I had one of those childhoods that left me with a specific set of fears that are not necessarily rational, but are there anyway, waiting in the dark to reach up and grab me and slam me to the floor. The past 16 months I've had to face down several of them, and I discovered that one fear I thought I would face, wasn't a thing I feared after all.
Then I lost my job. Funny, in all of my life I have rarely had to fear losing my home (whatever that home was at the time) until now. The loss of my job threw me up against two fears, one known, one unknown.
The fear of hunger. When a child spends a large percentage of her first 12 years hungry, it makes an impressive impact on the mind. Just saying the word "diet" causes my brain to overreact to the thought of deprivation which equals hunger and sets me up for failure. I've learned to use other terminology...
Then there is the loss of the place I am living...I have a love/hate relationship with this apartment...It's old, it has issues, and management is often not responsive enough. But I poured a lot of sweat and an ocean of tears into my existence here and, when faced with the thought of losing this 587 square feet, I went into panic overload.
"What do I have to give away?" (How much more of myself embodied in my books and trinkets can I give away without losing myself...) "Where on God's earth will I store the few things I don't want to give away?" (my bed, my kitchen table, my dishes, my books, my trinkets...) "How many boxes can I fit in my car?" "Where will I be able to safely park my car AND sleep in it?"
And suddenly this little corner of the world, this little apartment with it's stained paint and no shower and bad plumbing becomes so very dear to my heart because it's MY corner of the world...the place that sheltered me through the storm of the last 16 months...the place where I painted things and decorated on my own for the very first time in my life EVER...the place where I feel safe and ME. And knowing I could lose this little corner of the world has been the most difficult fear I've face this past 16 months.
I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I could barely force myself out of bed in the morning...I was almost immobilized.
I'm just barely past the fear now...It's worked it's paralyzing self through me and man, I am so tired of my life collapsing beneath me that I cannot even EXPRESS it adequately. And I don't know how to live a life that doesn't shift and change like this...Even if I get another job next week there is no guarantee that I won't lose it again and have this cycle of fear slam dunk me...And there simply isn't a way to prevent it, so I'm working through it slowly as I realize this uncertainty could haunt me all the rest of my life...GAH.
2 comments:
So, this probably isn't my place to say. As per usual, I am probably overstepping myself.
But I know that there are lot of people out there who love you - and I don't think any one of them is going to let you end up homeless and in your car.
I know your family has its dramas and its past (of which, I don't know much - but I know there is a lot of stuff behind y'all). I also know your family is full of amazing and fantastic people that you helped create, shape, teach and grow. And I know those people won't leave you sleeping in your car.
I hope - and I'm praying - you don't lose your apartment and that you find another job. A fulfilling job where you can learn to feel safe and secure.
And while it's not my place to say, (again, as per usual), I know you would have a home somewhere here in Austin, somewhere up there in Spokane or anywhere else your family is.
Because if they can take in and befriend a stray weird fat dude and show him things he already thought he knew, they won't leave you out in the cold or sleeping in your car.
And I hope I haven't overstepped myself much more than normal.
*hugs* For what it might or might not mean for you, you have a lot of people down here in Austin who have never met you who are praying for you and rooting for you and (for many of us) hoping to meet you one day when you get the chance to come down and visit.
Thanks, I appreciate your comments and several people in Texas have stated I could come there, not understanding that if I don't have enough to pay rent, I don't have enough to drive 2700 miles to Texas. :o) I am hoping to move in with my youngest son, his girlfriend and new baby due in August, but he is in college, she isn't working, and I have to have a job to do this. Thanks for the encouragement and I don't think you overstepped your boundaries here. :o) ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
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