New Years Eve

The last day of the year. Time flies when we are trying to make ends meet.

So much we want to do in life...so little we really find the time for.

How is it that some people accomplish so much? Why do I seem to lack the drive others do? Like Gram, sigh. Even without the benefit of a decent education, she owned her own businesses, her own homes. She raised her family and helped with Bill and I and with grandfather John's children. Gram, you are AMAZING. I love and admire you SO MUCH! Did the men in your life help you with the housework? I have no clue. I only remember Vern. I am SURE John helped you but I am not sure about any of the others in your life.

My grandmother makes me feel like such a whiner. GRRRRRRR. How do people do this whole life thing? Why am I so unable? So inadequate?

Reflections

There is one and a half more days of 2002. Two days to reflect on the year past and to prepare for the year ahead. The letting go of the year past and the welcoming of the year to come.

2002 has been a rough year in some ways. In some ways an emotional and spiritual wasteland. So many worries and concerns:

The Boys
My Marriage
My Spirituality
Future War
Turning 50
Wanting to move home
Jon's Health
Work Issues
My health/exhaustion and it's impact on my life/house/relationship

It seems like too much for any one person to deal with; which is why I feel so overwhelmed by my life so often (i.e. most of the time)! And I don't know how to change things.

I am one of those people who has floated through life with barely a plan (beyond having 4 children: 2 daughters and then 2 sons and raising them). Since Jon meteorited into my life, changing my direction IRREVOCABLY, I've been tossed hither and yon by the drama and raw emotion that began our life. The new family we created helps me focus and yet contributes to the emotion, the drama and the exhaustion. I love them but I often feel so "detached" from them that it frightens me.

There is so much "day-to-day" in my life and not enough laughter, dancing and just plain fun.

As I approach age 50, I worry about how I look to Jon. I am graying more and the exhaustion really affects my face.

Surprise

While riding home from work with Amber and Jason I saw...a look...and heard something that leads me to believe that when Amber and Jason go to Vegas in March they will be getting married. Just a slip in conversation and a swift look and BINGO, it came to me full force. How odd that I didn't think of this before when they mentioned the trip to Las Vegas! It's really quite logical, actually. A secret elopement of sorts. Romantic, no fuss!

The Dangling Conversation

by Paul Simon

It's a still-life watercolor
of a now late afternoon
As the sun shines through the curtain-lace
And shadows wash the room

And we sit and drink our coffee,
couched in our indifference,
like shells upon the shore;
you can hear the ocean roar
in the dangling conversations
and the superficial sighs,
the borders of our lives...

And you read your Emily Dickenson
and I my Robert Frost.
And we note our places with bookmarkers
that measure what we've lost.

Like a poem poorly written,
we are verses out of rhythm,
couplets out of rhyme.
And the dangling conversations,
and the superficial sighs,
are the borders of our lives.

Yes, we speak of things that matter
with words that must be said.
Can analysis be worthwhile?
Is the theater really dead?

And how the room is softly faded,
and I only kiss your shadow
I cannot feel your hand
You're a stranger now unto me,
lost in this dangling conversation,
And the superficial sighs,
in the borders of our lives.

I had forgotten how much Simon and Garfunkel had their pulse on my world. How eloquently they describe the foibles of life, love, death. Such poignancy. Makes me weep.

 

The "Gramma" Question

Amber, of all people, helped me relax about the whole "grandma question". She said I may not be able to give as many "things" as some grandmas, but that I'll be able to be more supportive. That was kind of nice. And I can't be the babysitting gram like my sister, but I guess I'll do OK. If and when.

Life sometimes spirals out of control. Emotions get out of whack. I find myself so weepy with no true reason. And the Christmas season just makes it worse.

George Stanley Perry (Stan)

George Stanly Perry, age 71, died this morning. His funeral is December 14th at 2PM at his and Sharon's church at 24th and Guadalupe. They shared their 49th wedding anniversary in the hospital on December 4th. Sharon is strong, but heartbroken. They were very close and had been married my entire lifetime. Pretty amazing. Good-bye, Stan.

Peace

I want peace in my life. And yet, I have 10 more years of child rearing! The tumultuous teens no less. Sigh.

How do I balance my desire, my NEED for peace and spirituality in my life with the demands of an active, MALE oriented family? I have no place, no space that is truly mine alone. No area in which I can express my inner self. Often, I long to run away and hide from the responsibilities of life...

Death

I lost a friend to cancer this year and another friend of mine is now battling breast cancer so death has been heavy on my mind lately. I've been thinking about the things I have learned about death (mostly from others who THINK they know) and what happens afterward.

Some people have said that when you die you forget everything you knew here on earth. It is this theory that has been rattling around my brain and disturbing me. What is the point of living if you forget everything you learn? If you can't remember the beautiful music you have heard or the beautiful artwork I have seen then why listen? Why look? Why read a book, no matter how grand, if you die and cannot remember a single word you read?

Even reincarnationists think you forget things from one life to another. That you essentially start from scratch.

It just makes our quest for "knowing" for gnosis, for knowledge seem so useless and trivial. Just wasted time. And this thought has made me incredibly sad. To the point where, when I was discussing it with Phillippe, I broke down and cried.

Futility. Waste. Emptiness. Hopelessness.

Birthdays

i just turned 49. wow. one more year to the big 5-0. and suddenly i am a bit freaked. don't know if it's my 29 year old husband or just being older in general. i want SO MUCH to get into shape. to lose weight. to work out more. and i seem to be so ineffective. sigh. i have ordered the newest richard simmons videos. normally his videos don't interest me but this time they are to awesome music and seem more like dance videos!!! i think they will be fun. i am going to give up passions for exercise. and give up sugar as much as possible. i just feel like i only have a year to get in shape or it will be too late!!! don't know where that comes from. sigh. anyway, i pray for strength. dedication. determination. and success.