Monday, March 24, 2003

Remind me...

Remind me NEVER to ask Jon to take me to work again unless I have NO OTHER options. It simply does not serve at the alter of Jon's over-inflated SELF. I have truly NEVER in my ENTIRE LIFE known another human being so NARCISSIST in nature. So closed to the wants and needs of others. SO FREAKING OBLIVIOUS!!!

Monday, March 17, 2003

The Masters Throne

I sometimes wonder if my exhaustion registers at all on the radar screen of his being...but then again, probably not. It doesn't serve his SELF to let my issues impinge upon his being.

And me? I am kept in his "regard" only as I serve his "SELF". But I am so TIRED of it all. It makes living so freaking difficult. I am even tired of my own futile attempts at rationalization! And nothing reaches him...

Wednesday, March 12, 2003


WHY LORD, WHY, if exercise begins to make my body respond SO QUICKLY do I let it slide so easily and so often? I mean it's only been 3 days of walking again and already my lower abdomen feels internally more taut. I know it will be WEEKS before I can PHYSICALLY see a difference on the outside, but it's amazing how soon I start to FEEL a change in muscle tone! Why doesn't this feeling of better tone all over not create a sense of DETERMINATION in me???

I WANT TO WANT TO!!! As Paul was wont to say, "The good that I want to do doesn't happen." The human soul does battle with body and spirit of the flesh. He so clearly lays this out. I WANT to succeed oh, God!!! I PRAY to succeed oh, God!!! Help me in my weakness.

Every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday as I get ready for work I face, again, my ongoing resentment of him and his spoken "perception" that his life is so "miserable". All he has responsibility for in life is GOING TO WORK. Every other thing in our lives is MY responsibility. Yet he is SO miserable.

He lives the life of a child taken care of at every turn, yet he is "SO MISERABLE".

Everyone of us caters to his self-absorbed self-worship...yet he is STILL "so miserable".

Sometimes, when my full resentment of his pitiful self-serving rises up in my heart and soul and makes me want to VOMIT...OH, GOD, if we could ALL have such miserable lives as he has. GAG!!!

But then I write out my resentment, or cry it out in the shower or cr. I pick myself up and go on. Shouldering the responsibility I took on when I chose to sleep with a man 22 days short of his 18th birthday. When Crossroads told me I was responsible, they had no idea just how uncannily accurate that would prove to be....

Tuesday, March 4, 2003


I think that sometimes my mind takes me on weird tangents. I was carrying groceries in today and wondering what Jon will do when/if I am not strong enough to carry groceries anymore. I was carrying about 6 bags in each hand and I almost burst out laughing. I'll just carry fewer bags at a time!!! Sometimes I am such a DORK!!!

Monday, March 3, 2003

Facing Facts...

I sent my quote to Jon for a response...who was I kidding? Only myself. I need to face facts: Intellectually my marriage does not exist. The "meeting of the mind" does not happen here. I need to stop hoping for true conversation and seek intellectual stimulation elsewhere: PREFERABLY with women.

"Criticism is the forerunner of divorce, the cultivator of rebellion, a catalyst that leads to failure. I am asking that we turn from the negative that so permeates our society and look for the remarkable good among those with whom we associate, that we speak of one another's virtues more than we speak of one another's faults, that optimism replace pessimism, that our faith exceed our fears. When I was a young man and was prone to speak critically, my father would say, 'Cynics do not contribute, skeptics do not create, doubters do not achieve.'" (Gordon B. Hinckley, Stand a Little Taller, p. 161)

So, if I can't have a reality that is anything like what I want, then I must readjust my desire for reality. Can I do this? And SHOULD I do this?

Why did GOD give us the brains we have if we don't choose to use them? Playing RPG games to the exclusion of real life relationships...

I took my responsibilities in this relationship seriously. But I've begun to see that I've probably done him (and I) a terrible disservice. I think our relationship is very destructive for both of us...but more for him because he was younger.

Having said this, the question is: NOW WHAT? Where do I go from here, 12 years into the "relationship" and 9 years into the "marriage"?? If this sham of a relationship is creating this stressful of a life for him then I have to consider that leaving him would be best. How do I judge this? How do I know? I have to say our relationship is destroying us both. Weights and balances...sigh.

Do I stay - KNOWING that I am basically alone in this 'relationship'? Alone here, alone there, what difference does it make? Alone is alone. So, if the bottom line is alone, I can do it here or there or anywhere.