Bethany's Divorce

My daughter, Bethany, is sad today. Her divorce (that she didn't want) is final and she didn't get a job she applied for. She called, crying, but she doesn't want any of us to come over. She wants to just get away in sleep.

 

Universalist Ramblings

To be a Universalist is to live in a narrowly populated place. Why, LORD, is it easier to believe GOD will send most people to eternal, unrelenting, horrible, burning torture than it is to believe GOD will reconcile all "men" to Him? Are we so pathological that others have to suffer torture to make us feel "more Christian"? Is our concept of the justice of GOD warped & twisted by some kind of blood lust? Ar we so insecure in Christ that we "NEED" to almost relish the thought of millions, nay billions, of souls, lost, trapped & tortured for all eternity? We cannot seem to rest enough in HIS grace to allow it for others.

Grasping Grace!!! We seem to need to grasp it as if there wasn't enough to go around! We must hoard it and not let it touch anyone who might "sully" GOD's grace. WAIT!!! That means ME!!! I would sully GOD's grace!!!

OH NO!!!

But GOD knew in his infinite knowing that every human being - on their own - would sully, muddy & dirty the world with sin. And that's why CHRIST died for us. For ALL sin, in ALL of man, in ALL ages. IN SPITE of their unbelief because our belief is ever imperfect; but HIS belief, HIS love and HIS grace are ever perfect and infinite, washing sin from the world. A virtual, constant, unending RAIN of Grace on a broken, hurting and lost world.

LOOK UP MY PEOPLE!!!

See, receive, absorb the grace raining down upon you! Feel the Grace! Know me through my Grace & Mercy & Love...Be still and KNOW.

Conundrums

For 20 years I wished, hoped and prayed to come home to Spokane. I'm here now. I've been here 1.5 years. And I worry that this isn't where we should be because NOTHING seems to be going right. I stumble along the edge of despair. One blow after another. Never making ends meet, let alone getting even slightly ahead. Afraid? No. Numb. Numb from the constant bombs dropping in our lives. And now this feeling of disassociation from life, from things I normally enjoy. It worries me.

Some say I've "thought" myself into this mess. That if I simply "think positive, wealth generating thoughts" my life will turn around miraculously and we will be flush with money and security. My rational mind looks at that thought and laughs. My emotional mind tried this theory a few times and then gave up. Evidently I don't have the kind of "faith" it takes to manifest my destiny. Does that anger me? No. Dissapoint me? Perhaps. But mostly, I'm numb.

Jon lost another job. I think I thought this area of our lives was going to be better when he did so well at Unisys. I was wrong. Dell should have taught me that.

I'm looking for part-time work on the weekends. Can I handle this emotionally or exhaustionally? No. But I don't make enough at Northstar to pay the bills, ESPECIALLY owing G1 money, so I have to do something.

Giving plasma, if I qualify EVERY time, is an extra $55 a week, $210 per month. That would pay G1 and get us gas for the car. I'll be doing that if or until I find a part-time job.

I am 52. I have nothing to show for my life but my kids. I've never owned anything substantial. Not even new cars. No house, no land. Just rentals and bills wearing me down, grinding my spirit. I'm so tired.

Bethany

Today Bethany enrolled at SCC. To get a degree in Library Science. I am so jealous and so proud of her. Gail gave her money to enroll. Don't quite know how I feel about that, but I guess anything that helps my children is a good thing, no matter who foots the bill.

Work/Family/Life

Jon got fired today for an email he sent me discussing the bad ethics of the company he was working at. Sigh. Life and it's ups and downs can really get to you at times.

He has an interview at Bank of America in the morning at 11AM and I am praying hard for his success. He wanted it more than what he had anyway, but thought he had the time to see.

Plus, I spoke to Bethany yesterday and they are really getting desperate financially at their house. No money for food or electricity. Just barely hanging on there. I plan to help her some this month if I can. TP, cat food, stuff like that.

Tom Edlin

I cannot BELIEVE Tom Edlin. We got out of training yesterday at 12:15PM and ON THE WAY HOME he told me he had traded shifts with Tom Hill. So I don't have a way to work on Monday. This after I made SURE I was scheduled at the same time as he was. I was so upset I almost cried. I did cry later. I felt like this was so inconsiderate. How could he not tell me until it was too late to find a ride????? ARGH.

Then I get home and try to find a ride. No luck. Jeremy has to work. Tamara is too overwhelmed by life. Michelle isn't working that day and no one has Tom Hill's phone number. I will have to take the last bus out and sit for 2.5 hours before my shift. THIS SUCKS.

My Boxes

Saturday night I went to bed exhausted and found I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about Sunday being "D" day for Amber and Jason going through my boxes. Eventually I got up and called David. He assured me that all my boxes are safe at his house in his closet as of Friday. THANK GOD. And he and Forest will go over and get my stereo on Thursday. All of my stuff will be safe from Amber and Jason. I am so relieved. I still had some trouble sleeping, but it was better than lying there worrying about it.
We stayed up too late last night and today I am EXHAUSTED. I can barely keep my eyes open. Thank goodness Monday's are fairly hectic here at work. It keeps me on my toes!!!

The Written Word

There was a time when I LOVED writing in my journal. The act of writing gave me such comfort. Why has my life gotten to a place/time where writing, the time for writing, is no longer available to me?

My life is in a stressed place. There simply is never enough time. I don't understand or want this level of "busyness" in my life. I hate feeling like I never have time to rest and relax. I don't remember this feeling as much in Austin.

Of course in Austin, I had my own washer/dryer and didn't have to run around doing laundry. I didn't work till hours after dark (I started in the dark and left work in the light). I guess it's just a matter of adapting. However, it FEELS like I have more to do in less time.

 

Work

How, on God's green earth can any one person learn all of this? I am overwhelmed daily with the sheer IMMENSITY of knowledge in this building and we are expected to learn it.

I know that I am new and that as a newbie I am not as knowledgeable as the ones who have been here so much longer than I have, but I listen to them talk and it's just mind-boggling to me. The trip from where I am to where I must be seems daunting.

I talked to Sunny about IRs today. She was very calming and helpful. She gave me some hints on how to make it work better. That helped me center and look at the IRs I had. I actually completed 4 of them between calls. Amazing.

Amber

Amber totally broad sided me this weekend with her ultimatum about my boxes. I had till 1/9/05 to make "a decision" about my boxes or she and Jason would go through them and "decide" what is and isn't important enough to keep, put the "important" stuff in smaller boxes and give the rest to Goodwill, and then basically till 2/9/05 to get them out of her house or she would give everything I left at her house to Goodwill. She said she had talked to David and he had said he would NOT take my boxes (this after I had just talked to him). I was crying and I called David. He called Amber and I HOPE they worked it out so my boxes are safe.