Monday, September 9, 2013

9 months...


After declaring that I would not be involved in seeking or paying for a divorce I did not want and months of up and down, back and forth, in and out involvement with my husband, things finally came to a head last month...Almost against my will, on Monday, August 12th,  I went to the courthouse with him to seek a divorce waiver to help pay the cost of the divorce. He makes too much money, so I knew that I would have to face the judge and beg, and so I did...crying. The judge decided I made just over the poverty level so I was given a 90 day deferment instead of a waiver. I broke down 3 times just getting the waiver and had a small panic attack while leaving the courthouse.

Then on August 19th, I went alone to the courthouse to file the divorce papers. Although I cried again this time, I managed not to have any level of panic attack. They decreed the final hearing will be November 19th at 10:30AM. After I filed, I fled to the river to pray and cry and scream and journal.

I am continuing to survive. Some days I breeze through. This week has been rather emotional and trembly. There is something so very final about filing papers. That life, that 22 years you lived and loved and shared is so irrevocably gone when you walk out after filing papers. I stood, looking at my river, knowing I will truly never ever be the same again. I am profoundly changed. Profoundly bereft. Profoundly sad. I often feel like an utter failure. Somehow I was "not enough". A deep theme that runs through almost every relationship in my whole life. Humans fail. I fail. We all fail. It is a human condition. But it still hurts beyond belief...

4 comments:

Valda said...

Yes, it hurts....even if you are the one that filed for the divorce. I was the one that filed for divorce after 23 years. I was scared, very sad and cried all the way home after filing. I still cry sometimes even after 2 years and the divorce being final. And yes, I feel like I failed and am a failure....

Elbeux said...

If only you could see... it's not that you are not enough, it's that you deserve better.

Debra Masters said...

I understand totally, Valda. We were together 23 years, married almost 20 by the time of the divorce.

Debra Masters said...

Elbeux...It came to feel like I was not enough. It's a climb to the concept of deserving better...I am climbing...I hope to get there. Thank you for your constant support. I appreciate that. :o)