Thursday, August 23, 2007

Hope lost...

Sixteen years ago I made a mistake in judgment that caused several disastrous incidents, with one specific incident in my family that actually happened 15 years ago this July. I freely admit I made a horrendous mistake. I carried that burden totally alone for 10 years, without even believing GOD would forgive me before I broke down in a prayer session in a friends home and finally asked GOD for forgiveness. I believe GOD and almost all of my family has forgiven me except the one who was involved in the incident that July.

I have struggled with this for 15 years. I have paid for this emotionally and spiritually for 15 years. And today, for the first time, I've lost hope.

I truly believed that someday, somehow, we would find a way to work through it, past it, beyond it someway. But today, I admit defeat. It can't be done. I can't break down or through the barrier. I admit that my mistake has irreparably damaged my relationship with my daughter. It's my fault. I made a bad call, and I admit it.

In my 32 years of parenting, it's the worst judgment call I've ever made. It will torment and haunt me forever.

Does this mean I'm a bad mother? It does to my daughter. And when I see myself through her eyes, it does to me. It makes me doubt my very being.

When I see myself through the eyes of my other five children, I can almost believe I'm an OK mother. But the one view poisons the whole to the point where I ache with the spiritual burden and know that even though I've thrown the burden on GOD, I don't let him keep it. I take it up again believing I need to continue to be punished, believing that if I accept enough punishment she will come to forgive me and in forgiveness love me and find healing with me...

Until today.

Now I clearly see that there isn't any price high enough for me to pay that will ease her pain and create in her a forgiving heart. And today, I lay it down at the feet of GOD and say, I failed. I created chaos and I can't fix it, please, GOD, touch her heart and heal her. And I turn and walk away.................................

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