Do husbands not realize that everything that happens to them impacts their families?
I'm lying beside my husband just before we attempt to drift off to sleep and he tells me that during the workday he'd been informed by Grant (our HR guy) that if Kemper doesn't approve his short-term disability (they are appealing) he will have 27 incidents of unexcused absences (sounds like elementary school, sigh). Which would mean, of course, immediate termination. He says this casually, with no inflection, like he'd say "It's raining."
My whole BEING went into shock. I've been SO AFRAID of him getting fired for the past couple of months that I could barely THINK!!! And now he gives me THIS information. Was I stunned? In a way. However, I've also been expecting SOMETHING of this nature for a couple of months. So, I'm recovering from this information through the night and then....
HE CALLS OUT AGAIN IN THE MORNING. I am FURIOUS!!! BAFFLED!!! ANGRY!!! WORRIED!!! AND INCREDIBLY PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!!! And I let him know this. Which he tried to turn around on me (the "Don't YOU be yelling at me" kind of stuff).
I think of the place we live...yeah, it isn't much but it's home. And he's just so willing to give it all up and throw our lives into chaos. To be honest I no longer believe he even CONSIDERS us in his life as he does things. (Assuming he ever did). I don't know how to deal with this. The CONSTANT WORRY.
I am going to start boxing stuff up. Why be caught unprepared? This is often-repeated behavior on his part and even IF we make it through this time, there will be a next time. I will be prepared. It's hot and it will be hard work to do this, but I am just so scared that he'll get fired in the last week of a month and I'll have 7 days to evacuate the house. I just can't get it together that fast.
Wednesday, July 9, 2003
Sunday, July 6, 2003
Death
I lost a friend to cancer this year and another friend of mine is now battling breast cancer so death has been heavy on my mind lately. I've been thinking about the things I have learned about death (mostly from others who THINK they know) and what happens afterward.
Some people have said that when you die you forget everything you knew here on earth. It is this theory that has been rattling around my brain and disturbing me. What is the point of living if you forget everything you learn? If you can't remember the beautiful music you have heard or the beautiful artwork I have seen then why listen? Why look? Why read a book, no matter how grand, if you die and cannot remember a single word you read?
Even reincarnationists think you forget things from one life to another. That you essentially start from scratch.
It just makes our quest for "knowing" for gnosis, for knowledge seem so useless and trivial. Just wasted time. And this thought has made me incredibly sad. To the point where, when I was discussing it with Phillippe, I broke down and cried.
Futility. Waste. Emptiness. Hopelessness.
Some people have said that when you die you forget everything you knew here on earth. It is this theory that has been rattling around my brain and disturbing me. What is the point of living if you forget everything you learn? If you can't remember the beautiful music you have heard or the beautiful artwork I have seen then why listen? Why look? Why read a book, no matter how grand, if you die and cannot remember a single word you read?
Even reincarnationists think you forget things from one life to another. That you essentially start from scratch.
It just makes our quest for "knowing" for gnosis, for knowledge seem so useless and trivial. Just wasted time. And this thought has made me incredibly sad. To the point where, when I was discussing it with Phillippe, I broke down and cried.
Futility. Waste. Emptiness. Hopelessness.
World Travel
I've always wanted to see the world and all the wonders thereof. Rome, Jerusalem, Ireland, Scotland, Australia and New Zealand being high on my list. Finances have prevented me from being able to do this.
As I have gotten older, this has started to bother me more. No matter how the world ends, there seems to be no chance that the earth will be the same on the other side. The mountains will fall therefore the buildings will fall. No Sistine chapel. No sacred wells. No Stonehenge to visit. This lifetime seems to be it. And most of us don't have the money to wander the earth...
I am just profoundly sad these days and it' is spilling over into all my thought processes.
As I have gotten older, this has started to bother me more. No matter how the world ends, there seems to be no chance that the earth will be the same on the other side. The mountains will fall therefore the buildings will fall. No Sistine chapel. No sacred wells. No Stonehenge to visit. This lifetime seems to be it. And most of us don't have the money to wander the earth...
I am just profoundly sad these days and it' is spilling over into all my thought processes.
Saturday, July 5, 2003
The Fourth of July
I have been so pensive, weepy and downright depressed lately. I see the world and what America is becoming and I shudder. I see others that either don't see what is happening OR who approve what is happening and I wonder if the world has gone mad.
I watched "The Patriot" today and I thought about our beginnings as a country. All the pride and the glory and the brilliance that went into making us. What happened to it? To us?
We became prideful and lazy. Too willing to let "big government" do it all. Too big. Too brash. Too undisciplined. And now? We may be too far down the road to recover. To regain the greatness that we were. I ache for my country and it's people. For what we may have to endure in our decline.
I pray for our leaders. We are facing dark times in the world and things are so complicated. Terrorists and terror abound. There seems no clear way to "fix" things.
I watched "The Patriot" today and I thought about our beginnings as a country. All the pride and the glory and the brilliance that went into making us. What happened to it? To us?
We became prideful and lazy. Too willing to let "big government" do it all. Too big. Too brash. Too undisciplined. And now? We may be too far down the road to recover. To regain the greatness that we were. I ache for my country and it's people. For what we may have to endure in our decline.
I pray for our leaders. We are facing dark times in the world and things are so complicated. Terrorists and terror abound. There seems no clear way to "fix" things.
Stress Cure...
Jiaogulan (pronounced gee-OW-goo-lahn)
normalizes the body's neuro-endocrine functions - a fancy way of saying
that it prevents stress hormones from flooding your body and wreaking
havoc on your nerves during high-pressure situations.
Called "the poor man's ginseng" but it's really the smart woman's energizer; it's as good as ginseng at stimulating the release of the adrenal and thyroid hormones that activate your energy and metabolism. It also strengthens the heart, helping it pump more blood, oxygen and nutrients with every beat.
Jiaogulan can up your body's production of infection-fighting white blood cells by 225% in a month. Take 240 mg. of jiaogulan daily.
Jiaogulan is available in some health-food stores and Oriental herb shops. You can also order it online at www.immortalityherb.com. Choose a standardized capsule, and start with 20-40 mg. three times daily. You should start feeling better within a week.
Called "the poor man's ginseng" but it's really the smart woman's energizer; it's as good as ginseng at stimulating the release of the adrenal and thyroid hormones that activate your energy and metabolism. It also strengthens the heart, helping it pump more blood, oxygen and nutrients with every beat.
Jiaogulan can up your body's production of infection-fighting white blood cells by 225% in a month. Take 240 mg. of jiaogulan daily.
Jiaogulan is available in some health-food stores and Oriental herb shops. You can also order it online at www.immortalityherb.com. Choose a standardized capsule, and start with 20-40 mg. three times daily. You should start feeling better within a week.
Tuesday, July 1, 2003
CJ's Big 5 Diet
NO Potatoes
NO Sugar
NO Bread
NO Rice
NO Pasta
As a general rule I violate CJs "Big 5" almost HOURLY here at work!!! Sigh. I can be out-of-control that way. Arrrgh.
NO Sugar
NO Bread
NO Rice
NO Pasta
As a general rule I violate CJs "Big 5" almost HOURLY here at work!!! Sigh. I can be out-of-control that way. Arrrgh.
Sunday, June 29, 2003
Fairy Tales vs Reality
Life is difficult. The level of life we often seek is on such an unrealistic level that the failure to achieve it leaves the reality of life feeling even more empty and mundane than it is. I see so clearly why people eat, drink and do drugs to ease the pain of the gap.
Fantasy sets our sights so HIGH...on things that we often cannot achieve or have. we SAY to our children and to ourselves that we can do and/or be WHATEVER WE WANT to do or be. But our reality belies our dreams. We TELL ourselves lies to survive our realities.
And often, we shift the blame! "GOD" gave - "Satan" took. All the stories we tell ourselves to live in the mind-numbing pain and emptiness that is life.
Fantasy sets our sights so HIGH...on things that we often cannot achieve or have. we SAY to our children and to ourselves that we can do and/or be WHATEVER WE WANT to do or be. But our reality belies our dreams. We TELL ourselves lies to survive our realities.
And often, we shift the blame! "GOD" gave - "Satan" took. All the stories we tell ourselves to live in the mind-numbing pain and emptiness that is life.
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