Musings

It's been a whirlwind week. First, I am told my daughter, Bethany, my bestest friend, is moving back to Austin. One of the main reasons I moved up here was so that I (and her little brother Sean) could live near her. And after reassuring me that she would not be moving back to Texas ever, she is, after all. Of course, between the promise and the now lies a divorce and depression and school and discouragement. Texas is much better for those of us who suffer from SAD. Still and all, however, it was devastating.

At the end of that same week, chaos broke out on a group of lists I belonged to that are owned by a very dear friend. After the dust settled, I find I am not on any of her lists, and that I may have lost her friendship, and the friendship of several other ladies that I value. My spirit is reeling from the losses and I feel like I am wandering around in a blue fog. I now doubt myself on email. Somehow, the essence of who I am got so misunderstood that it cost me beloved friends. I took myself out of most of the groups I belonged to. I went from 144 egroups to about 30 in one day of depression.

How do these things happen? How do things get so mangled, so twisted, so out of control? I surely do not know. I only know that it costs too much. It hurts too much. The lonliness that has always haunted me almost swallowed me whole this week. I am numb.