Conundrums

For 20 years I wished, hoped and prayed to come home to Spokane. I'm here now. I've been here 1.5 years. And I worry that this isn't where we should be because NOTHING seems to be going right. I stumble along the edge of despair. One blow after another. Never making ends meet, let alone getting even slightly ahead. Afraid? No. Numb. Numb from the constant bombs dropping in our lives. And now this feeling of disassociation from life, from things I normally enjoy. It worries me.

Some say I've "thought" myself into this mess. That if I simply "think positive, wealth generating thoughts" my life will turn around miraculously and we will be flush with money and security. My rational mind looks at that thought and laughs. My emotional mind tried this theory a few times and then gave up. Evidently I don't have the kind of "faith" it takes to manifest my destiny. Does that anger me? No. Dissapoint me? Perhaps. But mostly, I'm numb.

Jon lost another job. I think I thought this area of our lives was going to be better when he did so well at Unisys. I was wrong. Dell should have taught me that.

I'm looking for part-time work on the weekends. Can I handle this emotionally or exhaustionally? No. But I don't make enough at Northstar to pay the bills, ESPECIALLY owing G1 money, so I have to do something.

Giving plasma, if I qualify EVERY time, is an extra $55 a week, $210 per month. That would pay G1 and get us gas for the car. I'll be doing that if or until I find a part-time job.

I am 52. I have nothing to show for my life but my kids. I've never owned anything substantial. Not even new cars. No house, no land. Just rentals and bills wearing me down, grinding my spirit. I'm so tired.