Neo

On the way home from work today we stopped in Garfield and picked out a new kitten. A little orange tabby with white paws and a white chest. He is adorable. He is NOT tigger, but he is darling. We will name him Neo.

Some people are driven to achieve, to succeed. Others are content to just float through life (sort of like me). Others get lost and question everything they've ever done (also sort of like me).

I wanted to be a mom. And I rarely questioned myself on my chosen path until I chose Jon. From that moment on I have had to question myself so often that I now doubt myself ALL THE TIME. I hate being so unsure of myself all the time. And this thing with Bethany has shattered my foundations. If I screwed up the child I saw as my first gift from GOD then all I believe about myself as a mother is false. And my "being a good mom" perception is a crock. The definition of who I thought I was is/was/could be TOTALLY WRONG. Can a person be this wrong about their core self???

And BETHANY thinks about running away? How many times have I wanted to run or end it all?

Back from Vegas

Vegas was a break and NOW BACK TO MY REGULARLY SCHEDULED MIND-NUMBING, SOUL-CRUSHING LIFE.

OK rant over. There's just no freaking point. There's never been one I guess...it just took me 12 years to figure it out. Women, the gullible species.

And now I can't share any of the pain and despair with Bethany. And I am forbidden to share with Amber so I'm pretty much on my own. What a thought. Sigh. Such a concept. I wonder if Gram had anyone to talk to when Vern was being such an ass? If she had a sister or a good friend to support her and hear her venting? I sure hope so. It's such an isolating thing.

Unrelenting resentment eats the heart and soul. It's shifting my personality and I HATE it. I have to figure out a way to release resentment before it kills me. Emotionally and literally.
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Tigger died today. We don't eve know what was wrong with him. It was very swift but he didn't seem to suffer, thank GOD. Tigger was our orange cat but he was so much more than that He was the loving heart of our life In times of stress When we were a mess He'd touch our face with his paws or face And purr his love into our hearts. We'll miss you Tiggy-poo.

Talking

We talked a bit about my unwillingness to wait on him anymore. He doesn't get it, he never has. Then he made this assenine comment about his reasoning for getting married and not committing adultery that leads me to believe something I already suspected: He considers it to have been a mistake to have given up the opportunity for varied multiple sex partners to marry me. A depressing though but not one I've never thought before. People do the things they do for various reasons. I'll never understand the reason he married me. I just figure he wanted a maid, although considering the state of the house in Del Valle, that was a pretty unrealistic reason. But eventually he got what he wanted - a maid. Sigh. Oh the tangled webs we weave in our lives.

But then again, I am no real "catch" for him. I'm sure he ogles the hot women at work and wonders why the hell he tied himself down in his "sexual peak". Which is a source of resentment for him, I'm sure and the reason he won't "be a husband" in ways that I've wanted...time together (not in the same room watching the same movie), talking (which we had but lost), and touching (other than breast/genitals).

And to finally turn and face the fact that I've waited 12 years in VAIN and that I could have waited till HELL FROZE OVER and he would still not want a relationship with me was just the last straw that broke me. I can't be the naive, oblivious woman who does it all HOPING that her husband will turn toward her. I just can't do it anymore and survive emotionally. So, I detached. It's just less painful this way.

And now Bethany...my bright and shiny one...all gray and depressed. No period for her since October. All weepy and tired. Pretty scary when the child you thought you did your best with takes an emotional nosedive.

On being a puppy...

I was like a puppy. I waited, in joyful anticipation, for his words, his touch. When he was mean, I'd run away, but I'd eventually go back and wait by his feet again, BELIEVING that he'd eventually pay attention to me...I feel like a naive IDIOT!!!

I know, now, that he will NEVER turn toward me. All of his promises that AFTER drugs, probation, WHATEVER, he would have time for "US" was just to placate me. To play on my naivete. I feel utterly stupid and lied to. A fool. That's me.

Could I have waited the rest of my life IN VAIN?!!! Yes, I could have. But my birthday shifted my paradigm and I cannot shift it back.