Quiet & Alone...

Just a month ago I lived in a house with sounds...The husband and two grown boys, their myriad of friends running up/down/in/out. Playing music, watching Rifftrax and Anime...Laughter coming from the basement all the time. 

Now I live alone with my cat. No amount of music played can mimic the noise I lived in. 

In most empty nesting times of life, the kids go off and the husband and wife stay in the house and adapt, together, to the lesser noise. Leave it to me to do it all discombobulated and be the one that left the nest alone.

I'm not sure I will EVER get used to the lack of noise....

One week into my new life...

I've been in my new apartment for 1 week today. It's been an odd, disconcerting feeling to be all alone for the first time in my life...except for my cat, of course.

I've managed to unpack almost everything...I have 6 boxes left with stuff in them. The way I imagined things arranged didn't quite come to fruition. I misjudged room size and baseboard heaters in my original layout in my head, however it came together fairly well in spite of that.

I picked up a second nightstand yesterday, because I needed more drawer space, but I didn't really have room for a dresser. It has 3 drawers and will fit the overflow from the other nightstand perfectly. Then I will move the leaning bookshelf into the kitchen next to the stove, I think, for small appliances.

I love the space and openness of the apartment. The only things I don't like are the lack of counter space in the kitchen, the tight fit of the bathroom (watch your knees people) and the fact that it only has a tub, no shower. I'm still searching for the appropriate "fitting" for the tiny antique spigot so I can at least have a hand held shower head for washing my hair!!!

Emotionally I'm fairly stable, most of the time. I still have crying jags (last night I was sobbing so hard I couldn't drive), but most of the time I'm doing ok. One day at a time...one hour at a time...sometimes one moment at a time...

Because this week was an emotional rollercoaster from hell, I've pretty much eaten junk all week. I am determined not to do that this coming week. I will get my cooking/eating/walking back on track and bring the physical into a better place, which will help the emotional.

I want to thank everyone for their ongoing prayer and support. It means the world to me...

Today is the day...

After 22 years together, today is the day I move out. I knew this was coming, we had planned to seaparate on March 1st, 2013, but his need to move on to "greener pastures" pushed the separation to a break neck speed. From confession to separation in 3 short weeks...

I wrote this in my journal: I am about to step out from under this huge shadow and into the light...The shadow of ALL OF THE ENDLESS WOMEN you flirted with constantly and of knowing you never really loved me exclusively. I knew, early on, that you didn't love me at the same depth as how I loved you. I feel like I carried our whole relationship by the sheer strength of my will and the depth of my love alone. The constant parade of women through your heart/mind was, indeed, brutal and ate at my heart/mind/soul. I will miss YOU, but I will not miss the constant knowing that I was not "enough".

You were always "seeking". It was simply a matter of time. This year, time ran out.

I wish you all happiness and love. I hope and pray you've found the "true love of your life" and that you are finally fulfilled...

The Long and Winding Road...

Is almost at an end. On December 9th, I move out of my husbands home into an apartment of my own. My marriage is over. We are on to different lives. I have cried until my eyes have almost burned out of my face...I am not sleeping and I'm exhausted. My heart is ripped and battered and torn. I still love my husband with all my heart, and this was one of the most difficult things, emotionally, I've ever done. We are comitted to remain friends...we've known each other so long that once the pain fades that should be fairly easy. We've spent the past 2 weeks talking it all through and are well on our way to a different kind of relationship.

I'm a tad terrified. I've never really lived alone, you see. I went from my Father's house to my first husbands house, to my 2nd husbands house (with kids), to my 3rd husbands house (with more kids), with very little break in between. Now I step out of the...shadow? control? life of...husbands and into a life of my own.

I want to thank all of the dear friends and family who helped me raise the money for the aparment, the deposits, the truck to move and food for the first week. I could not have done this without you. You are amazingly generous to me.

I have a 1 bedroom apartment on the 2nd floor of an older building. It's a secure building with a lock on the outside and a lock on the inside. It has a small patio where I can put my 2 patio chairs and sit in the sun...and I get to take my Ms. Kitty, so I will have a companion.

I have the internet set up to come online on 12/6 and Avista electric is now in my name. My 2 boys and their 2 friends will help me move on the 9th, husband and I will pick up the truck on the way home from my work.

And then I begin again...