Superfluous...

Have you ever felt superfluous? Totally and utterly useless? I feel that way sometimes, and I just finished an 8 week temporary position that reinforced that uncomfortable feeling within me. So...I wanted to do something useful. Know what I mean?

The husband went to Texas to his father's retirement party and I spent the week finishing up unpacking/sorting stuff I had let go too long. I was pleased that I finally finished that, but it wasn't enough.

The first week the husband was back was my week between jobs. My temporary position ended on 11/11/11 and my new position doesn't start until 11/21/11. I set some goals for this week off...yeah, ME...setting goals!!!! OMG, and the world didn't even come to an end!!! Go figure...

I decided I was going to get my hands on a hand sander and refinish the top of the kitchen table I inherited from a friend. She had had it on her covered patio, and when we moved into this house, table-less, she gave it to me. I don't know if the top of the table had been white like the legs are, but she had spray painted the top purple.

At first I had decided simply to Spackle the deep gouges and then to repaint the table cobalt blue, my favorite color. But then I found a set of chairs on Craigslist. They were all wood. And suddenly the goal was clear: Sand the top, stain the top, seal the top and repaint the legs. So I did!!!

Monday I sanded the top of the table. It took 4 hours counting breaks because the vibrations numbed my hands and wrists. There was purple dust EVERYWHERE!!!! (It's winter, so I did this indoors, much to my chagrin...breathing purple dust sucks).

Tuesday morning I went to Lowes after researching stain online. I had wanted Minwax stain in Natural, but they didn't have that. The lightest color they had was Maple, so I bought that and a cheap painbrush. I put 2 coats of stain on the table letting it dry 6 hours in between.

Wednesday the husband was home sick, so I decided NOT to polyurethane and went to a friends for a few hours instead.

Thursday morning I went to Lowes after researching sealing Minwax stain and got a can of Minwax Polyurethane sealant. I put 2 coats of the sealant on the table, allowing 6 hours to dry in between. I was rather disturbed that this sealant didn't "finish" like I thought it would. But I got over it.

Today I stopped at Lowes (why didn't I do this all at once, you ask? I dunno) and got a quart of paint. I didn't know how much I would need...so I gambled on a quart. It was WAY too much. Oh well, live and learn. I got eggshell, which is just off from white, because it was on sale for $10 less than the other whites. I was happy.

I came home and painted the bottom edges and legs of the table. Waited a few hours and put on another coat. Waited a few hours, flipped the table and put on a final coat of the polyurethane sealant. VIOLA!!!! Done. Whew.

Then I fixed the toilet tissue fixture that fell apart, fixed the towel rack in the downstairs basement that fell apart, and hung the blue shelf and sconces in my room.

EVERTHING I set out to do before starting my new job: DONE!!! WOOHOO!!!! I can set goals and accomplish them!!! I am not as useless as life sometimes makes me feel!!! It's an amazing feeling. Now I know how people get so goal oriented: They want the accomplishment payoff!!!

Who should/shouldn't be allowed to parent?

Someone said this to me recently, but truly, I've heard this repeated over and over my whole life, so I thought I'd state the thought and then ask the question that makes us all follow this to the logical conclusion. So, the statement is this:

You have to have a license to drive but anybody can be a parent.

So, the question is this:

Assuming they decided to license parenthood, what standards should be set? What tests should be given? How would YOU decide who is/isn't "fit to be a parent"????

Training the heart/mind

I'm working on training the heart/mind to see and seek out the positive within me and to bring it to my mouth/mind...heart & mind (inner) to mouth & mind (outer). Seeing the negative and recognizing it without allowing it to seep into the heart/mind...

Standing on positivity in the face of a negative onlaught...makes it difficult to be positive at all. Be the positive you want to see in the world! Become Joy. Breathe Joy. Radiate Joy.

God is the energy, the love, the light, the indwelling, infusing Joy...or contentment. I cannot seem to manage joy...

From my October 21st, 2011 Journal Entry

Thinking again of: "If you can't say anything POSITIVE, don't say anything at all"...how do I train my mind/mouth to make this connection and put it into action?

I think this will require a mental overhaul/mind rewiring/rerouting! Internal positive focus...

Acceptance is passive, not a positive focus. Just sitting back & allowing life to wash over you is not positive focus. The river of life eddies and flows and often RUSHES over/around me and mostly I simply allow it. So this analogy is how I deal with life pretty much all the time now. This ins not a very interactive/proactive way to live. It mostly works for me, but perhaps, is why life often feels like it's not working for me?

Some people have life goals and a life map of how they intend to get there. These people have a chart or a list of mini-goals set up along their life way.

I've never really been "goal-oriented" in my life. Except for my goal to have children, I really didn't set any goals in my life! Even in that one goal: have children, I didn't take into consideration that to achieve that goal, I'd probably have to find a husband and get married. LOL

I "wanted to be" or "desired to be" a librarian, for example, but did not have/make a plan & life washed me along and instead I went to Kinman and became an office admin and had those children.

Then a new relationship flowed into my life and I switched streams, had another 2 children and continued to let life wash me along.

It is this mindset, I think, that makes it difficult for me to follow through in ANY field of endeavor. I am GREAT at wanting/desiring to achieve goals, but I am LOUSY at follow-up/follow-through!

This is part of what hinders me from keeping a clean house. I start out great guns, but a week or a month or a year later, I slack off. This is why I've been doing dishes the MINUTE I get home so I don't let the house/kitchen slide one day! It would disrupt the flow of diligence! And, I'm hoping this "learning diligence" that I'm working on in the house will help me be diligent in other areas (like health/eating/exercise).

SO...if the goal is only speaking positives: HOW would I structure goals for my mind to get from here ----------------------------> to there?

Focus thoughts on positive things. Find positive things to meditate on. Gratitude journalling again.

Maybe I want to be consumed/obsessed/driven...at least with focusing on the positive. Hmmm, search for...seek out...find the positive in every situation...

GOD = Love = Positivity & uplifting encouragement & is life sustaining...Hard to grasp when you see GOD as mind/energy? Maybe not.

The energy of GOD supports & sustains every living thing positively in love. The air we breathe = positivity. The earth we live on = positivity. The water we drink = positivity. All from the mind/energy of GOD.

So to meditate on positivity and love is to meditate on GOD.

So then, another question, can a person be focused and laid back? Driven/committed and at peace? Loving, kind, compassionate, accepting WHILE being focused on the positive in life/self/others/world?

From My October 20th, 2011 Journal Entry

Two people this week said that I am negative...something I thought I'd been working on, but maybe not.

Can I adopt: IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING POSITIVE, DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL as a personal motto? Knowing the negativity is creeping back in gives me the opportunity to examine my life. Am I what I think I am? What do I want to be? What do I want to be in life?

I want to be...loving, kind, accepting, compassionate, positive but realistic (is that possible?), charitable, smiling, joyful (seeking joy in life & relationships): inner joy -> out of innr joy will come joy in life & relationships. So, I think my inner work right now needs to be on inner joy...maybe go back to the Awakening Joy website or find a workbook on Inner Joy? Or look at St Joseph's for a workshop on finding joy?

What is Joy? I imagine that it is different for different people. Not sure. (From contentment comes joy? Not sure). I know that I feel more relaxed in the new house where we have more space, even though the first floor upkeep is requiring more diligence.

Seeking authentic, self-relevant joy is important. (My issue with having flat affect is an issue...) Am I capable of feeling highs/lows? I did cry when mom was dying. I can feel sadness/anger (and do, regularly). I need to track POSITIVE, up feelings, because there is where my lack of ability to feel seems to lie.

Joy...What is joy? How do I figure out what creates Joy within me?

Singing in worship...

Sitting by the river...

A cup of hot tea...

Baby laughter...

Hugs...

Sitting outside...

Journalling...

Going to coffee...

Watching a sunrise/sunset...

Reading a good book...

Watching a good movie/TV series...

Listening to music...

Walking in the woods, along the river...

Dinner at the table as a family...

Candlelight...

Showers...

An orderly home (oddly enough)...

What does joy feel like? "The emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation: 'She felt the Joy of seeing her son's success.' A state of happiness, of felicity." Sigh, maybe joy is to joyous of a word for what I'm seeking here. Maybe I should use contentment or peace? Quiet joy not extravagant joy?

Confessions of a Non-Neat Freak

I have to confess…I am not a neat freak. I never have been. In fact, at one point in my life (and for a LONG time) I was a slob to the core…probably from the rebellion of my teen years (no I will NOT clean my room) to the rebellion within my 2^nd marriage (no I will NOT clean your house). Sigh.

So, slowly, I have gotten better. But I have a LONG way to go.

We just moved. We made a pact about the first floor (living/dining). It will be clean. People dropping in clean. Not cluttered with books and magazines (as I generally live).

So…I’m running around wondering HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS? How do neat freaks manage this? How is there enough time in any day to be THIS VIGILANT??? It’s exhausting. Will it ever get easier???? Will it ever become second nature?

This comes back to my general inability (in my life in many areas) to follow through. I get the concept of WANTING a clean house (or to exercise more or to lose a few pounds or whatever thing you wish to commit to long term). And I run at the concept with great gusto…I WANT to succeed, I am DETERMINED to succeed.

But I don’t.

Why is this? Why can’t I manage to follow-through with long term commitments (except for marriage to a degree). WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????? Help? Thoughts?

Expectations...

Have you ever had a night that you REALLY looked forward to...you planned, you saved money, you primped and wore the fanciest things (think proms or weddings) and NOTHING went the way you wanted it to? Tonight I had a flashback to high school dances where sometimes the illusion of a good time is totally destroyed...

But it's not just proms and weddings. It's anniversaries and other things where we set this expectation of "having a good time" and then we fall short of that good time and we are left feeling bereft.


And is it just we women who do this? Because I know, in my experience that it's we women who most often suffer the disappointment of a night gone not right...

I was reminded of this this weekend, and it was a very sad memory and remembering...

So, what is it? Are we expecting too much? Is it wrong to expect an evening/event we've scrimped and planned for to go the way we want it to? Can we, as humans, expect ANYTHING like this?

I find this goes back to my fairy tale/daydream theory. We see in our minds eye the evening as it should be, before it even happens. We vicariously live it before we actually live it. And in our minds eye, it's perfect. The guy opens the door...the music is perfect...we dance until we drop...

And then, it's really here...Can reality EVER stand up to fantasy? Of course not. So, how do we not set ourselves up for disappointment? Not dream? Not want that good time/fantasy night?

I don't know, to be honest. I'm just working my way through all of this fantasy vs. reality stuff without getting my guts shredded when life simply doesn't work the way we want it. I'm open to ideas!!!