World Travel

I've always wanted to see the world and all the wonders thereof. Rome, Jerusalem, Ireland, Scotland, Australia and New Zealand being high on my list. Finances have prevented me from being able to do this.

As I have gotten older, this has started to bother me more. No matter how the world ends, there seems to be no chance that the earth will be the same on the other side. The mountains will fall therefore the buildings will fall. No Sistine chapel. No sacred wells. No Stonehenge to visit. This lifetime seems to be it. And most of us don't have the money to wander the earth...

I am just profoundly sad these days and it' is spilling over into all my thought processes.

The Fourth of July

I have been so pensive, weepy and downright depressed lately. I see the world and what America is becoming and I shudder. I see others that either don't see what is happening OR who approve what is happening and I wonder if the world has gone mad.

I watched "The Patriot" today and I thought about our beginnings as a country. All the pride and the glory and the brilliance that went into making us. What happened to it? To us?

We became prideful and lazy. Too willing to let "big government" do it all. Too big. Too brash. Too undisciplined. And now? We may be too far down the road to recover. To regain the greatness that we were. I ache for my country and it's people. For what we may have to endure in our decline.

I pray for our leaders. We are facing dark times in the world and things are so complicated. Terrorists and terror abound. There seems no clear way to "fix" things.

Stress Cure...

Jiaogulan (pronounced gee-OW-goo-lahn) normalizes the body's neuro-endocrine functions - a fancy way of saying that it prevents stress hormones from flooding your body and wreaking havoc on your nerves during high-pressure situations.

Called "the poor man's ginseng" but it's really the smart woman's energizer; it's as good as ginseng at stimulating the release of the adrenal and thyroid hormones that activate your energy and metabolism. It also strengthens the heart, helping it pump more blood, oxygen and nutrients with every beat.

Jiaogulan can up your body's production of infection-fighting white blood cells by 225% in a month. Take 240 mg. of jiaogulan daily.

Jiaogulan is available in some health-food stores and Oriental herb shops. You can also order it online at www.immortalityherb.com. Choose a standardized capsule, and start with 20-40 mg. three times daily. You should start feeling better within a week.

 

CJ's Big 5 Diet

NO Potatoes
NO Sugar
NO Bread
NO Rice
NO Pasta

As a general rule I violate CJs "Big 5" almost HOURLY here at work!!! Sigh. I can be out-of-control that way. Arrrgh.

Fairy Tales vs Reality

Life is difficult. The level of life we often seek is on such an unrealistic level that the failure to achieve it leaves the reality of life feeling even more empty and mundane than it is. I see so clearly why people eat, drink and do drugs to ease the pain of the gap.

Fantasy sets our sights so HIGH...on things that we often cannot achieve or have. we SAY to our children and to ourselves that we can do and/or be WHATEVER WE WANT to do or be. But our reality belies our dreams. We TELL ourselves lies to survive our realities.

And often, we shift the blame! "GOD" gave - "Satan" took. All the stories we tell ourselves to live in the mind-numbing pain and emptiness that is life.

What if most of what you believed about yourself turned out not to be true? What if the ONE THING you thought you were good at turns out to be something you UTTERLY FAILED at? What if this causes you to be unable to live with yourself? What then?


To listen to Amber, for most of her life you'd think I was a HORRID parent. One child out of 4 right? Not bad.

But now Bethany, my oldest, is falling apart and the blame seems to be squarely on my shoulders.

And David...the burden he bore because of my stupidity.

And Jeremy...The scars he now bears from the break-up and the following insanity. To the point that he FEARS remembering his childhood.

Now we have 4 out of 4 and suddenly the very foundation of who I thought I was CRUMBLES.

~TOXIC MOTHER~ That's me.

So my purpose for staying with the boys and their father is what? To fuck up their lives too? So they can tell me later how I destroyed their lives? No WONDER my mom ran away.

Lonliness...

Sometimes the lonliness and the emptiness of my life reaches out and grabs me and I wonder how I can go on another MOMENT. In dreams it is so easy...but the reality of life SUCKS.