I've decided this will be the last monthly update I title by months. I'm no longer going to define my life by how many months I've been on my own, but will simply write blogs as I used to, by subject or thought or whatever catches my fancy at the moment.
When I began this particular blog post, I went in search of an image that seemed like "healing". What does healing look like? I almost chose a heart with band-aids all over it...but then I saw this picture and I thought, this, this is what healing looks like. All waves and curves and color and flowers.
I still have days where I'm a puddle of goo, when I'm on the floor crying my guts out...but they are fewer and much farther in between. I have come to recognize the path my mind starts down that leads me to that place, and I've gotten better at catching myself as I begin the downward slide.
It is still often 2 steps forward/1o steps back, but there are definitely steps forward. I still question myself, what I thought, what I believed, what I chose, why I chose it. But that, too, is becoming a lesser preoccupation because I know in my most rational being, that that is an utter waste of time. No matter what one WAS thinking, one cannot now unthink it/unchose it. One can, however, look at it and PERHAPS see things now that one didn't see then, and adjust their thinking in accordance.
My goal is to paint a life canvas of love and compassion. To learn to trust myself again (if I ever really did). To fill my life with family and friends. And to spend more time in nature, nurturing the very core of my being.
Thank you to all of you who have stood by me and watched me struggle through this, even those of you who never understood they whys. And for that one or two of you that truly DO understand the why, a special, special thank you. In a relationship where the world didn't understand, you are truly a blessing.
Ok, then. On with my life.
