Musings

I talked to Bethany about this today. Some days, and they aren't a lot, I feel like I can stay married to him. Other days it's like, I cannot do this one more moment. Sigh. I guess that is life, yes?

We talk about how we got here. How this force for lack of a better word, came to be in our lives. Bethany feels responsible because she asked him into our lives. I feel responsible because I let him stay in our lives. Sigh.

Marriage

I don't understand why marriage is so difficult for me. Other women marry, have kids, do fine...I, on the other hand, am dying.

I'm sure that some of it comes from marrying the wrong person at the wrong time for what seemed to be the right reason.

I mean, I knew, from the very beginning that he didn't love me. That he loved Bethany. What I couldn't know then, of course, is that he would continue to love her for 15 long years. And that, in the end, that would kill my love for him, my belief in us, my desire to be married to him at all...

One of the world's GREATEST women has gone...

Last night at approximately
10PM my grandmother,
Reva Mildred Arp Michelbook, died.
The world is sorely diminished.

I am here

the blank page stares at me

beckoning me to write

but nothing comes to me

and i just don't have the fight

to seek my heart

and pour it out

in this superfluous place...

I Can't do This...Literally

I Can't Do This Plumb lyrics

I woke up late
Guess Im never really early
I hesitate, only to fail
I get so tired, of procrastinating
I need a change

Chorus:
I cant do this
I cant do this
I cant do this by myself
I cant do this
I cant do this
Oh God I need Your help

Im standing still
Im oh, so peaceful
I cant pretend, that Im fine
I get so ill, crazy agitated
When Ive not really died

Chorus:
I cant do this
I cant do this
I cant do this by myself
I cant do this
I cant do this
Oh God I need Your help

Press into me
Breathe me in
Bask in me
Youll be free, to do anything

Chorus:
I cant do this
I cant do this
I cant do this by myself
I cant do this
I cant do this

Oh God I need Your help I cant do this
I cant do this
I cant do this by myself
I cant do this
I cant do this
Oh God I need Your help

A Thought to Behold...a good analogy...

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life. Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.

What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups and were eyeing each other's cups. Now consider this: Life is the coffee, and the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and do not change the quality of Life. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided."

So, don't let the cups drive you, enjoy the coffee instead.

Cancer

WHAT IS IT ABOUT THIS WORD???? Why does it wreak havoc? Why does it frighten us? Just the SAYING of this word causes people to see death.
My grandmother has cancer. It's not the first time she's had cancer, but it will be the last time she has cancer. This time the cancer will kill her.
It's already killing her. She is tired. She is listless. Nothing tastes good to her anymore. I don't know if this is the cancer itself or the medications she is on.
I see her hands...hands that held me...that helped me walk...the kept me safe...all veined and old and frail...I weep in agony of not being able to find a single morsel to tempt her with because nothing sounds good to her anymore.
I see her skin...fragile, almost translucent. Beautiful in an ethereal way. She is fading away like a wraith, right in front of my eyes. I want to hold her and scream: "Don't GO!!!" Knowing that nothing I am, nothing I say, nothing I do can hold the line against death.