Reflections

There is one and a half more days of 2002. Two days to reflect on the year past and to prepare for the year ahead. The letting go of the year past and the welcoming of the year to come.

2002 has been a rough year in some ways. In some ways an emotional and spiritual wasteland. So many worries and concerns:

The Boys
My Marriage
My Spirituality
Future War
Turning 50
Wanting to move home
Jon's Health
Work Issues
My health/exhaustion and it's impact on my life/house/relationship

It seems like too much for any one person to deal with; which is why I feel so overwhelmed by my life so often (i.e. most of the time)! And I don't know how to change things.

I am one of those people who has floated through life with barely a plan (beyond having 4 children: 2 daughters and then 2 sons and raising them). Since Jon meteorited into my life, changing my direction IRREVOCABLY, I've been tossed hither and yon by the drama and raw emotion that began our life. The new family we created helps me focus and yet contributes to the emotion, the drama and the exhaustion. I love them but I often feel so "detached" from them that it frightens me.

There is so much "day-to-day" in my life and not enough laughter, dancing and just plain fun.

As I approach age 50, I worry about how I look to Jon. I am graying more and the exhaustion really affects my face.