Musings

It's been a whirlwind week. First, I am told my daughter, Bethany, my bestest friend, is moving back to Austin. One of the main reasons I moved up here was so that I (and her little brother Sean) could live near her. And after reassuring me that she would not be moving back to Texas ever, she is, after all. Of course, between the promise and the now lies a divorce and depression and school and discouragement. Texas is much better for those of us who suffer from SAD. Still and all, however, it was devastating.

At the end of that same week, chaos broke out on a group of lists I belonged to that are owned by a very dear friend. After the dust settled, I find I am not on any of her lists, and that I may have lost her friendship, and the friendship of several other ladies that I value. My spirit is reeling from the losses and I feel like I am wandering around in a blue fog. I now doubt myself on email. Somehow, the essence of who I am got so misunderstood that it cost me beloved friends. I took myself out of most of the groups I belonged to. I went from 144 egroups to about 30 in one day of depression.

How do these things happen? How do things get so mangled, so twisted, so out of control? I surely do not know. I only know that it costs too much. It hurts too much. The lonliness that has always haunted me almost swallowed me whole this week. I am numb.

Bethany's Divorce

My daughter, Bethany, is sad today. Her divorce (that she didn't want) is final and she didn't get a job she applied for. She called, crying, but she doesn't want any of us to come over. She wants to just get away in sleep.

 

Universalist Ramblings

To be a Universalist is to live in a narrowly populated place. Why, LORD, is it easier to believe GOD will send most people to eternal, unrelenting, horrible, burning torture than it is to believe GOD will reconcile all "men" to Him? Are we so pathological that others have to suffer torture to make us feel "more Christian"? Is our concept of the justice of GOD warped & twisted by some kind of blood lust? Ar we so insecure in Christ that we "NEED" to almost relish the thought of millions, nay billions, of souls, lost, trapped & tortured for all eternity? We cannot seem to rest enough in HIS grace to allow it for others.

Grasping Grace!!! We seem to need to grasp it as if there wasn't enough to go around! We must hoard it and not let it touch anyone who might "sully" GOD's grace. WAIT!!! That means ME!!! I would sully GOD's grace!!!

OH NO!!!

But GOD knew in his infinite knowing that every human being - on their own - would sully, muddy & dirty the world with sin. And that's why CHRIST died for us. For ALL sin, in ALL of man, in ALL ages. IN SPITE of their unbelief because our belief is ever imperfect; but HIS belief, HIS love and HIS grace are ever perfect and infinite, washing sin from the world. A virtual, constant, unending RAIN of Grace on a broken, hurting and lost world.

LOOK UP MY PEOPLE!!!

See, receive, absorb the grace raining down upon you! Feel the Grace! Know me through my Grace & Mercy & Love...Be still and KNOW.

Conundrums

For 20 years I wished, hoped and prayed to come home to Spokane. I'm here now. I've been here 1.5 years. And I worry that this isn't where we should be because NOTHING seems to be going right. I stumble along the edge of despair. One blow after another. Never making ends meet, let alone getting even slightly ahead. Afraid? No. Numb. Numb from the constant bombs dropping in our lives. And now this feeling of disassociation from life, from things I normally enjoy. It worries me.

Some say I've "thought" myself into this mess. That if I simply "think positive, wealth generating thoughts" my life will turn around miraculously and we will be flush with money and security. My rational mind looks at that thought and laughs. My emotional mind tried this theory a few times and then gave up. Evidently I don't have the kind of "faith" it takes to manifest my destiny. Does that anger me? No. Dissapoint me? Perhaps. But mostly, I'm numb.

Jon lost another job. I think I thought this area of our lives was going to be better when he did so well at Unisys. I was wrong. Dell should have taught me that.

I'm looking for part-time work on the weekends. Can I handle this emotionally or exhaustionally? No. But I don't make enough at Northstar to pay the bills, ESPECIALLY owing G1 money, so I have to do something.

Giving plasma, if I qualify EVERY time, is an extra $55 a week, $210 per month. That would pay G1 and get us gas for the car. I'll be doing that if or until I find a part-time job.

I am 52. I have nothing to show for my life but my kids. I've never owned anything substantial. Not even new cars. No house, no land. Just rentals and bills wearing me down, grinding my spirit. I'm so tired.

Bethany

Today Bethany enrolled at SCC. To get a degree in Library Science. I am so jealous and so proud of her. Gail gave her money to enroll. Don't quite know how I feel about that, but I guess anything that helps my children is a good thing, no matter who foots the bill.

Work/Family/Life

Jon got fired today for an email he sent me discussing the bad ethics of the company he was working at. Sigh. Life and it's ups and downs can really get to you at times.

He has an interview at Bank of America in the morning at 11AM and I am praying hard for his success. He wanted it more than what he had anyway, but thought he had the time to see.

Plus, I spoke to Bethany yesterday and they are really getting desperate financially at their house. No money for food or electricity. Just barely hanging on there. I plan to help her some this month if I can. TP, cat food, stuff like that.

Tom Edlin

I cannot BELIEVE Tom Edlin. We got out of training yesterday at 12:15PM and ON THE WAY HOME he told me he had traded shifts with Tom Hill. So I don't have a way to work on Monday. This after I made SURE I was scheduled at the same time as he was. I was so upset I almost cried. I did cry later. I felt like this was so inconsiderate. How could he not tell me until it was too late to find a ride????? ARGH.

Then I get home and try to find a ride. No luck. Jeremy has to work. Tamara is too overwhelmed by life. Michelle isn't working that day and no one has Tom Hill's phone number. I will have to take the last bus out and sit for 2.5 hours before my shift. THIS SUCKS.