" of why GOD created human beings...because he was lonely. So that was my first GOD thought, but it wasn't the one that really took hold of my heart/mind...

It is the way David Tennant portrays Dr. Who's love of people that shows me the most GOD moments. He LOVES humans. He always believes they are worth saving, even when a "bad guy" (or a doubting good guy) comes along and thinks that the whole human race should be slaughtered/burned/destroyed. He finds us resilient and brilliant. He sees us as growing and overcoming. And he finds every little thing we do delightful. Just like a heavenly parent would.

Even that which others feel are huge flaws in humanity doesn't sway him. He is enthralled, enamored & delighted by humanity. He approaches every one and every place and every thing with such joy and enthusiasm...oh, don't get me wrong, he has serious moments. Teaching moments. But it never detracts from the fact that these humans are amazingly brilliant, evolving into better beings whom he revels in.

And that is how I see GOD. However you define that word. Whether it is that old man in the white robe with the long beard, or the Buddha in lotus position or Allah in the heavens, or the intelligence or energy that moves and lives through every being in the universe...GOD is delighted with his created beings. He revels in them. He thinks they are brilliant, and getting ever more brilliant by the year. Yes, they have issues. GOD loves them anyway. Yes, they fall down, then GOD delights when they pick themselves up and find another way over/under/around/through their issues. Oh, if we could only see us in the light of that divine Joy.

Thank you, Dr. Who, for portraying that so brilliantly. There will never be another Dr. Who like you in my estimation. You are utterly amazing...

God thoughts...

We've been having a discussion on and egroup I belong to about the existence of GOD. Because so many of us have had our conceptualizing of GOD shaken by the path we are on. This was how I responded:

I think I am "luckier" than most in that I knew GOD before I ever met a Christian or saw a Bible. I knew her in the woods near my home. In the river in that woods. She told me bedtime stories at night. Comforted me in the dark. I know there is "something" beyond us. Is it a man in a white robe with a long white beard sitting on a platinum/jewel encrusted throne? Doubtful. But there is something. A mind...an energy...a consciousness...a something" beyond us that created/creates us and sustains us (us as in the entire Universe). That is the very molecules we breathe/are/eat/see. Am I a traditional Christian" anymore at all? Sigh. Doubtful by all of the definitions. Do I believe there was a man named Y'shua that lived a fuller, more GOD imbued/indwelt life than most? Yes. Just like there was a Buddha that lived a more GOD imbued life than most. And, maybe, a Mohammed that lived such a life. When you plug in to the Divine (think the Matrix in reverse)...into the life/power/mind of the universe, there is something there that infinitely changes you...whoever YOU are.

On the "End Times"...

From another friend: Once you see how the end times fit with the end of the old covenant ... then everything in scripture makes *sense* and falls into place.

Then the fear is gone ... for once we see that we live in the new heavens and new earth (same thing as new covenant), and that the Kingdom comes NOT by observation (can't see it), but is at hand, here and now, in our midst, within us, IOW, a spiritual reality that transcends the physical ... then we can stop waiting for some extra-biblical "utopia" to descend upon us, WAKE UP and realize that our physical world is what WE make of it (we are co-creators) ... and we are not victims, but participants ... and we can become responsible for the choices we've made thus far (whether individually or collectively, whether knowingly or ignorantly), and *choose again*...!

Christianity = Insanity, in my book. A man-made construct that causes the traditions of man to nullify the Word of God (which is not a bound book, but the still, small Voice within us -- for if the Kingdom is within us, SO too is the King!).

We have been duped by the traditions of man ... but we can have eyes to see, ears to hear, and we can not only enter the Kingdom (awaken to who we really are IN Christ), but be contagious, inviting others to awaken, too.

We DO, here and now, have the Mind of Christ. ~ Dena Brehm

Doubt...

The chorus of an Old Crow Medicine Show tune contains the following line: “We’re all in this thing together, walking the line between faith and fear.” I’ve learned that the only people I really care to hang with are people with the humility required to admit their doubts. And when we admit our anthropomorphized, split personality conception of Superhero/Supertyrant God doesn’t hold up – doesn’t “work” - we’re bound to “flirt” with atheism. I’ve heard and read and shared reams of apologetics for God, and have come ‘round to seeing it all as a waste of time and energy. If God is God, then God doesn’t lose an ounce of sleep over this – that is, if God is both the source of all Truth and Creator of all that is including the human power of reason, then it seems that God should fully expect human doubts re: the existence of an unseen “Spirit” with personality in a world containing mind-numbing pain and suffering, a world where proof of God is simply not possible. I’m increasingly drawn to an elusive/mystery-filled conception of the divine as the combination of God-isms in the scriptures: God is love, spirit (life), goodness and light (truth). This God “works”, AISI, but certainly not in the way the God-in-a-Calvinist-box assumes. ~ Rob Hunter