Weirdness...

I have watched my husband, now my ex, through the fledgling beginning of his new relationship...it was a rough ride for me on so many levels. I saw many things on his face, in his eyes...but I didn't realize I was waiting...for something...until I saw it.

The beginning of their new relationship was exhausting for him, I could see this very clearly. And he was battling high blood pressure at the same time. We were sharing the car for much of this time and I could see the struggle every weekend. Some weekends he literally looked ashen and drained. 

Starting at the beginning of the year we ceased to share the car, and I pretty much ceased to see him, making my recovery somewhat easier.

Monday, I drove over to drop my son off. I came around the corner and he was standing halfway in the doorway to the back landing. Half of his face was in shadow as he was looking back into the house, at her, this I knew, because one of my sons was in my car, the other was asleep in the basement. And I saw...happiness. For the first time since they began, I saw the glow of happiness on his face and...I will try to describe what it felt like to me at that moment...

It was as if a fist that had been clenched around my heart let go. Like a weight dropped off my shoulders. Like my spirit lightened in color by several shades...it was pure, unadulterated relief. I felt lighter and purer and, unbelievably, happier in myself. I had the most peaceful few days, emotionally, than I have had for a LONG time...and the peace has continued to carry me through. 

I think I am the weirdest person I have ever known, truly. And this reaction proved it to me, yet again...

Some days...

It's easier...some days it's not. I find myself writing random notes that I never copy anywhere. I thought I'd copy two of them in here...

The pool of stillness
Deep within
Writhes with memories
Now & then
Calling me to
A longing for
What I do not know...

And then...

The inner aloneness haunts me and makes me ache for a mind to share my being...but I fear that no one will ever care...

One full year...

A year ago today I left my home, my husband, my boys and moved into a small apartment...

I actually started this post about a week ago. Typing that one leading line caused me to go into a sobbing fit so I couldn't post a blog at all. Funny how that happens...

A song came on the radio this morning as I drove to work...I'm driving and singing along and suddenly I'm sobbing...

However, for the most part I'm good, stable, on an even keel. I'm growing and working out when I manage to go and walking and singing with the radio and working on myself spiritually and emotionally...

I had Michael and Sean over for Thanksgiving and it was good. Family and warmth and good food and great conversation. Then we took dessert to Jeremy and Tamara's and had more family and good food. We will repeat this ritual for Christmas.

Life will never be the same. And I've grown OK with this idea.  I still have moments when I miss him desperately, miss my house, my life, my boys...but I am building a new life with a new place for my boys and my boys and I are talking about finding a house and moving in together and that will rock, too. It will bring new challenges, but ones we can handle together. I'm looking forward to this.

My new job is exhausting and fulfilling in a strange way and compelling and moving. I touch people in little ways every single day and that touches my heart. And they touch me, by sharing tiny glimpses of who they are with me. Small joys and heartbreaks. The thing that makes customer service so fulfilling. I still have a LOT to learn at my new job, but I am confident that I will master this job to the best of my ability, given time.

I'm coming out of my cocoon and learning to flex my wings and fly...and that is a very good thing.

November 19th, 2013: The Day of Divorce

Today obviously made more of an impact on me than it did on him...

I woke up at 7AM and bathed and got ready. I polished my nails and did my makeup. I chose my clothing with care, remembering the care I took getting ready for our marriage. I wore my blue silk blouse and my black jeans with sparkles.

He wore a brown shirt and jeans. His hair wasn't even brushed. As I struggled to fill out last minute papers, he played Bejeweled on his phone.

We pretty much approached life from radically different places and this was a clear example of that dichotomy.

It is finished...We are divorced...

I loved him unflinchingly, unfailingly and completely for 22 years and 11 months, from our first brief kiss at Mr. Gatti's in Austin, Texas.

He hugged me, I touched his face, we walked away. Sadness engulfed me.

~~~~~~~~~~

So, now I build a life for myself...Not that I thought we'd ever be together again & not that I haven't been "building" a life these past 11 months, because I have been...But today I am divorced...no longer married...single...my own person...free to be what I want to be, whatever that turns out to be.

Stand against "To Train Up A Child (In The Way They Should Go)" parenting books!!!!!

Silent stillness...

The pool of silence threatens me
Deep and black and still
Beckoning my soul to take a dip
In emotion cold and old
I stand frozen with longing
My heart burning with pain
And then I force myself to turn
To walk away again
Knowing that a better life
Cannot be found therein...

Life...

 

Life has a tendency to go on…whether you want it to or not, whether you are ready or not, whether it hurts or not. And my life has gone on…

I have a rhythm…up at 6:30AM, work at 8:15, off at 5:15ish. Monday, Wednesday and Thursday I go to water aerobics…Saturdays I take the soon-to-be-ex the car. The way we are doing the car exchange pretty much guarantees I don’t get to go anywhere on my days off. This is frustrating to me but there seems to be nothing I can do to change it, which is a tad discouraging. 

I met a man at work. We went to coffee and he talked for about an hour and a half…I’m thinking we won’t work as a “dating couple”. 

There were a couple of really trivial things I didn’t like about him (he didn’t brush his hair before coming to coffee, he just put it back in a ponytail all matted on the side; he unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of his button-up shirt, showing his chest hair, which I consider icky, and one thing that really bothered me…He had a great job with the city and because they asked him to learn to use a computer for his inventory, he chose to retire early (from a job he stated he LOVED) rather than learn this new technology. To me that is an indication of a set-in-his-wayness that I don’t think I could handle. And, he down-talked his boys to a degree that made me uncomfortable.

One of my friends said, “Give him another chance, you might be wrong and “anything is better than being alone forever.” I was a tad floored by that comment. To “settle” for whatever because one might be alone indicates a fear of being alone that I do not share. I haven’t minded being alone, per se, although there is much about being in a couple that I miss…So I am not going to date someone simply because the alternative is my own company.

I am a tad spoiled, having been married to a vibrant man 20 years my junior that shared my love of sci-fi and technology. I know this will be an issue for some men my own age…Sigh. Not that he had a “young” body, per se…He was kind of soft and squishy…that isn’t what I desired, it was his essence, his spark, that which called me into passion. I am not sure I will ever experience that level of passion again. That is a thought that makes me a tad sad…but I’m not going to rule it out. It might be out there…Mostly I miss kissing…I miss it very, very much. But most men will not be content with just a kissing relationship…they will want more. And it is this “more” that I’m not sure I am ever going to be able to give again…