I'm still battling depression. I feel both heavy and numb at the same time. It's an odd feeling.
"You
seduced me with your mind and then you took it away. Instead of living
life with me, you choose to live in a drugged stupor. And I walk the
wasteland...screaming in pain...and you never even hear me."
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
Sunday, February 23, 2003
Questions...
Where does the willingness go? When
relationships cause such a vacuum of good that it begins to feel all
bad? the dearth of good, kind, loving moments...the abundance of
emptiness.
Jewel dies. Jon chooses punishment and suddenly I don't want to do this anymore.
Emptiness eats at my soul. Is there goodness or kindness anywhere anymore? So much emptiness in my marriage. And THIS is better than...WHAT???? Emptiness is emptiness.
My husband would rather be a drugged zombie than deal with life. I am part of that life that he would rather be drugged than deal with.
The life we have (I hesitate to use the word "created") together (did we EVER do anything together besides creating our sons?) is unbearable for him. How am I supposed to live and deal with that? Words literally fail me...
Jewel dies. Jon chooses punishment and suddenly I don't want to do this anymore.
Emptiness eats at my soul. Is there goodness or kindness anywhere anymore? So much emptiness in my marriage. And THIS is better than...WHAT???? Emptiness is emptiness.
My husband would rather be a drugged zombie than deal with life. I am part of that life that he would rather be drugged than deal with.
The life we have (I hesitate to use the word "created") together (did we EVER do anything together besides creating our sons?) is unbearable for him. How am I supposed to live and deal with that? Words literally fail me...
Friday, February 21, 2003
My Birthday...
Next year I am NOT going to take his birthday off of work. All I did was
run errands for him and wait on him hand and foot. I do that ANYWAY
without adding hours of slave labor to my day.
Today I am 50. Unless I have plans with the kids next year OR we are living in Spokane, I will not be taking my birthday off either. He never wants to go anywhere anyway. A waste of a day off. Sigh.
Jewel Hale died at 12:40PM today after a 3 year battle with cancer.
Today I am 50. Unless I have plans with the kids next year OR we are living in Spokane, I will not be taking my birthday off either. He never wants to go anywhere anyway. A waste of a day off. Sigh.
Jewel Hale died at 12:40PM today after a 3 year battle with cancer.
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
Jon's Birthday...
Jon's birthday was anti-climactic. We had spent Sunday at Golden Corral
with Carole and Harold, Don and Terry, Penny and Jake and Sharon. Then
off to Sharon's house for cake, ice cream and presents.
I received an angel pin from Carole, earrings and a wind up church from Sharon, and a manicure set from Don and Terri. It was lovely.
Jon and I also received a $100 gift card to JC Penneys. He wanted to look for a TV but they no longer carry them so instead we bought a new sheet set (light blue), a new comforter (dark blue and light blue plaid) and 2 new king size bed pillows, plus a small soft purple pillow for Jon's naps on the couch in the computer room.
Then, on his actual birthday, we did nothing (even though I took the night off, sigh). I mostly was his gopher for his lunch, coffee, drinks, etc. He got up at 7:30AM and was on the computer playing DAOC until 2:30AM the next morning. 19 hours of gaming! And then, REEKING of cigarette smoke, he crawled into our bed, between the new sheets...HUGE SIGH...where I had been since 10:30PM. He said it was a great birthday though. To each their own....
I received an angel pin from Carole, earrings and a wind up church from Sharon, and a manicure set from Don and Terri. It was lovely.
Jon and I also received a $100 gift card to JC Penneys. He wanted to look for a TV but they no longer carry them so instead we bought a new sheet set (light blue), a new comforter (dark blue and light blue plaid) and 2 new king size bed pillows, plus a small soft purple pillow for Jon's naps on the couch in the computer room.
Then, on his actual birthday, we did nothing (even though I took the night off, sigh). I mostly was his gopher for his lunch, coffee, drinks, etc. He got up at 7:30AM and was on the computer playing DAOC until 2:30AM the next morning. 19 hours of gaming! And then, REEKING of cigarette smoke, he crawled into our bed, between the new sheets...HUGE SIGH...where I had been since 10:30PM. He said it was a great birthday though. To each their own....
Tuesday, January 28, 2003
Reflections
Some people seem able to overcome their failings...others continue to
have problems. I can SET GOALS easily. I can think things through. Where
I fall down is in following through.
Sunday, January 5, 2003
More...
When Crossroads told me that I was responsible for "destroying" his life
and I ACCEPTED that responsibility, I didn't think I'd have to carry it
for the rest of my life. I foolishly thought he'd chose to partner me.
To grow up. To shoulder some of the burden. 12 years later, I see i
was...naive in this belief. Now I know that this may NEVER happen. It's a
difficult thought for me to deal with. It creates a pool of resentment
in my spirit that causes me to be moody, irritable and edgy. Not to
mention depressed. I don't know what to do or how to handle it. I don't
know how to empty the pool of resentment so it no longer influences me.
Besides the fact that his IRRESPONSIBILITY is ongoing. So - theoretically - I could be emptying this pool (i.e., prayer, writing out, forgiveness) just barely fast enough for the next filling. I don't know how to get to a place where his irresponsibility doesn't hurt/anger me anymore. LYING to myself by SAYING I don't care is just that - a LIE. And it just isn't working for me anymore.
I fell lost, alone, buried, depressed, angry, hurt...sigh...and HE doesn't even care. Sometimes I just want to run away and leave him with all the responsibility of the boys, dishes, laundry, work, bills...it scares me. Instead I stay and plod along all alone. Trying hard not to break and fall. Not to crack and start screaming or crying and not be able to stop.
I dream of love and peace. I wake to drudgery. Sometimes I don't want to wake. I just want to sleep on and on.
Besides the fact that his IRRESPONSIBILITY is ongoing. So - theoretically - I could be emptying this pool (i.e., prayer, writing out, forgiveness) just barely fast enough for the next filling. I don't know how to get to a place where his irresponsibility doesn't hurt/anger me anymore. LYING to myself by SAYING I don't care is just that - a LIE. And it just isn't working for me anymore.
I fell lost, alone, buried, depressed, angry, hurt...sigh...and HE doesn't even care. Sometimes I just want to run away and leave him with all the responsibility of the boys, dishes, laundry, work, bills...it scares me. Instead I stay and plod along all alone. Trying hard not to break and fall. Not to crack and start screaming or crying and not be able to stop.
I dream of love and peace. I wake to drudgery. Sometimes I don't want to wake. I just want to sleep on and on.
Wednesday, January 1, 2003
New Years Day
Personal Goals:
1. Attend church more often (at least 2 times per month)
2. Find more ways to relax and have fun.
3. Lose weight: Get under 200 (Guggle/Phase2 - Carb Blocker)
4. Make healthier choices (Food/Exercise/Relationship)
5. More Prayer and Meditation
Work Goals:
1. Less chatting
2. Study for A+ Test
3. Stand against the negativity (ritual/prayer)
In a life where nothing ever changes and everything stays the same, my sense of discouragement causes me to become impatient and snappy. I hate being so impatient, it makes me crazy. And then Jon gets snippy with me. So what I am asking of myself is NOT complaining and NOT getting impatient about it. Writing helps some, but not enough. How does one ENDURE the sameness of life without breaking? How does one REALLY accept the endless servitude f their life so that it's TRUE ACCEPTANCE without the root of bitter resentment? I'm not sure I know how.
1. Attend church more often (at least 2 times per month)
2. Find more ways to relax and have fun.
3. Lose weight: Get under 200 (Guggle/Phase2 - Carb Blocker)
4. Make healthier choices (Food/Exercise/Relationship)
5. More Prayer and Meditation
Work Goals:
1. Less chatting
2. Study for A+ Test
3. Stand against the negativity (ritual/prayer)
In a life where nothing ever changes and everything stays the same, my sense of discouragement causes me to become impatient and snappy. I hate being so impatient, it makes me crazy. And then Jon gets snippy with me. So what I am asking of myself is NOT complaining and NOT getting impatient about it. Writing helps some, but not enough. How does one ENDURE the sameness of life without breaking? How does one REALLY accept the endless servitude f their life so that it's TRUE ACCEPTANCE without the root of bitter resentment? I'm not sure I know how.
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