Loneliness...

I'm struggling with an emotion I don't remember ever experiencing before...loneliness. Oh, don't get me wrong, we moved a LOT when I was a kid and there were times I really missed some of the people we left behind, but this latest upheaval in my life has left me emotionally bereft and I find myself wandering around in a fog of such loneliness that my heart threatens to capsize in my inner being. And this feeling is complicated by the fact that I feel like I'm not supposed to/allowed to feel these feelings. So I hold them closely inside of me having no one to share them with. It becomes a black hole in my soul that threatens to eat me alive. So...I thought I'd write about it just a little, crying at my keyboard...trying so hard not to give in and be taken by the grief...

My Neko Girl...

My Neko girl had to go to another forever family yesterday. I cried off and on for 3 days. Too many changes, too many losses...Too many changes...I can't take much more...

a truth shared by a friend today:

"It is obvious that humans are imperfect, but if your attitude is to constantly criticize them it's not at all constructive. You should ask yourself whether you are merely wanting to give vent to your discontent and exasperation or whether you really wish to help them. To help someone, you have to be constructive, and so you have to address what is best in them, show them you see their qualities (everyone has at least one) and appeal to these. You elicit their sense of self-esteem, and they try not to let you down; this is how you get them to improve.

Do not think you can get people to improve by endlessly stressing their imperfections, by calling them useless, dishonest or liars, for if you do they will no longer make any effort. Since you have already made up your mind about them, why would they bother?"

Omraam Mikhaël Aïvanhov

My vision from GOD

given in 1999...I thought I had put this in my blog before, but evidently I had not:

Danny had one of those lives you wouldn't trade yours for, for love NOR money. His childhood made my childhood pale by comparison. And adulthood hadn't been that kind to him either. He'd married, had one son, and his wife had run off with his son. He hadn't been able to see the boy very often after that. On the night in question, he had just found out that his son (now 14) had died and been buried two weeks prior to him being notified...he should NOT have been at work this night, but he thought it would help him keep his mind off of things. Maybe, but he was also (as well he should be) distracted, so his performance that night was off. He kept making mistakes he normally would not be making. Our team lead was on his case all night over the mistakes. And then, toward the end of the night, he took him to task in front of several staff members, one of whom was me.

As I was standing there, watching him be "taken to task", all I could think of was his anguish over his son. He didn't say a single word during the tongue lashing, just stood there looking kind of sad and broken. And during this time I saw a light shine down on Danny, and then his chest rolled back and I could see his heart (well, a heart, but it looked crystal, blue and red)...his heart had many cracks in it from hurts in his life. It even had small chunks out of it as if parts had broken off from major hurts in his life. And then I heard a voice that said: "Be careful of the heart of man, you never know when YOUR words will break it."

This vision would come to revolutionize the way I saw people. It began to change me even that very night, but it didn't work it's way totally through my being for a couple of years. And, so, I just wanted to share this vision I was given, in case you needed to hear it too...

A blog I forgot to pull in from around the web...

Last night I dreamed of a long forgotten place
High upon a hill with the cool wind in my face
And the air was clean and clear,
and I could see for miles around

And in my heart, I knew I had come home
And in my soul there was a peace I'd never known
And so I laid my claim to this sacred place I'd found
And I stand the middle ground....

I stand the middle ground
"Lyrics by: Rik Emmett - Album/Song: Absolutely / Middle Ground"

Doorways in life...

We spend our lives looking for the "doors" in our lives...

Talking, walking, school, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, college, engagement, job, marriage, home ownership, children...on and on ad nauseam...thinking each new "door" will bring us closer to that door above all doors: Happiness.

However, we rarely stop & catch our breath between each door...to be sure we even wanted to go through that one or the next one, to be sure we are done where we are before we walk through that other door...

Do we ever just rest in the room we are in, content with what we have/where we are/who we are?

Let us learn to rest in the now...

Great Hymn...

O God of Every Nation

William W. Reid Jr.

O God of every nation, of every race and land,
redeem your whole creation with your almighty hand;
where hate and fear divide us, and bitter threats are hurled,
in love and mercy guide us, and heal our strife-torn world.

From search for wealth and power and scorn of truth and right,
from trust in bombs that shower destruction through the night,
from pride of race and station and blindness to your way,
deliver every nation, eternal God, we pray.

Lord, strengthen all who labor that all may find release
from fear of rattling saber, from dread of war's increase;
when hope and courage falter, Lord, let your voice be heard;
with faith that none can alter, your servants undergird.

Keep bright in us the vision of days when war shall cease,
when hatred and division give way to love and peace,
till dawns the morning glorious when truth and justice reign,
and Christ shall rule victorious o'er all the world's domain.

During World War II, William W. Reid, Jr. (1923-2007) served in the medical corps of the U.S. Army, spending eight months as a prisoner of war. Bill was a Methodist minister whose life was marked by his work for social justice and on behalf of the imprisoned and impoverished.

Source: The United Methodist Hymnal