On Brothers...

I have 3 sisters, but only 1 brother. We lived together 8 years before life separated us. I saw him again when he was 15, and then again when he was 27 and then, this year. It is insane that siblings see each other so rarely. But life, and finances, have always been issues for us.

It was great to see him. To see he is struggling but surviving. To be around his comedic personality again. All of my kids really like him. I wish we all lived closer, or had more time/money/ability to visit more often. Sigh.

Pessimist, my new label...

Main Entry: pessimism
Pronunciation: 'pe-s&-"mi-z&m also 'pe-z&-
Function: noun
Etymology: French pessimisme, from Latin pessimus worst -- more at PEJORATIVE
1 : an inclination to emphasize adverse aspects, conditions, and possibilities or to expect the worst possible outcome
2 a : the doctrine that reality is essentially evil b : the doctrine that evil overbalances happiness in life
- pessimist /-mist/ noun

I've been told that I am a pessimist...and to confirm it I asked a couple other people who know me and they confirmed that often this is true. Especially about my marriage and life in general. This thought depresses me. To think that I was such a wide-eyed innocent who believed that everyone was good and that all things would work out in the end to someone that people perceive so negatively is almost more than I can bear...

Radical Golden Rule

Seven Statements of Golden Rule Radicalism

1. There are underlying universal principles common to all human communities. The closest we have come to discerning these principles is embodied in the Golden Rule, which can be recognized in all life-affirming faiths and secular moral codes.
   
2. The practice of the Golden Rule does not require the practice of any faith or secular tradition. Nor does it preclude or discourage such practice except where that tradition is antagonistic toward or dismissive of other experiences of the Divine.
   
3. The essential nature of the Golden Rule is embodied in relationships - with individuals, groups, and Creation. Therefore the practice of the Golden Rule is not concerned with sacrifice, but with self worth.
   
4. The Golden Rule implies that all people, without qualification, have intrinsic value and worth. By extension, so too do all aspects of Creation.
   
5. The presence of the Golden Rule suggests the presence of the Divine. It therefore encourages religious pluralism and interfaith dialogue.
   
6. The spirit of the Golden Rule compels us to act to address injustice, inequity and exploitation, whether of individuals, groups, or Creation.
   
7. To act in harmony with the Golden Rule we must seek first to understand those that we would interact with. This effort enhances our ability to relate to others in accordance with the principle of the Golden Rule.

On living & dying and growing older...

this episode with my grandmother has made me look at my life. my future. and the burden i may become to my husband/children.

funny how we joke about life. i'm going to do this or be this. reality is often so different.

i have no retirement money of my own. none. not one penny. my gram had enough put away that she lived on that for 6 years before this crisis. had she died at the age of any of her husbands, it would have been enough. because the women in my family are long lived, it wasn't.

my dad and i have this silly pact about living to be 120. i see now that this kind of joking is so impractical.

i also say i'm going to work till i die. but i know that the laws and mores of my own country are against me in this. they simply don't allow people to work till they die. i don't know at what age i can expect to be forced to stop working, i really don't. but i know that day will come.

between that day and the day i die i MAY (if bush doesn't tamper with the years involved and IF it doesn't fail) have some social security to live on. i believe my last statement said if i retire at the earliest age i'd get $725 and if i retire at the right age i'll get a little more, maybe $1200 a month to live on till i die.

best case scenario: i remain healthy, find a studio apartment in a rent-controlled complex and live on my own. i MIGHT make it that way.

worst case scenario...well we all know what that is.

i spoke to my husband about my concerns because i believe that if i were disabled in any major way he'd walk away from me. he assures me this isn't the case. he'd be OBLIGATED to stay with me to be able to look his sons in the eyes and to avoid being beat up by my older 4. i decided i don't much care for that term.

why am i rambling on? because i'm not sleeping well again and sometimes thinking this out aloud is cathartic.

thoughts out loud...

Life

Sometimes, as we live our lives, we stop...we ponder...we wonder...life moves so fast. We are busy people. Work, church, children, home and the chores that entails, gym...so much busyness. So little true interaction.

My heart aches...it longs...for what? For time? Yes. For time. Time to ponder. Time to walk along the river again. To sit. To not have to be one single place but where I am. To be able to listen to the river sing. The trees singing back-up. The glorious smell of the entire concert of greens and blues...I miss it so...

An Amber Question

A Question from Amber:

Can I ask you a question? Do you ever regret having kids and having people always depending on you? I just know that there has got to be things that you gave up or put on hold so that you could have this life that you have with kids and a husband and stuff. Just wondering.

And my response to her:

wow. you always ask the hard questions...

do i ever regret having kids. yes and no. this will sound odd, maybe, but here goes. not you 4. i was young and full of energy and all i wanted was to raise kids. i wanted to be a traditional soccer mom and home school and the whole 9 yards. which i never got to do because we always needed me to work. i don't think i hardly ever thought about what i might have missed when i was raising you 4.

with the boys it's different. i thought i was done having kids. i am older, and WAY tireder and sometimes i get twinges of regret with them. i am 53. i've never owned my own home. i've never had a new car. i've never been able to go back to school. i can't even find time to read alone or meditate or walk alone in the woods. i sometimes think, what if i hadn't had these last two and i had the hours to do stuff? then i feel bad.

things are not life, though. people are life. relationships are life. whatever the "hereafter" is it will not involve THINGS. it will involve people. the people we've loved in our lives. the people we've touched. so although i don't have things, i have people. good, caring, loving people. so in many ways i am richer than someone in a 1.5 million dollar house who drives a mercedes. you know?

i've had people depending on me since i was 4. when my mother put my baby brother in my arms and went to the bar. in any given family or relationship there is always a sense of being depended on. i don't mind that so much. i just wish i were more financially able to help. but i'm not. so i try to help in any other ways i can. i don't always succeed. but i try.

dealing with gram has led me to all kinds of new worries. i don't have money like she did to take care of me if i live as long as she has. i fear becoming a burden to you all. i wish i had saved more, educated myself more to earn more so that i had some kind of retirement to look forward to. instead, i have to work till i die or till i am disabled or till the world won't let me anymore. and then...well, that's the scary part.

jon teases me about taking care of me in "my old age" but in reality, i believe that is not going to happen. he's not good at handling life and things and if i stay healthy he will be fine, but if something happens to me that makes me less than healthy, well, i don't know what he'd do. again, facing fears squarely, i think he'd walk away.

anyway, i've wandered all over the place. funny you should ask me this today. yesterday i wrote in my blog:

"Sometimes, as we live our lives, we stop...we ponder...we wonder...life moves so fast. We are busy people. Work, church, children, home and the chores that entails, gym...so much busyness. So little true interaction.
My heart aches...it longs...for what? For time? Yes. For time. Time to ponder. Time to walk along the river again. To sit. To not have to be one single place but where I am. To be able to listen to the river sing. The trees singing back-up. The glorious smell of the entire concert of greens and blues...I miss it so..."

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Musings

It's been a whirlwind week. First, I am told my daughter, Bethany, my bestest friend, is moving back to Austin. One of the main reasons I moved up here was so that I (and her little brother Sean) could live near her. And after reassuring me that she would not be moving back to Texas ever, she is, after all. Of course, between the promise and the now lies a divorce and depression and school and discouragement. Texas is much better for those of us who suffer from SAD. Still and all, however, it was devastating.

At the end of that same week, chaos broke out on a group of lists I belonged to that are owned by a very dear friend. After the dust settled, I find I am not on any of her lists, and that I may have lost her friendship, and the friendship of several other ladies that I value. My spirit is reeling from the losses and I feel like I am wandering around in a blue fog. I now doubt myself on email. Somehow, the essence of who I am got so misunderstood that it cost me beloved friends. I took myself out of most of the groups I belonged to. I went from 144 egroups to about 30 in one day of depression.

How do these things happen? How do things get so mangled, so twisted, so out of control? I surely do not know. I only know that it costs too much. It hurts too much. The lonliness that has always haunted me almost swallowed me whole this week. I am numb.