I've decided this will be the last monthly update I title by months. I'm no longer going to define my life by how many months I've been on my own, but will simply write blogs as I used to, by subject or thought or whatever catches my fancy at the moment.
When I began this particular blog post, I went in search of an image that seemed like "healing". What does healing look like? I almost chose a heart with band-aids all over it...but then I saw this picture and I thought, this, this is what healing looks like. All waves and curves and color and flowers.
I still have days where I'm a puddle of goo, when I'm on the floor crying my guts out...but they are fewer and much farther in between. I have come to recognize the path my mind starts down that leads me to that place, and I've gotten better at catching myself as I begin the downward slide.
It is still often 2 steps forward/1o steps back, but there are definitely steps forward. I still question myself, what I thought, what I believed, what I chose, why I chose it. But that, too, is becoming a lesser preoccupation because I know in my most rational being, that that is an utter waste of time. No matter what one WAS thinking, one cannot now unthink it/unchose it. One can, however, look at it and PERHAPS see things now that one didn't see then, and adjust their thinking in accordance.
My goal is to paint a life canvas of love and compassion. To learn to trust myself again (if I ever really did). To fill my life with family and friends. And to spend more time in nature, nurturing the very core of my being.
Thank you to all of you who have stood by me and watched me struggle through this, even those of you who never understood they whys. And for that one or two of you that truly DO understand the why, a special, special thank you. In a relationship where the world didn't understand, you are truly a blessing.
Ok, then. On with my life.
3 comments:
This is so great momma! I am so proud for you!
For 25 years I was in a Church that had a support group for Widowed and Divorced people.
Both were experiencing the loss of the same intimate, self-defining relationship although divorce usually involves more anger issues as well as the loss grief.
Our society has little patience with or understanding of the grief process that must follow a major loss to be able to experience joy again. We are told to just "get over it" and "move on"--medicate rather than meditate and work through the pain.
I spoke with someone this weekend whose wife passed over a year ago and he is now coping with the clinical illnesses that delayed grief is causing as a result of trying to avoid the grief-pain by getting back to "business as usual" too soon.
Balance is so important to health. There are two mistakes I see people make when experiencing a severe loss--denial of grief and getting stuck in grief. You seem to have discovered that dynamic balance.
All of the great spiritual Traditions teach that we must die to the old life for new life to be born in us. Neither dying nor birthing are very comfortable experiences, which, I suppose, is why transitions are so painful even when they are a positive change for the better.
Thanks, Anonymous. I don't always feel balanced, but I'm working that direction.
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