Expectations...

Have you ever had a night that you REALLY looked forward to...you planned, you saved money, you primped and wore the fanciest things (think proms or weddings) and NOTHING went the way you wanted it to? Tonight I had a flashback to high school dances where sometimes the illusion of a good time is totally destroyed...

But it's not just proms and weddings. It's anniversaries and other things where we set this expectation of "having a good time" and then we fall short of that good time and we are left feeling bereft.


And is it just we women who do this? Because I know, in my experience that it's we women who most often suffer the disappointment of a night gone not right...

I was reminded of this this weekend, and it was a very sad memory and remembering...

So, what is it? Are we expecting too much? Is it wrong to expect an evening/event we've scrimped and planned for to go the way we want it to? Can we, as humans, expect ANYTHING like this?

I find this goes back to my fairy tale/daydream theory. We see in our minds eye the evening as it should be, before it even happens. We vicariously live it before we actually live it. And in our minds eye, it's perfect. The guy opens the door...the music is perfect...we dance until we drop...

And then, it's really here...Can reality EVER stand up to fantasy? Of course not. So, how do we not set ourselves up for disappointment? Not dream? Not want that good time/fantasy night?

I don't know, to be honest. I'm just working my way through all of this fantasy vs. reality stuff without getting my guts shredded when life simply doesn't work the way we want it. I'm open to ideas!!!

Incandescent....

I know this woman from our Celtic Celebrations...I'll call her Mary. I cannot remember the first day I laid eyes on this woman, but I can remember clearly thinking, this woman has a shining soul. I could see her light up the room by her very presence. And every time I've seen her since, I simply am drawn to be near her...to talk with her...to hear her talk.

She is also physically beautiful...but that is beside the point and that isn't what I see when I see her. Everything I see in her is internal...Except the exhaustion.

For this shiny soul is going through a hard patch. Her husband is very ill. She is coping and taking care as best she can, and you can see it's taking it's toll. Her eyes are always red rimmed and you can sense the exhaustion, but it's not enough to dim the light of her being.

I saw her again on Easter. She told us of her husband's health, he's been in the hospital 5 times since November, and of their hope he will get to come home today...and then she asked me how work is going.

And this is part of her shining...no matter how much her life is dragging her down or how tired she is, she always finds time to ask how someone else is...and to share a word with them.

The very first night we talked to each other, I told her funny stories about dentures (her husband was getting them) and she volunteered to be a reference on a job I was trying for with the county (she works for the county)...and that's sort of how she is with people.

And then, last night, after talking about her husband and how ill he has been and how worried she has been about him, and then listening to my description of work, she took me to another room to pray for me. TO PRAY FOR ME. To lay hands on me and to share that shiny soul of hers with me and I thought, I should be praying for YOU, not the other way around...but anyway, off we went and she prayed for me for my work and said she sees it as being sort of a ministry for me, which gave me a better focus for work, and I told her she needed to take care of herself before she breaks, at which point we hugged and she cried.

I was utterly overwhelmed by the honor of hugging this shiny being...and I just had to share her shininess with you...

Be careful what you wish for....

Because you might get it...

I am facing a rough patch in my life and I'm struggling to remain focused on the positive...I am a recovering cynic and I slip back into that black abyss occasionally...

I cannot even talk about it because of the paranoia surrounding this issue in my life. But know that I need all the light and strength I can gather around myself to get through it.

Wow, that sounds dramatic...I don't mean for it to be that dramatic sounding. It's just that this is the second time since moving back to Spokane that I've faced this same issue and last time, I failed...it beat me.

I don't intend to be beaten this time. I intend to hold this person in all the light and love and forgiveness I know in the universe. I intend to triumph with light & good whereas last time I cowered in fear and tension. BUT, this is much easier to say in the quiet of my living room than it is to live out in the frantic pace of life.

So, I come to you, asking for your help, support, light, energy and prayers. And I thank you in advance for any support you are willing/able to give me.

We go onward...through the darkness...

Of cars and dreams and other things...

2 years ago this summer (2009), our son, Sean, went in for his 3rd open heart surgery and my husband's work allowed us to use the car for the 2nd week he was in the hospital. We fell in love with the vehicle, not just because we hadn't owned a car for a year and a half, but because it's sleek, comfortable, a smooth ride and fits us all and groceries!!!

From then till now, we've been allowed to use the car almost every payday to go get groceries. And we've continued to appreciate the luxury of using it and the dream of owning it someday.

Well that dream came true this week...The husband's company decided to sell their cars, and we were allowed to buy the Subaru.

Along with the blessing of owning a vehicle, comes the responsibilities of car ownership...transferring the title, buying tires (because the studded ones are still on it and it's only 6 days till we have to have them off) and worrying about insurance.

I WANT to be elated. I want to relax into believing we can pull this off...but mostly? Mostly I'm worried....

The Library of Alexandria...

Every so often, I run into a piece of history that I knew, sort of, but that I didn't know the "whole story" of.

I knew the Library of Alexandria existed and that it had been destroyed....and now I know how...

I watched a film last night on the city and culture that was Alexandria, that broke my heart. That a CHRISTIAN MOB would rush the library and destroy EVERYTHING was almost more than I could bear. It made me think of the horror I felt when the Muslims smashed he thousands of years old Buddhist statues.

But it was more than that. Not only did they destroy the library, they took a culture where women were respected and they plunged it back into the dark ages of oppression.

Hypatia was the daughter of Theon, who was her teacher and the last known mathematician associated with the Museum of Alexandria. She became head of the Platonist school at Alexandria in approximately 400. She taught MEN. This was her sin, well this and the fact that she wouldn't embrace Christianity. And she wouldn't embrace Christianity for many reasons, one of which was their oppression of women, their relegation of women to a second class citizen, one who could not teach. And for that she was killed.

In the movie it was kind of a romantic death, although we saw her dragged into the library and stripped naked. In the film, a man who was her slave, who had been in her school, smothers her so she isn't stoned to death. But the varying histories I've since read show that her death was so much more horrific. Some reports suggest she was flayed with ostraca (pot shards) and set ablaze while still alive, though other accounts suggest those actions happened after her death.

So many Christians have said to me that Christianity does not oppress women. That Christian history isn't that violent. But I know these are lies that one has to tell oneself to stay sane...I had to tell myself lies to remain in the right wing of fundamentalist Christianity in order to stay sane. And then one day, I simply couldn't do it anymore.

One thing I am believing because of our history, though, is that Islam could also grow up and grow through their violent tendencies given enough time. If we could do it, I believe they will do it also. I have to believe that to stay sane.

Our Exquisite 20th Anniversary Dinner

Tonight Jon and I went out for our 20th anniversary dinner at Italia Trattoria, which is a new restaurant in Browne’s Addition. Jon had Grilled rack of wild boar with braised faro, delicate squash and huckleberry balsamic. I had Grilled washimi flatiron steak, with roasted sun chokes, potatoes, brussels sprouts and porcini butter (I did taste, but did not eat the roasted sun chokes w/Brussels sprouts). His drink was a Zenzero, mine was a Pomedrop. They were excellent.

For dessert, I had TIRAMISU for the first time in my life. It was OMG good, so much so that when the waitress asked me how I liked it, I found myself speechless!!! Jon had Affogato which is espresso poured over vanilla ice cream.

The décor and atmosphere was fabulous. Our waitress, Maggie, was fantastic...

All in all it was a tremendously fulfilling and glorious evening…

Oh, and on the way home we stopped at Tully’s and grabbed a vanilla latte.

The only bad part of the whole evening was the thin ice all over the sidewalks. It made it so dangerous to walk!!! But we survived!!!

Reposting: Bowl of Saki, January 8, by Hazrat Inayat Khan

Bowl of Saki, January 8, by Hazrat Inayat Khan

Commentary by Pir-o-Murshid Inayat Khan:

The (limited) happiness of this world is something we cannot keep; it is just like the horizon - the nearer you go, the farther it goes. As soon as you get it, you see it is not the thing you wanted. That discontent continues its work till we have found and understood the manifestation of God, in which is hidden the Divine Spirit. God cannot be found in temples, for God is Love; and love does not live in temples, but in the heart of man, which is the temple of God. The true religion would be to recognize it is so and to tolerate, to forgive and to love each other.

There is a story told of Moses. One day he was passing through a farm, and he saw a peasant boy sitting quietly and talking to himself, saying, 'O God, I love you so; if I saw you here in these fields I would bring you soft bedding and delicious dishes to eat, I would take care that no wild animals could come near you. You are so dear to me, and I so long to see you; if you only knew how I love you I am sure you would appear to me!'

Moses heard this, and said, 'Young man, how dare you speak of God in this way? He is the formless God, and no wild beast or bird could injure Him who guards and protects all.' The young man bent his head sorrowfully and wept. Something was lost to him, and he felt most unhappy. And then a revelation came to Moses as a voice from within which said, 'Moses, what have you done? You have separated a sincere lover from Me. What does it matter what I am
called or how I am spoken to? Am I not in all forms?'

This story throws a great light on this question, and teaches that it is only the ignorant who accuse one another of a wrong conception of God. It teaches us how gentle we ought to be with the faith of another; as long as he has the spark of the love of God, this spark should be slowly blown upon so that the flame may rise; if not, that spark will be extinguished. How much the spiritual development of mankind in general depends upon a religious man! He can either spread the light or diminish it by forcing his belief on others.

Very often a person thinks that other people should believe in and worship his God. But everyone has his own conception of God, and this conception becomes the stepping-stone to the true ideal of God.

Nature teaches every soul to worship God in some way or other, and often provides that which is suitable for each. Those who want one law to govern all have lost sight of the spirit of their own religion. And it is in people who have not yet learned their own religion that such ideas are commonly found. Did they but know their own religion, how tolerant they would become, and
how free from any grudge against the religion of others!