On bathtubs and bathing...

I have almost always hate bathing. I see it as akin to soaking dirty dishes in water. Ick...and I have avoided baths most of my life.

The house at 2519 W College Ave where I grew up, intermittently, did not have a shower. It had a claw footed bathtub, where I bathed until 1 month before I turned 13. Then I went to live with my father and step-mother and from that time on we had the "modern" kinds of bathtubs that don't hold a candle to a claw-footed tub in depth/length/comfort. I stopped bathing at that time.

Throughout my life I heard people wax eloquent about the relaxation of baths...I laughed at the thought. 

Then we moved into the Lincoln house up here in Spokane. It only had an enclosed, claw-footed tub. We learned to deal with bathing instead of showering (although I had to be taught how to sit down in a tub again - crazy!!!). 

And then, three moves later, I moved here, to The Daniels apartments, which also only has a claw-footed tub. And I finally learned why people like these things...

Epsom-salt baths by candlelight are very soothing. Add music and a drink, or your Kindle and a cup of coffee and it becomes almost spa-like. 21 months of bathing in unlimited hot water, paid for by my apartment complex, where you can let the water run after you get in the tub and therefore keep it hot, has been amazing as I negotiated the emotional morass of my divorce and beyond and the pain of my hurt foot and knee. 

Now we have applied for a new apartment that only has that molded, one-piece, modern kind of tub that makes bathing a waste of time...and I realize...I'm really going to miss this...

We are trying to raise money to move!!!!

My son's fiancé is living in a very unstable place for her where she was supposed to be out by the birth of the baby. We've managed to get more time given to us, but it is a matter of weeks before she has to begin sleeping on other peoples couches and dragging the baby/stuff along with her.

My son is also in a very difficult living situation and could be asked to leave at any moment.

Today, a government sponsored apartment house that we are on the waiting list for, called me for an apartment coming open on the first of September!!! We need to raise the $120 application fees in 24 hours. The rest (first/last/deposit) we have a couple of weeks to raise.

The rent is $700. We need first/last and a $700 deposit. Plus enough to rent a truck and put gas in it to move all 3 of us from 3 different parts of the city. Plus the application fees.

I have been unemployed for 5 months which puts us in a huge bind. Before that my son, his fiancé, and their baby girl, Bethany-Rose, born August 2nd, and I were going to move in together. All that was shelved when I lost my job. We had hoped I would get another job more quickly than I did, but it took longer...I am starting my new job on Monday, August 8th. I will not even see my first paycheck until the first week of September.

Thank you for even considering helping us!!!

Update: We have raised the application fee!!!!!

Tangible things...

1 year, 6 months and 20 days ago I moved out of my home with my husband and my sons and into my own little apartment. That same evening I went grocery shopping for myself for the first time...possibly ever. One of the things I bought was a container of Lawry's Seasoned Salt. Tonight I ran out of that exact bottle...

I have learned much in this 18 months and 20 days, some of it unlike anything I've learned before, and mostly about myself. I've face fears and taken on challenges, both real and emotional, and I've survived it all, and...

I was actually doing really well until March, when I lost my job. That complicated things so very much. I'm hanging on by the skin on my teeth (where did that saying even come from, anyway???) but it's getting more and more difficult every month without a job. To say I've become an even better money juggler is an understatement...

But I have learned that I am a survivor. Whether I want to be or not, whether I feel like it or not, I simply cannot make that decision that I've seen some other people make to "give up" and let life happen to them. I am seeking work daily. I am interviewing almost weekly. I'm attending classes mandated by the unemployment office and learning. And I'm walking and seeking better health choices. And I pray...a lot. Because I cannot "make" someone hire me. I can only dress myself up and offer myself...the rest is up to them...

If you would, pray with me and for me? Surviving is so damn difficult these days. I'm tired, and I'm faltering, and I can use all the help I can get...Thank you.

Sakura-Con 2014

Sakura-con reveres and celebrates fantasy...that longing inside us to be "other" than what we are...to be a hero, a savior, a villain in our life and the lives of others. At Sakura-Con you get to put on that persona, at least in costume, for the whole world to see...and for 3 days you show and share that otherness with other freaks and geeks like you. A sharing of being unlike any other allowed in reality. It was like stepping into a giant fairy tale with princesses and the evil characters all running around. Sort of a virtual 3-day Neverland where everyone got to be a kid again...Wildness!!!

Facing Fears...

I had one of those childhoods that left me with a specific set of fears that are not necessarily rational, but are there anyway, waiting in the dark to reach up and grab me and slam me to the floor. The past 16 months I've had to face down several of them, and I discovered that one fear I thought I would face, wasn't a thing I feared after all.

Then I lost my job. Funny, in all of my life I have rarely had to fear losing my home (whatever that home was at the time) until now. The loss of my job threw me up against two fears, one known, one unknown.

The fear of hunger. When a child spends a large percentage of her first 12 years hungry, it makes an impressive impact on the mind. Just saying the word "diet" causes my brain to overreact to the thought of deprivation which equals hunger and sets me up for failure. I've learned to use other terminology...

Then there is the loss of the place I am living...I have a love/hate relationship with this apartment...It's old, it has issues, and management is often not responsive enough. But I poured a lot of sweat and an ocean of tears into my existence here and, when faced with the thought of losing this 587 square feet, I went into panic overload.

"What do I have to give away?" (How much more of myself embodied in my books and trinkets can I give away without losing myself...) "Where on God's earth will I store the few things I don't want to give away?" (my bed, my kitchen table, my dishes, my books, my trinkets...) "How many boxes can I fit in my car?" "Where will I be able to safely park my car AND sleep in it?"

And suddenly this little corner of the world, this little apartment with it's stained paint and no shower and bad plumbing becomes so very dear to my heart because it's MY corner of the world...the place that sheltered me through the storm of the last 16 months...the place where I painted things and decorated on my own for the very first time in my life EVER...the place where I feel safe and ME. And knowing I could lose this little corner of the world has been the most difficult fear I've face this past 16 months.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I could barely force myself out of bed in the morning...I was almost immobilized.

I'm just barely past the fear now...It's worked it's paralyzing self through me and man, I am so tired of my life collapsing beneath me that I cannot even EXPRESS it adequately. And I don't know how to live a life that doesn't shift and change like this...Even if I get another job next week there is no guarantee that I won't lose it again and have this cycle of fear slam dunk me...And there simply isn't a way to prevent it, so I'm working through it slowly as I realize this uncertainty could haunt me all the rest of my life...GAH.

Weirdness...

I have watched my husband, now my ex, through the fledgling beginning of his new relationship...it was a rough ride for me on so many levels. I saw many things on his face, in his eyes...but I didn't realize I was waiting...for something...until I saw it.

The beginning of their new relationship was exhausting for him, I could see this very clearly. And he was battling high blood pressure at the same time. We were sharing the car for much of this time and I could see the struggle every weekend. Some weekends he literally looked ashen and drained. 

Starting at the beginning of the year we ceased to share the car, and I pretty much ceased to see him, making my recovery somewhat easier.

Monday, I drove over to drop my son off. I came around the corner and he was standing halfway in the doorway to the back landing. Half of his face was in shadow as he was looking back into the house, at her, this I knew, because one of my sons was in my car, the other was asleep in the basement. And I saw...happiness. For the first time since they began, I saw the glow of happiness on his face and...I will try to describe what it felt like to me at that moment...

It was as if a fist that had been clenched around my heart let go. Like a weight dropped off my shoulders. Like my spirit lightened in color by several shades...it was pure, unadulterated relief. I felt lighter and purer and, unbelievably, happier in myself. I had the most peaceful few days, emotionally, than I have had for a LONG time...and the peace has continued to carry me through. 

I think I am the weirdest person I have ever known, truly. And this reaction proved it to me, yet again...

Some days...

It's easier...some days it's not. I find myself writing random notes that I never copy anywhere. I thought I'd copy two of them in here...

The pool of stillness
Deep within
Writhes with memories
Now & then
Calling me to
A longing for
What I do not know...

And then...

The inner aloneness haunts me and makes me ache for a mind to share my being...but I fear that no one will ever care...