The Musings of a MysticBlueRose

Santa and my inner child...

2011-12-28T17:41:00.000-08:00

I’ve had to have several talks with my inner child lately…at my new work a woman has seemed to focus on my weirdness (weird childhood) and my unusual perceptions of things. This has caused me to be hurt once (almost to tears) and to examine the perceptions of my childhood that created me.

One thing I have realized in this is that the “kind” of childhood I had probably doesn’t happen anymore. Three is no one I have to protect…except the little girl I once was…

It began with a discussion of food. Several of our classmates had gone for sushi so the room was discussing food. I mentioned I don’t eat sushi (or seafood for that matter) and the discussion was off. We went from that to favorite foods in general and in our childhood. Cheesecake came up…I mentioned I hadn’t eaten cheesecake or lasagna till I was 32. The room was shocked. Surely, they said, SOMEONE near me as a child ate/served/had cheesecake? I told them no. That no one I had known as a child had ever offered me cheesecake, although I had read the word in a book as a child BUT the only cheese I had ever seen as a child was Tilamook mild cheddar, so in my mind, the thought of cheese and cake being anything yummy was not possible. The woman said that if she had known me when I was a little girl, she’d have laughed her head off at me for that concept. That was my first discussion with my inner child, and the one that almost brought me to tears.

The second discussion with my inner child happened because of a conversation in CC3 just before Christmas. It was about Santa. And this conversation reminded me of one of the more painful of my childhood memories…

My mother was not very trustworthy when I was a child. She lied to us about many really important things. So when I found out about the Easter bunny, I was DISGUSTED that she would lie to me, yet again, and about something so utterly stupid. I tell you this to set the stage. When one doesn’t trust the very person who is supposed to care for them, it warps them. I always knew my childhood had warped me in some ways, but some of the ways it reaches out in my NOW are very subtle…

So, back to Santa. It had to have been the Christmas before I turned 12. That would have made my brother 7. It was Christmas Eve and my mother was drunk and not conscious/coherent in her room. I had torn the house apart looking for the goodies for my brother’s stocking and the presents from Santa to put under the tree for him. I couldn’t find them. (Turned out they were in her room, but I wasn’t allowed in there). I sat up all night knowing that disaster was coming at dawn…my brother got up and came to the living room where there no presents for him from Santa and nothing in his stocking. He turned his huge blue eyes on me crying and said, “I must have been a really bad boy this year.” It is one of two times in my childhood that I contemplated murder. And it put the whole Santa story in a HORRIFIC light in my memories. I swore (you know those promises you make yourself when you are too young to recognize the future repercussions) that I would NEVER lie to my children, especially about Santa Claus.

Not that I didn’t tell them about St Nicholas, and the whole Santa myth. I did tell them the stories. But I never let them believe that some strange man at the North Pole brought them presents.

Seriously people, think about this. A STRANGER (we teach our children NEVER to take gifts from strangers) who stalks our child throughout the year (he KNOWS when you’ve been naughty or nice) breaks into our home on Christmas Eve (he doesn’t have a key AND he’s a freaking stranger) and leaves presents for our child!!!! How can we teach our children this?

Add to this that the first 2 churches I belonged to as an adult, were conservative AND the 2^nd one was right-wing-fundamentalist (and they didn’t allow you to teach your child the lie of Santa either) and you can understand that my children knew who brought every gift, there were no gifts from strange men in red suits. And when I was in my right-wing-fundamentalist group, I didn’t stick out like a freak of nature.

But now? Now people want to know how my children ENDURED being DENIED the Santa story when other children around them were allowed to believe, and how I hindered their imagination by not allowing them to believe in Santa. NOW I’m considered a freak of nature IN A CHRISTIAN CHATROOM. I was floored, since the Christians I knew in my right-wing-fundamentalist stage agreed that lying to your kid about Santa would make them doubt what you taught them about Christ.

So, what do you think? Am I a freak? Am I warped and twisted? Or am I just a parent trying to do the best I could with what I knew?

Oh…and we haven’t even TOUCHED on why I didn’t read my children fairy tales!!!

Thoughts on unity and compassion...

2011-12-28T17:08:00.000-08:00

Thinking of the New Year: 2012. Some think it’s the end of the world (as we know it?)…others think the end of an age/era/epoch. Who knows? No one does till we reach that 12/21/12 date! LOL

We can look ahead to that date with FEAR & trepidation OR we can choose to look ahead with JOY & anticipation. I’m going to choose to look ahead with joyful anticipation!

The thought remains though: What if this was the last year of life you had to live?

What would you do differently, if anything, if this was the last year of your life? Would you fight those petty fights? Probably not! Would you make amends often? Hopefully so…

There is so much brokenness in the world. Broken hurting people everywhere, longing to be whole. If we could all see that about one another & reach out in compassion. The world would be a calmer, better, more loving place.

THINK Compassion

LIVE Compassion

BE the Compassion you seek to see in the world!!!

Compassion is not pity or condescension. It’s the “knowing” that there but for grace go I. In any time, in any place, that could be me. I am the same. We are the same. We are all the Human Family.

Some people fear the concept of “one world/one people”. They feel it is bad/satanic. The cling to their boundaries (nation/state/city) & divisions (race/creed/color). We humans seem to thrive on division, much to our detriment.

Superfluous...

2011-11-18T19:47:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt superfluous? Totally and utterly useless? I feel that way sometimes, and I just finished an 8 week temporary position that reinforced that uncomfortable feeling within me. So...I wanted to do something useful. Know what I mean?

The husband went to Texas to his father's retirement party and I spent the week finishing up unpacking/sorting stuff I had let go too long. I was pleased that I finally finished that, but it wasn't enough.

The first week the husband was back was my week between jobs. My temporary position ended on 11/11/11 and my new position doesn't start until 11/21/11. I set some goals for this week off...yeah, ME...setting goals!!!! OMG, and the world didn't even come to an end!!! Go figure...

I decided I was going to get my hands on a hand sander and refinish the top of the kitchen table I inherited from a friend. She had had it on her covered patio, and when we moved into this house, table-less, she gave it to me. I don't know if the top of the table had been white like the legs are, but she had spray painted the top purple.

At first I had decided simply to Spackle the deep gouges and then to repaint the table cobalt blue, my favorite color. But then I found a set of chairs on Craigslist. They were all wood. And suddenly the goal was clear: Sand the top, stain the top, seal the top and repaint the legs. So I did!!!

Monday I sanded the top of the table. It took 4 hours counting breaks because the vibrations numbed my hands and wrists. There was purple dust EVERYWHERE!!!! (It's winter, so I did this indoors, much to my chagrin...breathing purple dust sucks).

Tuesday morning I went to Lowes after researching stain online. I had wanted Minwax stain in Natural, but they didn't have that. The lightest color they had was Maple, so I bought that and a cheap painbrush. I put 2 coats of stain on the table letting it dry 6 hours in between.

Wednesday the husband was home sick, so I decided NOT to polyurethane and went to a friends for a few hours instead.

Thursday morning I went to Lowes after researching sealing Minwax stain and got a can of Minwax Polyurethane sealant. I put 2 coats of the sealant on the table, allowing 6 hours to dry in between. I was rather disturbed that this sealant didn't "finish" like I thought it would. But I got over it.

Today I stopped at Lowes (why didn't I do this all at once, you ask? I dunno) and got a quart of paint. I didn't know how much I would need...so I gambled on a quart. It was WAY too much. Oh well, live and learn. I got eggshell, which is just off from white, because it was on sale for $10 less than the other whites. I was happy.

I came home and painted the bottom edges and legs of the table. Waited a few hours and put on another coat. Waited a few hours, flipped the table and put on a final coat of the polyurethane sealant. VIOLA!!!! Done. Whew.

Then I fixed the toilet tissue fixture that fell apart, fixed the towel rack in the downstairs basement that fell apart, and hung the blue shelf and sconces in my room.

EVERTHING I set out to do before starting my new job: DONE!!! WOOHOO!!!! I can set goals and accomplish them!!! I am not as useless as life sometimes makes me feel!!! It's an amazing feeling. Now I know how people get so goal oriented: They want the accomplishment payoff!!!

Who should/shouldn't be allowed to parent?

2011-11-10T19:37:00.000-08:00

Someone said this to me recently, but truly, I've heard this repeated over and over my whole life, so I thought I'd state the thought and then ask the question that makes us all follow this to the logical conclusion. So, the statement is this:

You have to have a license to drive but anybody can be a parent.

So, the question is this:

Assuming they decided to license parenthood, what standards should be set? What tests should be given? How would YOU decide who is/isn't "fit to be a parent"????

Training the heart/mind

2011-10-25T18:50:00.000-07:00

I'm working on training the heart/mind to see and seek out the positive within me and to bring it to my mouth/mind...heart & mind (inner) to mouth & mind (outer). Seeing the negative and recognizing it without allowing it to seep into the heart/mind...

Standing on positivity in the face of a negative onlaught...makes it difficult to be positive at all. Be the positive you want to see in the world! Become Joy. Breathe Joy. Radiate Joy.

God is the energy, the love, the light, the indwelling, infusing Joy...or contentment. I cannot seem to manage joy...

From my October 21st, 2011 Journal Entry

2011-10-21T16:05:00.000-07:00

Thinking again of: "If you can't say anything POSITIVE, don't say anything at all"...how do I train my mind/mouth to make this connection and put it into action?

I think this will require a mental overhaul/mind rewiring/rerouting! Internal positive focus...

Acceptance is passive, not a positive focus. Just sitting back & allowing life to wash over you is not positive focus. The river of life eddies and flows and often RUSHES over/around me and mostly I simply allow it. So this analogy is how I deal with life pretty much all the time now. This ins not a very interactive/proactive way to live. It mostly works for me, but perhaps, is why life often feels like it's not working for me?

Some people have life goals and a life map of how they intend to get there. These people have a chart or a list of mini-goals set up along their life way.

I've never really been "goal-oriented" in my life. Except for my goal to have children, I really didn't set any goals in my life! Even in that one goal: have children, I didn't take into consideration that to achieve that goal, I'd probably have to find a husband and get married. LOL

I "wanted to be" or "desired to be" a librarian, for example, but did not have/make a plan & life washed me along and instead I went to Kinman and became an office admin and had those children.

Then a new relationship flowed into my life and I switched streams, had another 2 children and continued to let life wash me along.

It is this mindset, I think, that makes it difficult for me to follow through in ANY field of endeavor. I am GREAT at wanting/desiring to achieve goals, but I am LOUSY at follow-up/follow-through!

This is part of what hinders me from keeping a clean house. I start out great guns, but a week or a month or a year later, I slack off. This is why I've been doing dishes the MINUTE I get home so I don't let the house/kitchen slide one day! It would disrupt the flow of diligence! And, I'm hoping this "learning diligence" that I'm working on in the house will help me be diligent in other areas (like health/eating/exercise).

SO...if the goal is only speaking positives: HOW would I structure goals for my mind to get from here ----------------------------> to there?

Focus thoughts on positive things. Find positive things to meditate on. Gratitude journalling again.

Maybe I want to be consumed/obsessed/driven...at least with focusing on the positive. Hmmm, search for...seek out...find the positive in every situation...

GOD = Love = Positivity & uplifting encouragement & is life sustaining...Hard to grasp when you see GOD as mind/energy? Maybe not.

The energy of GOD supports & sustains every living thing positively in love. The air we breathe = positivity. The earth we live on = positivity. The water we drink = positivity. All from the mind/energy of GOD.

So to meditate on positivity and love is to meditate on GOD.

So then, another question, can a person be focused and laid back? Driven/committed and at peace? Loving, kind, compassionate, accepting WHILE being focused on the positive in life/self/others/world?

From My October 20th, 2011 Journal Entry

2011-10-21T15:46:00.000-07:00

Two people this week said that I am negative...something I thought I'd been working on, but maybe not.

Can I adopt: IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING POSITIVE, DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL as a personal motto? Knowing the negativity is creeping back in gives me the opportunity to examine my life. Am I what I think I am? What do I want to be? What do I want to be in life?

I want to be...loving, kind, accepting, compassionate, positive but realistic (is that possible?), charitable, smiling, joyful (seeking joy in life & relationships): inner joy -> out of innr joy will come joy in life & relationships. So, I think my inner work right now needs to be on inner joy...maybe go back to the Awakening Joy website or find a workbook on Inner Joy? Or look at St Joseph's for a workshop on finding joy?

What is Joy? I imagine that it is different for different people. Not sure. (From contentment comes joy? Not sure). I know that I feel more relaxed in the new house where we have more space, even though the first floor upkeep is requiring more diligence.

Seeking authentic, self-relevant joy is important. (My issue with having flat affect is an issue...) Am I capable of feeling highs/lows? I did cry when mom was dying. I can feel sadness/anger (and do, regularly). I need to track POSITIVE, up feelings, because there is where my lack of ability to feel seems to lie.

Joy...What is joy? How do I figure out what creates Joy within me?

Singing in worship...

Sitting by the river...

A cup of hot tea...

Baby laughter...

Hugs...

Sitting outside...

Journalling...

Going to coffee...

Watching a sunrise/sunset...

Reading a good book...

Watching a good movie/TV series...

Listening to music...

Walking in the woods, along the river...

Dinner at the table as a family...

Candlelight...

Showers...

An orderly home (oddly enough)...

What does joy feel like? "The emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation: 'She felt the Joy of seeing her son's success.' A state of happiness, of felicity." Sigh, maybe joy is to joyous of a word for what I'm seeking here. Maybe I should use contentment or peace? Quiet joy not extravagant joy?

Confessions of a Non-Neat Freak

2011-10-08T13:00:00.000-07:00

I have to confess…I am not a neat freak. I never have been. In fact, at one point in my life (and for a LONG time) I was a slob to the core…probably from the rebellion of my teen years (no I will NOT clean my room) to the rebellion within my 2^nd marriage (no I will NOT clean your house). Sigh.

So, slowly, I have gotten better. But I have a LONG way to go.

We just moved. We made a pact about the first floor (living/dining). It will be clean. People dropping in clean. Not cluttered with books and magazines (as I generally live).

So…I’m running around wondering HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS? How do neat freaks manage this? How is there enough time in any day to be THIS VIGILANT??? It’s exhausting. Will it ever get easier???? Will it ever become second nature?

This comes back to my general inability (in my life in many areas) to follow through. I get the concept of WANTING a clean house (or to exercise more or to lose a few pounds or whatever thing you wish to commit to long term). And I run at the concept with great gusto…I WANT to succeed, I am DETERMINED to succeed.

But I don’t.

Why is this? Why can’t I manage to follow-through with long term commitments (except for marriage to a degree). WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????? Help? Thoughts?

Expectations...

2011-05-08T00:18:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a night that you REALLY looked forward to...you planned, you saved money, you primped and wore the fanciest things (think proms or weddings) and NOTHING went the way you wanted it to? Tonight I had a flashback to high school dances where sometimes the illusion of a good time is totally destroyed...

But it's not just proms and weddings. It's anniversaries and other things where we set this expectation of "having a good time" and then we fall short of that good time and we are left feeling bereft.

And is it just we women who do this? Because I know, in my experience that it's we women who most often suffer the disappointment of a night gone not right...

I was reminded of this this weekend, and it was a very sad memory and remembering...

So, what is it? Are we expecting too much? Is it wrong to expect an evening/event we've scrimped and planned for to go the way we want it to? Can we, as humans, expect ANYTHING like this?

I find this goes back to my fairy tale/daydream theory. We see in our minds eye the evening as it should be, before it even happens. We vicariously live it before we actually live it. And in our minds eye, it's perfect. The guy opens the door...the music is perfect...we dance until we drop...

And then, it's really here...Can reality EVER stand up to fantasy? Of course not. So, how do we not set ourselves up for disappointment? Not dream? Not want that good time/fantasy night?

I don't know, to be honest. I'm just working my way through all of this fantasy vs. reality stuff without getting my guts shredded when life simply doesn't work the way we want it. I'm open to ideas!!!

Incandescent....

2011-04-24T16:40:00.000-07:00

I know this woman from our Celtic Celebrations...I'll call her Mary. I cannot remember the first day I laid eyes on this woman, but I can remember clearly thinking, this woman has a shining soul. I could see her light up the room by her very presence. And every time I've seen her since, I simply am drawn to be near her...to talk with her...to hear her talk.

She is also physically beautiful...but that is beside the point and that isn't what I see when I see her. Everything I see in her is internal...Except the exhaustion.

For this shiny soul is going through a hard patch. Her husband is very ill. She is coping and taking care as best she can, and you can see it's taking it's toll. Her eyes are always red rimmed and you can sense the exhaustion, but it's not enough to dim the light of her being.

I saw her again on Easter. She told us of her husband's health, he's been in the hospital 5 times since November, and of their hope he will get to come home today...and then she asked me how work is going.

And this is part of her shining...no matter how much her life is dragging her down or how tired she is, she always finds time to ask how someone else is...and to share a word with them.

The very first night we talked to each other, I told her funny stories about dentures (her husband was getting them) and she volunteered to be a reference on a job I was trying for with the county (she works for the county)...and that's sort of how she is with people.

And then, last night, after talking about her husband and how ill he has been and how worried she has been about him, and then listening to my description of work, she took me to another room to pray for me. TO PRAY FOR ME. To lay hands on me and to share that shiny soul of hers with me and I thought, I should be praying for YOU, not the other way around...but anyway, off we went and she prayed for me for my work and said she sees it as being sort of a ministry for me, which gave me a better focus for work, and I told her she needed to take care of herself before she breaks, at which point we hugged and she cried.

I was utterly overwhelmed by the honor of hugging this shiny being...and I just had to share her shininess with you...

Be careful what you wish for....

2011-04-10T16:53:00.000-07:00

Because you might get it...

I am facing a rough patch in my life and I'm struggling to remain focused on the positive...I am a recovering cynic and I slip back into that black abyss occasionally...

I cannot even talk about it because of the paranoia surrounding this issue in my life. But know that I need all the light and strength I can gather around myself to get through it.

Wow, that sounds dramatic...I don't mean for it to be that dramatic sounding. It's just that this is the second time since moving back to Spokane that I've faced this same issue and last time, I failed...it beat me.

I don't intend to be beaten this time. I intend to hold this person in all the light and love and forgiveness I know in the universe. I intend to triumph with light & good whereas last time I cowered in fear and tension. BUT, this is much easier to say in the quiet of my living room than it is to live out in the frantic pace of life.

So, I come to you, asking for your help, support, light, energy and prayers. And I thank you in advance for any support you are willing/able to give me.

We go onward...through the darkness...

Of cars and dreams and other things...

2011-04-01T20:33:00.001-07:00

2 years ago this summer (2009), our son, Sean, went in for his 3rd open heart surgery and my husband's work allowed us to use the car for the 2nd week he was in the hospital. We fell in love with the vehicle, not just because we hadn't owned a car for a year and a half, but because it's sleek, comfortable, a smooth ride and fits us all and groceries!!!

From then till now, we've been allowed to use the car almost every payday to go get groceries. And we've continued to appreciate the luxury of using it and the dream of owning it someday.

Well that dream came true this week...The husband's company decided to sell their cars, and we were allowed to buy the Subaru.

Along with the blessing of owning a vehicle, comes the responsibilities of car ownership...transferring the title, buying tires (because the studded ones are still on it and it's only 6 days till we have to have them off) and worrying about insurance.

I WANT to be elated. I want to relax into believing we can pull this off...but mostly? Mostly I'm worried....

The Library of Alexandria...

2011-03-27T11:00:00.000-07:00

Every so often, I run into a piece of history that I knew, sort of, but that I didn't know the "whole story" of.

I knew the Library of Alexandria existed and that it had been destroyed....and now I know how...

I watched a film last night on the city and culture that was Alexandria, that broke my heart. That a CHRISTIAN MOB would rush the library and destroy EVERYTHING was almost more than I could bear. It made me think of the horror I felt when the Muslims smashed he thousands of years old Buddhist statues.

But it was more than that. Not only did they destroy the library, they took a culture where women were respected and they plunged it back into the dark ages of oppression.

Hypatia was the daughter of Theon, who was her teacher and the last known mathematician associated with the Museum of Alexandria. She became head of the Platonist school at Alexandria in approximately 400. She taught MEN. This was her sin, well this and the fact that she wouldn't embrace Christianity. And she wouldn't embrace Christianity for many reasons, one of which was their oppression of women, their relegation of women to a second class citizen, one who could not teach. And for that she was killed.

In the movie it was kind of a romantic death, although we saw her dragged into the library and stripped naked. In the film, a man who was her slave, who had been in her school, smothers her so she isn't stoned to death. But the varying histories I've since read show that her death was so much more horrific. Some reports suggest she was flayed with ostraca (pot shards) and set ablaze while still alive, though other accounts suggest those actions happened after her death.

So many Christians have said to me that Christianity does not oppress women. That Christian history isn't that violent. But I know these are lies that one has to tell oneself to stay sane...I had to tell myself lies to remain in the right wing of fundamentalist Christianity in order to stay sane. And then one day, I simply couldn't do it anymore.

One thing I am believing because of our history, though, is that Islam could also grow up and grow through their violent tendencies given enough time. If we could do it, I believe they will do it also. I have to believe that to stay sane.

Our Exquisite 20th Anniversary Dinner

2011-01-21T20:06:00.000-08:00

Tonight Jon and I went out for our 20th anniversary dinner at Italia Trattoria, which is a new restaurant in Browne’s Addition. Jon had Grilled rack of wild boar with braised faro, delicate squash and huckleberry balsamic. I had Grilled washimi flatiron steak, with roasted sun chokes, potatoes, brussels sprouts and porcini butter (I did taste, but did not eat the roasted sun chokes w/Brussels sprouts). His drink was a Zenzero, mine was a Pomedrop. They were excellent.

For dessert, I had TIRAMISU for the first time in my life. It was OMG good, so much so that when the waitress asked me how I liked it, I found myself speechless!!! Jon had Affogato which is espresso poured over vanilla ice cream.

The décor and atmosphere was fabulous. Our waitress, Maggie, was fantastic...

All in all it was a tremendously fulfilling and glorious evening…

Oh, and on the way home we stopped at Tully’s and grabbed a vanilla latte.

The only bad part of the whole evening was the thin ice all over the sidewalks. It made it so dangerous to walk!!! But we survived!!!

Reposting: Bowl of Saki, January 8, by Hazrat Inayat Khan

2011-01-09T10:16:00.000-08:00

Bowl of Saki, January 8, by Hazrat Inayat Khan

Commentary by Pir-o-Murshid Inayat Khan:

The (limited) happiness of this world is something we cannot keep; it is just like the horizon - the nearer you go, the farther it goes. As soon as you get it, you see it is not the thing you wanted. That discontent continues its work till we have found and understood the manifestation of God, in which is hidden the Divine Spirit. God cannot be found in temples, for God is Love; and love does not live in temples, but in the heart of man, which is the temple of God. The true religion would be to recognize it is so and to tolerate, to forgive and to love each other.

There is a story told of Moses. One day he was passing through a farm, and he saw a peasant boy sitting quietly and talking to himself, saying, 'O God, I love you so; if I saw you here in these fields I would bring you soft bedding and delicious dishes to eat, I would take care that no wild animals could come near you. You are so dear to me, and I so long to see you; if you only knew how I love you I am sure you would appear to me!'

Moses heard this, and said, 'Young man, how dare you speak of God in this way? He is the formless God, and no wild beast or bird could injure Him who guards and protects all.' The young man bent his head sorrowfully and wept. Something was lost to him, and he felt most unhappy. And then a revelation came to Moses as a voice from within which said, 'Moses, what have you done? You have separated a sincere lover from Me. What does it matter what I am
called or how I am spoken to? Am I not in all forms?'

This story throws a great light on this question, and teaches that it is only the ignorant who accuse one another of a wrong conception of God. It teaches us how gentle we ought to be with the faith of another; as long as he has the spark of the love of God, this spark should be slowly blown upon so that the flame may rise; if not, that spark will be extinguished. How much the spiritual development of mankind in general depends upon a religious man! He can either spread the light or diminish it by forcing his belief on others.

Very often a person thinks that other people should believe in and worship his God. But everyone has his own conception of God, and this conception becomes the stepping-stone to the true ideal of God.

Nature teaches every soul to worship God in some way or other, and often provides that which is suitable for each. Those who want one law to govern all have lost sight of the spirit of their own religion. And it is in people who have not yet learned their own religion that such ideas are commonly found. Did they but know their own religion, how tolerant they would become, and
how free from any grudge against the religion of others!

A Yoga Journey...

2010-11-12T16:28:00.001-08:00

or, what happens when an overweight, asthmatic, inflexible 57 year old woman takes up Yoga...

I have to say, I've wanted to do Yoga practically from the moment I laid eyes on someone performing a posture. I thought, "Oh, yeah!!! That is for me."

But I procrastinated as I raised 6 children, thinking, I have time. And then, this year, it hit me. I DON'T have time. The time is now.

I watched a few youtube Yoga videos and thought...I will never master this. But never isn't usually a word that intimidates me, so I began a journey to find a DVD that I could use that didn't kill me. *grin*

I ended up with 3 that I felt I could manage and on August 21st I began...

I had just read a post on Spirituality that talked about 40 days...how it takes 40 days to set up a spiritual practice, to set up a habit, to establish a pattern, so my first Yoga became a 40 day challenge. I also took one day a week off of my Yoga, so as not to overtax myself.

My first 40 day challenge was a smashing success, physically. I lost 10 pounds, making this year's weight loss a total of 35 pounds, and I lost 4.5 inches overall. And I learned a few things about myself...

I learned I CAN get up at 5AM to do something. If you knew me very well, you'd know how truly crazy that thought is.

I learned that I have REALLY lost a great deal of flexibility in my life and that this Yoga stuff is truly challenging. I have since adopted a few props (2 yoga blocks and a strap) to help me when the going is too far for me to reach. LOL

Mostly I learned that I feel really different when I do Yoga, even when I don't feel, necessarily, like I'm getting that more flexible. I feel different at the core, where body stability begins (I think) and this changes my confidence level, how I walk, and how I feel overall. And it's a good feeling.

I have had body image issues all of my life, even before I knew what that meant. It has probably affected me on so many levels that I'm not even aware of, because I don't talk about it. I can't talk about it (except to one friend, just the other day and it was breathtakingly painful).

I took on this Yoga challenge in my life to try to help change how I feel physically, and how I feel, mentally, about my physicality. I don't know, yet, if I will succeed at this, but I do know I'm committed to continuing this Yoga challenge in my life until I regain some of what I have lost.

I am in a new, 60 day, challenge now, and I hope to make this a part of my life for always...

This touched me this morning...

2010-09-16T08:46:00.000-07:00

Trying to Be Thoughtful in the First Brights of Dawn

I am thinking, or trying to think, about all the
imponderables for which we have
no answers, yet endless interest all the
range of our lives, and it's

good for the head no doubt to undertake such
meditation; Mystery, after all,
is God's other name, and deserves our

consideration surely. But, but -
excuse me now, please; it's morning, heavenly bright,
and my irrepressible heart begs me to hurry on
into the next exquisite moment.

~ Mary Oliver ~

(Swan)

From an egroup I am on:

2010-09-14T09:19:00.001-07:00

The Fable of the Porcupines

It was the coldest winter ever - many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together.

This way they covered and protected themselves;

But the quills of each one wounded their closest companions even though they gave off heat to each other

After awhile they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen

So they had to make a choice:

Either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together

This way they learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by the close relationship with their companion

But the most important part of it, was the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

Moral of the story:

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but the best is when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

It's not always what you say...

2010-08-30T15:58:00.000-07:00

It's often how you say it...

I had an experience last week of being told something that really hurt me. But it wasn't what was said (which I had actually expected), it was how it was said to me. It amazes me that people in relationship say things in such hurtful ways, but there it is, leaving me emotionally frozen in time, not knowing which way to move, afraid to move any direction for fear of making it worse. I hate being frozen. Sigh.

Also, this isn't in just the hurtful moments, in the past few weeks it's happened in some more casual moments also. People that don't think and say things in hurtful or demeaning ways. Sometimes in front of friends, which makes it doubly humiliating and hurtful.

Just saying, be careful how you speak to people. If you care about them even a little.

I belong to an e-group:

2010-08-23T08:53:00.000-07:00

Where we set intentions for our week. I'm not that good at setting intentions, and rarely do. But this week I set an intention and wanted to share it because of accountability. The more people who know about my intention, the more likely there will be someone who asks about it, keeping me on track and honest...so here it is (I will also facebook/email this...talk about people watching your life):

I want to start/continue a yoga "practice" instead of this hit/miss stuff I've been doing. To that end I got up at 5:45AM (OMG early) and did my yoga with Leslie Sansone, which is a 20 minute workout that I can just barely handle on a work morning, it got me into the shower 9 minutes later than I normally get there, so not too bad on time. I am not sure if by "practice" I should do this daily, but since Ii am so bad about remembering if I skip a day, and because this is probably the most basic DVD I've ever seen (about 10 poses) I intend to do this every morning of my work week, and maybe one morning of the weekend taking Sunday off to rest the body. I've read that 40 days makes a practice with yoga, so we shall commit to that 40 days, which takes me to (I actually did this DVD on Saturday also, so will count from there) the first of October, at which point I expect to need a more challenging DVD, AND I expect to have to get up at least 15 minutes earlier than the 5:45AM I need for this DVD (sigh).

From Inward/Outward...

2010-08-20T10:22:00.000-07:00

GOD would kneel down:

St. Francis of Assisi

I think God might be a little prejudiced.
For once He asked me to join Him on a walk
through this world,

and we gazed into every heart on this earth,
and I noticed He lingered a bit longer
before any face that was
weeping,

and before any eyes that were
laughing.

And sometimes when we passed
a soul in worship

God too would kneel down.

I have come to learn: God
adores His creation.

Source: Love Poems From God, translated by Daniel Ladinsky

American vs Global Economy

2010-08-18T10:58:00.000-07:00

Part of a conversation we are having on an e-group I belong to:

As I peeled my orange this morning, I noticed it has a "grown in South America" sticker on it. Normally the oranges I eat say Florida. So, do I not eat the orange I brought because it came from outside the US? Of course not. I am eating it. It tastes like an orange.

The problems I see with this whole global vs American issue are multiple:

If we ONLY buy American, there will be much we cannot buy. America has lost her edge in the world. There is much we USED TO produce, but we do not produce anymore. I don't know how to bring production industry back to America, I'm not sure it can be done. And I know for sure that I don't have the power to cause industry to come back to us. Do you?

Secondly, the time is coming (thanks a LOT to Monsanto) when we won't be able to feed ourselves if we don't buy from (or maybe steal from) wherever we can. I just watched part of one of the scariest documentaries I've ever seen about how Monsanto GMO stuff blowing in the wind, blows into a farmers field and contaminates it, and lo and behold, Monsanto now owns your field because they have a patent on the GMO stuff. It doesn't matter HOW your field gets contaminated, it's considered patent infringement and you are prosecuted. I watched farmers dump TONS of seeds down the drains because they couldn't test every seed and be SURE that it wasn't contaminated. Generations of seed saving...GONE. In this documentary I heard the death knell of farmers who are trying to resist Monsanto. I'd like to go back in time and murder the idiot that allowed patenting of plant things. One of those hindsight is 20/20 moments.

Therefore, although I will buy American IF I can find American and IF I can afford American, I don't think we can save our economy this way. I don't think, in the great ocean that is the American economy, that it will be enough...sad to say...But I'd love to be proven wrong on this one, so add your thoughts/ideas in the comments!!!

Another GREAT blog on Christian Mysticism:

2010-08-17T09:46:00.001-07:00

Sunlight on Footworn Stairs in Assisi

In 2006, I went on a pilgrimage to Assisi, Italy to immerse myself in the life and teachings of St Francis of Assisi. It was a magical three weeks. Every morning during my stay, a mist enshrouded the city, and I felt like each well-worn stone yearned to speak of the sacred events it had witnessed over the millennia. It’s no wonder they call Assisi “a particle of paradise.”

A few days into the pilgrimage, a friend introduced me to an 80-year old, Catholic priest named Father Arcadius. Arcadius looked like an Old Testament prophet. He was dressed in a frayed and dusty cassock with a rope belt and sandals with soles made from recycled car tires. His grey beard had grown down to the middle of his chest, an explosion of white hair crowned his head, and his eyes were an arresting blue.

For years, Arcadius had been a hermit living in the Apennine Mountains until God called him to a ministry of walking across Europe and the Middle East to hear the confessions of pilgrims who were visiting shrines.

He estimated that over his thirty years of ministry he had clocked tens of thousands of miles on foot, carrying no money or extra clothing but relying on the charity of others to survive.

I spent several amazing hours sitting on the steps leading up to the Church of San Damiano speaking with Arcadius about my life with Jesus. At the end of our time, I asked for his blessing and for any final wisdom he could give me about how to move deeper into the heart of God. Without pause, he grabbed my forearms, gazed piercingly into my eyes, and said, “Become a mystic!” Not quite what I expected.

Drop the phrase word ‘Christian mysticism’into a conversation among a group of Jesus followers, especially among our more conservative brothers and sisters, and you will get a wide array of reactions. Some correlate it with New Age spirituality; others associate it with creepy psychic phenomena that have little to do with “normal” Christian life; others, however, will speak reverently about a transcendent experience of God that occurred in their past that made them wonder if for only one brief and beautiful moment they themselves were mystics.

So, what really makes someone a mystic? In the simplest sense, a mystic is someone who has a lived experience of Jesus in the power and presence of the Holy Spirit. They have experienced Jesus, and through contemplative prayer and meditation, continue to encounter Jesus in such a way that they gain a new perceptive appreciation for the urgent immediacy of God in all things. (This is but one of several thousand definitions of this term. Trust me, I will hear about it’s shortcomings!)

Contrary to what many think, however, these God-encounters are not always seismic events, like those experienced by St Francis and/or St Teresa of Avila. Catholic theologian Karl Rahner (a theologian we desperately need to revisit), would argue that these unmediated encounters with God are often so delicate and subtle that most people do not even know that what they have experienced is mystical in content.

So, let me take the “mist” out of the word mysticism; make it something less opaque and more accessible.

Have you ever found yourself inexplicably capable of forgiving someone who has deeply wounded you?

Have you ever been surprised by your ability to maintain a spirit of faith, hope and joy in the face of crushing circumstances or perhaps even in the face of unspeakable horror?

Have you ever spontaneously laughed out loud at the absurdity of life?

Have you ever felt overwhelmed by the sense that everything in your life is a gift?

Have you ever been given the gift “seeing the inner splendor” of something in creation?

Have you ever been stopped in your tracks by the sound of wind moving through a stand of trees or by the sight of a markless snowfield illuminated by moonlight?

Have you ever received the Eucharist and felt tears of gratitude well up from your soul?

If your answer is yes to some of these questions, then welcome to the fellowship of "everyday mystics", as Rahner would call them.

I do admit that some mystical encounters with God are more dramatic than others. Several years ago, a group of dear friends went on a hiking trip on a beautiful fall day with a friend who was in the early stages of dying from bone cancer. His gait was already becoming slow and unsteady, but he managed at one point to get ahead of us. As my friends emerged from a patch of undergrowth, they found our dying friend on his knees weeping, with hands raised in worship, before a single bush whose autumn leaves were aflame with breathtaking red and orange leaves. He had been graced with seeing that the “earth is crammed with God”, and these men who were witnesses to this moment were brought to silence.

Karl Rahner famously wrote that “the Christian of the future will either be a ‘mystic,’ one who has experienced ‘something,’ or he will cease to be anything at all.” I would like to be part of a conversation about how post-evangelicals/emergents might begin to think about articulating our own mystical theology (a required course in many Catholic, Orthodox and Anglican seminaries.) Without one, I believe our ability to help people who yearn to make contact with their own transcendality will be impaired.

PS: If you can, come to the Big Tent Christianity Conference in Raleigh, NC, September 8-9. Its going to be a time filled with rich conversations, and perhaps we’ll all experience the “urgent immediacy of Jesus” together.

(I originally published portions of this post in an article for the 2009 Catalyst Conference. It has since been updated and expanded on.)

Worship: The Mystical Wonder

2010-08-12T16:12:00.000-07:00

I read a book a long time ago about Mother Teresa. Somebody in the book asked her how she summoned the strength to love so many people. She said she loved people because they are Jesus, each one of them is Jesus, and this is true because it says so in the Bible. And it is also true that this idea contradicts the facts of reality: Everybody can’t be Jesus. There are many ideas within Christian spirituality that contradict the facts of reality as I understand them. A statement like this offends some Christians because they believe if aspects of their faith do not obey the facts of reality, they are not true. But I think there are all sorts of things our hearts believe that don’t make any sense to our heads. Love, for instance; we believe in love. Beauty. Jesus as God.

It comforts me to think that if we are created beings, the thing that created us would have to be greater than us, so much greater, in fact, that we would not be able to understand it. It would have to be greater than the facts of our reality, and so it would seem to us, looking out from within our reality, that it would contradict reason. But reason itself would suggest it would have to be greater than reality, or it would not be reasonable.

When we worship God we worship a Being our life experience does not give us the tools with which to understand. If we could, God would not inspire awe. Eternity, for example, is not something the human mind can understand. We may be able to wrap our heads around living forever (and we can do this only because none of us has experienced death), but can we understand what it means to have never been born? I only say this to illustrate that we, as Christians, believe things we cannot explain. And so does everybody else.

I have a friend who is a seminary student who criticizes certain Christian writers for embracing what he calls “mysticism.” I asked him if his statement meant that he was not a mystic. Of course not, he told me. I asked him if he believed that the Trinity represented three separate persons who are also one. He said he did. I asked him if that would be considered a mystical idea. He just stood there thinking. You cannot be a Christian without being a mystic.

I was talking to a homeless man at a laundry mat recently, and he said that when we reduce Christian spirituality to math we defile the Holy. I thought that was very beautiful and comforting because I have never been good at math. Many of our attempts to understand Christian faith have only cheapened it. I can no more understand the totality of God than the pancake I made for breakfast understands the complexity of me. The little we do understand, that grain of sand our minds are capable of grasping, those ideas such as God is good, God feels, God loves, God knows all, are enough to keep our hearts dwelling on His majesty and otherness forever.

Here is one of the coolest things I ever did: This past summer I made a point to catch sunsets. I would ride my motorcycle up Mount Tabor and sit on the steps of the reservoir to watch the sun put fire in the clouds that are always hanging over Portland. I never really wanted to make the trip; I would want to watch television or make a sandwich, but I made myself go. And once I got up there I always loved it. It always meant something to me to see beauty right there over my city.

My first sunset this year was the most spectacular. Forest fires in Washington State blew a light, nearly unnoticeable haze through Portland, and the clouds were just low enough to catch the full reflection of red and yellow. I thought to myself: This is something that happens all the time. From the ridge on Tabor where I planted myself, I could see the entire skyline, the home of more than a million people. On the most nights there were no more than two or three people there with me. All that beauty happens right above the heads of more than a million people who never notice it.

Here is what I’ve started thinking: All the wonder of God happens right above the heads of more than a million people who never notice it.

Here is what I’ve started thinking: All the wonder of God happens right above our arithmetic and formula. The more I climb outside my pat answers, the more invigorating the view, the more my heart enters into worship.

I love how the Gospels start, with John the Baptist eating bugs and baptizing people. The religious people stated getting baptized because it had become popular, and John yells at them and calls them snakes. He says the water won’t do anything for them; it will only get their snakeskins wet. But if they meant it, if they had faith that Jesus was coming and was real, then Jesus would ignite the kingdom life within them. I love that because for so long religion was my false gospel. But there was no magic in it, no wonder, no awe, no kingdom life burning in my chest. And when I get tempted by that same stupid Christian religion, I go back to the beginning of the Gospels and am comforted that there is something more than the emptiness of ritual. God will ignite the kingdom life within me, the Bible says. That’s mysticism. It isn’t a formula that I am figuring out. It is something God does.

One night I watched the sunset till the stars faded in and, while looking up, my mind, or my heart, I do not know which, realized how endless it all was. I laid myself down on some grass and reached my hand directly out toward where? I don’t know. There is no up and down. There has never been an up and down. Things like up and down were invented so as not to scare children, so as to reduce mystery to math. The truth is we do not know there is an end to material existence. It may go on forever, which is something the mind cannot understand.

My friend Jason and I went on a trip to Joshua Tree and Death Valley , and he had a map folded across his lap nearly the entire trip. Even when I was driving, he had the map out, following along with his finger the trajectory of the car, noting how close we were to certain towns, certain lakes. Jason liked to know where we were on the map (and so did I, as a matter of fact). But I was afraid to tell Jason about the universe, how scientists haven’t found the edge of it, of how nobody knows exactly where we are on the map.

I think we have two choices in the face of such big beauty: terror or awe. And this is precisely why we attempt to chart God, because we want to be able to predict Him, to dissect Him, to carry Him around in our dog and pony show. We are too proud to feel awe and two fearful to feel terror. We reduce Him to math so we don’t have to fear Him, and yet the Bible tells us fear is the appropriate response, that is the beginning of wisdom. Does this mean God is going to hurt us? No. But I stood on the edge of the Grand Canyon once, behind a railing, and though I was never going to fall off the edge, I feared the thought of it. It is that big of a place, that wonderful of a landscape.

I like that scene in the movie Dead Poets Society in which Mr. Keating, an English instructor at an elite preparatory school, asks his students to rip out the “introduction to Poetry” essay from their literature textbooks. The essayist had instructed students in a method of grading poems on a sliding scale, complete with the use of a grid, thus reducing art for the heart into arithmetic for the head. The students looked around at each other in confusion as their teacher dismissed the essay as rubbish and ordered them to rip these pages from their books. And at their teacher’s loud prodding, the students began to rip. Dr. Keating paced the aisle with a trash can and reminded the students that poetry is not algebra, not songs on American Bandstand that can be rated on a scale from one to ten, but rather they are pieces of art that plunge the depths of the heart to stir vigor in men and woo women.

Too much of our time is spent trying to chart God on a grid, and too little is spent allowing our hearts to feel awe. By reducing Christian spirituality to formula, we deprive our hearts of wonder.

When I think about the complexity of the Trinity, the three-in-one God, my mind cannot understand, but my heart feels wonder in abundant satisfaction. It is as though my heart, in the midst of its euphoria, is saying to my mind, There are things you cannot understand, and you must learn to live with this. Not only must you learn to live with this, you must learn to enjoy this.

I want to tell you something about me that you may see as weakness. I need wonder. I know that death is coming. I smell it in the wind, read it in the paper, watch it on television, and see it on the faces of the old. I need wonder to explain what is going to happen to me, what is going to happen to us when this thing is done, when our shift is over and our kids’ kids are still on the earth listening to their crazy rap music. I need something mysterious to happen after I die. I need to be somewhere else after I die, somewhere with God, somewhere that wouldn’t make any sense if it were explained to me right now.

At the end of the day, when I am lying in bed and I know the chances of any of our theology being exactly right are a million to one, I need to know that God has things figured out, that if my math is wrong we are still going to be okay. And wonder is that feeling we get when we let go of our silly answers, our mapped out rules that we want God to follow. I don’t think there is any better worship than wonder.

--Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz, Thomas Nelson, Inc., 2003

My Neko Girl is coming home...

2010-08-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

Sadly the mama is allergic and they are bringing her back to me!!!

I am sad for the little girls who have come to love her. But I am thrilled to have another chance at helping her adapt to our new living situation.

They sent me this photo of her at the lake.

Loneliness...

2010-07-27T15:10:00.001-07:00

I'm struggling with an emotion I don't remember ever experiencing before...loneliness. Oh, don't get me wrong, we moved a LOT when I was a kid and there were times I really missed some of the people we left behind, but this latest upheaval in my life has left me emotionally bereft and I find myself wandering around in a fog of such loneliness that my heart threatens to capsize in my inner being. And this feeling is complicated by the fact that I feel like I'm not supposed to/allowed to feel these feelings. So I hold them closely inside of me having no one to share them with. It becomes a black hole in my soul that threatens to eat me alive. So...I thought I'd write about it just a little, crying at my keyboard...trying so hard not to give in and be taken by the grief...

My Neko Girl...

2010-07-19T21:08:00.001-07:00

My Neko girl had to go to another forever family yesterday. I cried off and on for 3 days. Too many changes, too many losses...Too many changes...I can't take much more...

a truth shared by a friend today:

2010-07-18T17:18:00.001-07:00

"It is obvious that humans are imperfect, but if your attitude is to constantly criticize them it's not at all constructive. You should ask yourself whether you are merely wanting to give vent to your discontent and exasperation or whether you really wish to help them. To help someone, you have to be constructive, and so you have to address what is best in them, show them you see their qualities (everyone has at least one) and appeal to these. You elicit their sense of self-esteem, and they try not to let you down; this is how you get them to improve.

Do not think you can get people to improve by endlessly stressing their imperfections, by calling them useless, dishonest or liars, for if you do they will no longer make any effort. Since you have already made up your mind about them, why would they bother?"

Omraam Mikhaël Aïvanhov

My vision from GOD

2010-07-14T10:54:00.000-07:00

given in 1999...I thought I had put this in my blog before, but evidently I had not:

Danny had one of those lives you wouldn't trade yours for, for love NOR money. His childhood made my childhood pale by comparison. And adulthood hadn't been that kind to him either. He'd married, had one son, and his wife had run off with his son. He hadn't been able to see the boy very often after that. On the night in question, he had just found out that his son (now 14) had died and been buried two weeks prior to him being notified...he should NOT have been at work this night, but he thought it would help him keep his mind off of things. Maybe, but he was also (as well he should be) distracted, so his performance that night was off. He kept making mistakes he normally would not be making. Our team lead was on his case all night over the mistakes. And then, toward the end of the night, he took him to task in front of several staff members, one of whom was me.

As I was standing there, watching him be "taken to task", all I could think of was his anguish over his son. He didn't say a single word during the tongue lashing, just stood there looking kind of sad and broken. And during this time I saw a light shine down on Danny, and then his chest rolled back and I could see his heart (well, a heart, but it looked crystal, blue and red)...his heart had many cracks in it from hurts in his life. It even had small chunks out of it as if parts had broken off from major hurts in his life. And then I heard a voice that said: "Be careful of the heart of man, you never know when YOUR words will break it."

This vision would come to revolutionize the way I saw people. It began to change me even that very night, but it didn't work it's way totally through my being for a couple of years. And, so, I just wanted to share this vision I was given, in case you needed to hear it too...

A blog I forgot to pull in from around the web...

2010-07-14T10:24:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamed of a long forgotten place
High upon a hill with the cool wind in my face
And the air was clean and clear,
and I could see for miles around

And in my heart, I knew I had come home
And in my soul there was a peace I'd never known
And so I laid my claim to this sacred place I'd found
And I stand the middle ground....

I stand the middle ground
"Lyrics by: Rik Emmett - Album/Song: Absolutely / Middle Ground"

Doorways in life...

2010-07-05T16:34:00.000-07:00

We spend our lives looking for the "doors" in our lives...

Talking, walking, school, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, college, engagement, job, marriage, home ownership, children...on and on ad nauseam...thinking each new "door" will bring us closer to that door above all doors: Happiness.

However, we rarely stop & catch our breath between each door...to be sure we even wanted to go through that one or the next one, to be sure we are done where we are before we walk through that other door...

Do we ever just rest in the room we are in, content with what we have/where we are/who we are?

Let us learn to rest in the now...

Great Hymn...

2010-07-03T12:50:00.001-07:00

O God of Every Nation

William W. Reid Jr.

O God of every nation, of every race and land,
redeem your whole creation with your almighty hand;
where hate and fear divide us, and bitter threats are hurled,
in love and mercy guide us, and heal our strife-torn world.

From search for wealth and power and scorn of truth and right,
from trust in bombs that shower destruction through the night,
from pride of race and station and blindness to your way,
deliver every nation, eternal God, we pray.

Lord, strengthen all who labor that all may find release
from fear of rattling saber, from dread of war's increase;
when hope and courage falter, Lord, let your voice be heard;
with faith that none can alter, your servants undergird.

Keep bright in us the vision of days when war shall cease,
when hatred and division give way to love and peace,
till dawns the morning glorious when truth and justice reign,
and Christ shall rule victorious o'er all the world's domain.

During World War II, William W. Reid, Jr. (1923-2007) served in the medical corps of the U.S. Army, spending eight months as a prisoner of war. Bill was a Methodist minister whose life was marked by his work for social justice and on behalf of the imprisoned and impoverished.

Source: The United Methodist Hymnal

This weekend was our family reunion...

2010-06-28T16:28:00.000-07:00

Nothing too spectacular about that, except that cars broke down and people who don't normally ride the bus ended up on the bus with me, such as Jeremy, Tamara and their baby Wyatt...but that isn't what I want to talk about today... There was this couple on the bus, obviously mentally challenged. They had waited for the bus with us, with their bikes, and they ended up sitting right behind me. For about 30 minutes I got to listen to their interactions.

They were fascinated by Wyatt. They thought he was adorable, and told my son and his wife that a couple of times. And then they talked about him between themselves. And the conversation was fascinating and poignant, and it is this I want to share with you...

They talked about children, how they had always wanted children, but how the medications the wife is on for her mental issues would have been damaging to the baby, so they had decided not to risk it. They spoke of how they had longed for a son and a daughter. And then, they brought tears to my eyes when they said that GOD knew how much they longed for a baby, so they were sure that when they get to heaven, GOD is going to put them to work in the heavenly daycare taking care of all the babies. They spoke of how much care they would give these little babies and I just sat there, in tears.

Now, I know that theologically, someone would want to challenge this dream of theirs, but I just sat, absorbing their dream and wishing it for them. And then the woman said to the man, could you rub my knee? He reached over and patted her knee. No, she said, rub, not pat. So he started rubbing her knee, back and forth. And she sighed and said, thank you, your touch always makes me feel so much better. At that point I was almost sobbing.

The love and simplicity these two were displaying (albeit quietly) was just so amazing that I was overwhelmed by it. I don't know this couples name, I probably never will, but they made a spiritual impact on me this weekend, and made me think of the concept of simple faith.

You see, I don't have simple faith...I question, poke, prod, challenge and probe every theological concept. But these two spoke and breathed simple, loving faith, and on that ride, I envied them...

I saw this picture...

2010-06-25T23:26:00.003-07:00

and it so expressed the sea of emotions I've been experiencing in the last few weeks, that I had to save it and share it!!!

Music sometimes lifts us...

2010-06-14T08:21:00.000-07:00

And sometimes body-slams us. While packing this past week, this song came up on my MP3 player and I was singing along...until I got to the chorus...at that point I collapsed against the wall, sobbing uncontrollably...

Unspoken Love by Kim Hill

I wonder how many husbands and wives

Cry themselves to sleep tonight

Wishing for the world that they could just reach out across the bed...

And hold each other the way they used to do

And whisper sleepy “I love yous”

Oh but most just turn out the light and let it go unsaid

How many love songs never get sung

How many sweet thoughts die on the tip of the tongue

Victims of unspoken love

Tell me How many lonely people there are

Left holding the pieces of a broken heart

Tokens of unspoken love

In his dreams he dances until dawn

But she never even notices he’s gone

She’s lost in a novel somewhere off the southern coast of France

And in the morning she watches as he pulls away

He almost turns around, she almost shouts “Please stay home today!”

Oh, but neither takes the chance

How many love songs never get sung

How many sweet thoughts die on the tip of the tongue

Victims of unspoken love

Tell me How many lonely people there are

Left holding the pieces of a broken heart

Tokens of unspoken love

Today's talk in Church...

2010-06-06T15:51:00.001-07:00

Was on a passage of Scripture that I am brutally familiar with...Matthew 18:15-17

¹⁵"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. ¹⁶But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' ¹⁷If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

When I was "found in sin" in the Baptist church I was attending at that time in my life, this is the Biblically justified Scripture they used to "handle me & my sin". First I was called to meet with a brother in the church, not knowing there would be another brother there. Then I was told to come meet with an Elder of my church, not knowing there would be 15 elders and a few of my friends there. Then I was asked to leave the church until I "got my life together".

Today's sermon showed this scripture to me in a totally new light. No one in today's sermon hid that there would be other people at meetings. Joe told us to first go to a person one-on-one. If that didn't work it out, ASK if you can bring in another person to help/mediate. If that doesn't work out, ASK the person you are working things through with to meet with others in the church. No one is shanghaied or surprised by the "others". It's a cooperative venture.

But the shocking part to me was the end. He spoke about the fact that Christ freely admitted that things wouldn't always work out between people. Even after speaking to them one-on-one, bringing a brother/sister to mediate and even after bringing it to the church in a private meeting. So, then, what does one do? We: "treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector".

Then, Joe shocked my socks off...He asked: And how did Christ treat pagans or tax collectors? And the answer is: With utmost respect and forgiveness!!! You don't throw them out or shun them. You treat them as you would an unbeliever who needs the saving Grace of GOD!!!!

I was STUNNED, you see, because that is what I had believed that Scripture meant...at least BEFORE I was kicked out of the church. I was thrilled to know that another Christian saw this scripture the way I had. That at our worst in behavior is when we need our brothers/sisters in the Lord the absolute most, and that to throw them out into the street simply isn't the Christian way to deal with them.

Thanks, Joe.

Reposting Richard Rohr's Daily Meditation

2010-05-23T10:35:00.000-07:00

FOLLOWING THE MYSTICS

On a first level I see mystical moments as moments of enlargement. Suddenly you’re bigger. You don’t feel a need to condemn, exclude, divide or separate. Secondarily, mysticism is a deep experience of connectedness or union. Unfortunately, most of us were sent on private paths of perfection which none of us could achieve.

The path of union is different than the path of perfection. Perfection gives the impression that by effort or more knowing I can achieve wholeness separate from God, from anyone else, or from connection to the whole. It appeals to our individualism and our ego.

It’s amazing how much of Christian history sent us on a self-defeating course toward private perfection. As a result, many people just gave up—even many clergy and religious— when they saw it never worked. They ended up practical agnostics or practical atheists. They keep up the form, keep up the words, they keep going to church, but there is no longer the inner desire and expectation that is possible with the path of union. Mysticism does not defeat the soul; moralism does.

Adapted from: Following the Mystics Through the Narrow Gate

Mantra: Fall into the Love of GOD

Reposted from the Beyond Blue Blog...

2010-05-20T11:50:00.000-07:00

A Spiritual Journey to Mental Health by Therese J Borchard:

Posted on Wednesday May 19, 2010

Don't take anything personally.

That's the second agreement of Don Miguel Ruiz's classic, The Four Agreements.I need a reminder today. So I open his book to that chapter and read: Whatever happens around you, don't take it personally...Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.

Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds...Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators, the black magicians. They can hook you easily with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up....

But if you do not take it personally, you are immune in the middle of hell. Immunity in the middle of hell is the gift of this agreement.

I'm not there yet. I am way too sensitive and way too vulnerable to the opinions of others. Where I HAVE made progress the last month is that I no longer read articles from a website that published material that upset me too consistently. I took a hiatus from that site. I also go through the equivalent of the FDA security process at the airport whenever I open a book. "Is this going to make me feel worse?" I ask myself, and if I can't answer the question, or I find myself nodding, then I put it on the shelf to read when I reach a more resilient place.

But what I CAN'T control are the opinions of the people that I'll run into during the day, those who haven't managed a severe mood disorder and try to convince me that acupuncture, meditation, and yoga cure absolutely every illness. Or those that say the way I run my house is wrong because nothing is usually organized. I can't control those situations.

So I sit down and try to soak in as much of Ruiz's message that will penetrate the gray matter of my brain. He writes: Even the opinions you have about yourself are not necessarily true; therefore you don't need to take whatever you hear in your own mind personally...Don't take anything personally because by taking things personally you set yourself up to suffer for nothing....When we really see other people as they are without taking it personally, we can never be hurt by what they say or do. Even if others lie to you, it is okay. They are lying to you because they are afraid.

There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally. You become immune to black magicians, and no spell can affect you regardless of how strong it may be. The whole world can gossip about you, and if you don't take it personally you are immune. Someone can intentionally send emotional poison, and if you don't take it personally, you will not eat it. When you don't take the emotional poison, it becomes even worse in the sender, but not in you.

As you make a habit of not taking anything personally, you won't need to place your trust in what others do or say. You will only need to trust yourself to make responsible choices. You are never responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for you. When you truly understand this, and refuse to take things personally, you can hardly be hurt by the careless comments or actions of others.

If you keep this agreement, you can travel around the world with your heart completely open and no one can hurt you. You can say, "I love you," without fear of being ridiculed or rejected. You can ask for what you need.

From Inward/Outward...

2010-05-14T10:40:00.000-07:00

A Project of the Church of the Savior (it touched me as I am also 57):

At Fifty-Seven

Mark Nepo

I feel like I stumbled
down a hill of years, only
to land in a pile of my books.

Along the way, I cracked
like a Russian doll; finding
something smaller and more
essential inside every version
I've known as me.

And now, when all I know
bursts into flame each time
I try to give it away, I'm asked
what matters.

There's something perfect
in how we're worn; like sculptures
left for Spirit and wind to finish, the
film taken from our eye just as
our heart is exposed, one
crumbling into the other.

Source: Unknown

Minister Says Everyone is Born Again...

2010-05-10T14:23:00.000-07:00

Bible Teacher Claims Christianity Misrepresents the Gospel

PR Log (Press Release) – May 09, 2010 – Augusta , GA – For years, a preacher who grew up in the Baptist church and appeared on television shows like the 700 Club taught people they had to accept Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and savior to receive the gift of salvation and to be “born again.” His name is Mike Williams, a Bible teacher who has appeared with well known evangelicals as Pat Robertson and the late John Osteen, father of Joel Osteen. Williams now preaches what he calls the “True Gospel.” Williams says the phrase “born again is taken out of context by traditional Christianity.” "Born again" is only found in the Gospel of John and I Peter in the New Testament. According to Williams, all people were "born again" through the accomplishment of Jesus Christ as a direct result of his death and resurrection. Just as all human beings fell into sin through the action of Adam, all people are found righteous by God through the act of who the Bible describes as the "last Adam", Jesus himself. This, of course, flies in direct conflict with traditional Christian theology. Nonetheless, Williams persists. “The Gospel is completely misdiagnosed by orthodox and evangelical Christianity alike,” says Williams. He is far from being alone in this declaration. According to Williams, the New Testament refers to a Gospel of grace and peace. There are many individuals, groups and concepts such as “Universalism” that make the claim that all people are redeemed through Jesus Christ. This is a major departure from the Christian tenet which states that one must believe in Jesus Christ or fear eternal damnation. Williams does not call himself a “Universalist,” but says the claim that all are universally redeemed is true and his teaching, using the Bible exclusively, explains why. "The word Gospel in the Bible is translated 'good news'. And if there's one thing I know is that there is no bad news in the good news,” says Williams. "Traditional Christianity tends to speak of grace, which is the gift of God without requirements, but it tries to bind that unconditional gift to some moral code. This is completely contradictory to grace." according to Williams. Williams says it is common in Christianity for individuals and denominations to develop entire doctrines by linking disparate Bible verses from various books to support their doctrines. Although he also teaches from the Bible, Williams consistently keeps verses in the context of chapters and chapters in the context of entire books of the Bible, which draws a much different picture than that presented by the Christian religion. According to Williams, Christianity likes to base an entire doctrine or belief on a verse or two taken out of context to which he replies, “I see your verse and raise you a chapter.”

THE TRUE CENTER...by Kokichi Kurosaki

2010-05-09T10:13:00.001-07:00

Posted by Annie D. in an E-group I belong to:

The center of Christianity is neither institution nor organization. Nor is it even the Bible itself, as the reformers made it, for the Ekklesia existed before the formation of the New Testament canon. Christians were in fellowship with God and one another, centering their faith in Christ, long before there was any accepted New Testament.

There is only one center of Christianity, and this center is spiritual fellowship with God through Christ - life union with God in Christ. When there is this koinonia, there is the Body of Christ, the Ekklesia. Where there is no koinonia with God there is no Ekklesia, because the life-union is lacking. Though there be many excellent clerical personages, many elegant church buildings, many scholarly dogmas and creeds, if there is no koinonia with God and Christ there can be no Ekklesia at all. On the other hand, if there is this koinonia with God and Christ, the Ekklesia exists - we need pay no attention to the differences of creeds, institutions and rituals, but by loving one another can be one in Christ.

(Kokichi Kurosaki is a Japanese Christian, author of "Let's Return to Christian Unity", the first in a two part series, and the second, "Church Unity and How to Get There")

Loved this by Nouwen

2010-05-05T09:16:00.000-07:00

Loved Unconditionally

Henri J. M. Nouwen

If you come in touch with that first love you will discover not only that you are loved unconditionally, but that the One who loves you unconditionally loves all of humanity unconditionally, with that same all-embracing love. And the fact that God loves you so intimately and personally does not mean that God loves anyone else less or differently. Uniquely, yes. But whether they are Nicaraguans or Russians, people from Afghanistan or Iran or South Africa, they all belong to the house of God.

And therefore, when you enter into intimate communion with the God of the first love, you will find yourself in intimate communion with all the people of God, because the heart of God is the heart that embraces the whole of humanity. That's why intimacy with God always means solidarity with the people of God. To put it more precisely: God pitched a tent among us and took on our flesh so that there is no human flesh that has not been accepted by God.

Source: The Road to Peace

On a Franciscan e-group I belong to...

2010-05-04T11:26:00.000-07:00

We have been discussing the new Arizona immigration law (are we asking the right questions like: how do we deal with this/how do we react to the law) and one of the participants in the conversation posted this today and I just wanted to share it and get some feedback from others:

I've been avoiding jumping into this conversation, but I think I'm going to just...not debate anything or argue with anyone, but just state a position as far to one side of the spectrum as I can go, and let it be part of the soup. Sometimes I find myself rationally pondering the U.S. immigration issue; and then I say to myself, "Wait a minute...what I really believe has nothing to do with these rational and practical considerations." So here's what I believe at the bottom of my very best heart.

Nations and their boundaries are an utterly human concoction, a development of our tendency to self-centeredness and sin, and are in no way, shape, or form part of the divine reality and divine goal for the human race revealed in Jesus Christ. God did not create a world of nations. Jesus did not die and rise for this or that nation. The church from its very beginning knew no national boundaries, welcomed people of all nations, and has been and is a trans-national body owing allegiance to no nation on earth. A Christian is a member of the human race whose allegiance to God through Jesus Christ is untainted by allegiance to any human entity. A truly Christian response (you can tell a truly Christian action because it has a fair chance of being fatal) ... a truly Christian response to immigration would be to stand at any border anywhere on earth, and lean across it and say, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

I believe I'll stop there. That sounds sufficiently breath-taking in its arrogance and naivete -- or, perhaps, sufficiently childlike in its simple-minded devotion to the One who made, redeemed, and cherishes all human life, and all creation. Again, this is not meant to be an argument against anyone else's position. I doubt that I think and act consistently with this myself all the time (another test, in my own mind, for when something is true!). I'm just putting it out there.

Peace and blessing,

David R.

My Father's Obituary from Pahrump, NV

2010-04-29T14:57:00.000-07:00

James A. Lyles

James Alfred Lyles, 79, passed away April 19, 2010 at Nathan Adelson Hospice.

He was born July 21, 1930, in Everett, Wash.

He served in the military for both the Navy and the Air Force for over 20 years. He then retired from the Spokane Postal Service in 1985.

Surviving are his wife of 54 years, Mary; daughters, Sharon, Debra, Dorothy and Donna; sisters, Joan and Julia; brother, Duke (Doyle); 10 grandchildren and several great-grandchildren.

Services will be at 1 p.m. April 29, at Pahrump Family Mortuary, Pastor Ron Fairbairn, of Nathan Adelson Hospice, officiating.

Flowers and donations may be made to Nathan Adelson Hospice. (04/19/2010)

A Final Update on My Father...

2010-04-19T09:55:00.000-07:00

Some of you have known me long enough, or knew my dad, and I
really should call you, not email you. But I found that I
couldn't bear saying the words over and over again. Right
now I'm numb. But the storm is coming...

My father, James Alfred Lyles, died this morning at 5:28AM.
He was sedated and peaceful and surrounded by 2 of his four
daughters and his wife of 55 years...

I think in music much of the time when happy/sad, and this
is the song that came to mind this morning as my sister
told me dad had died (with a few word changed to fit the situation)...

Why does the sun go on shining?
Why does the sea rush to shore?
Don't they know it's the end of the world,
`cause you don't live here anymore?

Why do the birds go on singing?
Why do the stars glow above?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
It ended when I lost my dad.

I wake up in the morning and I wonder why ev'rything's the same as
it was.
I can't understand, no I can't understand, how life goes on the
way it does!

Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
It ended when you left this earth.

(kind of an oldie, I know)

I am home from work today. I was awake from 2:35AM on and I don't think sleep is going to get any easier anytime soon...

I hope to emotionally get to this song...but I'm not there yet:

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Confession and Repentance of a former Hell Teaching Pastor

2010-04-16T13:16:00.000-07:00

An Open Letter to My Former Parishioners

I am so very sorry. I hear the pain in your hearts when you tearfully admit you have a hard time believing God could love you. I now realize I bear a good bit of the responsibility for it. Some of the things I taught and did when I was your pastor harmed you and were a great disservice to the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Early on I simply didn’t know any better. I taught you what I had been taught. I was the product of a form of Christianity that has dominated for so long—an institutionalized, clergy led, power preserving perversion of what Jesus intended for his followers. It’s true I had not done the critical research for myself. But, after all, who was I to question what my instructors said was the correct way to believe and “do” church?

When life experiences and personal Bible study exposed some cracks in my rigid doctrinal foundation, I began to suspect there was more to knowing God than I knew. But I deviated little from the denominational tradition in which I was trained and continued to teach things of which I was no longer convinced. It was too important for me to preserve my good standing and keep my denominational star on the rise.

We claimed our mission was to save lost souls from hell by getting them to “make a decision for Christ” and become one of us. More candidly, we were mostly focused on growing the church. By means of sermons and programs of all sorts, I pressured you to try harder. I exhorted you to demonstrate “deeper commitment” to God and the church. I called upon you to be “faithful” and give more money. I taught you that if you wanted to please God you would have to strive to be a better church member. In a thousand different ways I made you think you were still lacking in God’s eyes.

No, I wasn’t mean about it. I usually did it with a smile. I found entertaining ways to say it. Nonetheless, speaking on behalf of God, I made it clear I expected more from you and so did He. No matter how hard you tried I had to keep you motivated and centered in the church. I needed you to fill your seat and bring someone else along to fill an empty one. The church (and I) had bills to pay.

The outcome for so many of you has been learning almost nothing about the abundant life Jesus promised. You live in constant doubt that God could ever be pleased with you. The abundant life is simply not compatible with constantly worrying we might be disappointing God. I taught you he was ready to banish to eternal torment everyone who didn’t find his or her way into his grace. Trying to measure up was why we did most things. Guilt and shame was really the glue that held us together.

Most of our time was spent striving to earn favors from God by praying more, reading the Bible more, doing more in the church and “witnessing” more. I never taught you how to live in the knowledge God unreservedly loves us because of Jesus.

Our church environment was a chronic breeding ground for hypocrisy. We played comparison games and excluded ourselves from anyone who sinned differently than we did. We were hard on each other whenever one of us failed. We thought it was our duty to keep each other in line and maintain impossible standards of “holiness”. We occupied ourselves with debates about whether Christians should dance, go to movies, use alcohol, sleep in on Sunday and miss going to church, wear certain types of clothes, or listen to certain types of music. We quarreled over Bible translations, hymnals, sound system volume and carpet colors. Conformity to group standards was a very high value, as was compliance to membership policies and the pastor’s authority. In the name of maintaining order I rebuked and “disciplined” those who did not comply.

When I began to realize the magnitude of God’s grace through Jesus Christ. I kept it to myself. Not until I was off the church payroll was I willing to declare in no uncertain terms, “that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:19 NIV). And, because of this, our mission is to go lovingly into the world around us with liberating good news rather than with preachy judgment pressure people to withdraw with us into our own little subculture.

My constant prayer for you today is that our merciful Heavenly Father will undo the damage I caused in your spiritual development. I pray that God will make himself known to you as the essence of love that he is. Should our paths cross again, think only of me as a fellow traveler—no title, no pedestal, please. And, remember, God loves us and will never give up on us. He has included all of us in his grace through Jesus Christ and never has a single condemning thought toward us, ever. Be at peace.

Repentantly yours,

(Name withheld)

Separation is a funny thing...

2010-04-15T13:39:00.001-07:00

You don't realize, until you are in the midst of preparing for it, which triggers will cause sadness and tears. For me it was place mats. I was going through our place mats, the ones for fall, for Christmas, for all those special "family" occasions, to give away on Freecycle. I sat and rubbed them and cried for 20 minutes.

Today? Today it's the Tardis. Husband and I had just re-watched "The Silence in the Library" Dr. Who episode, where River Song has a leather journal that looks like the Tardis. In it she seems to keep all her "knowings of" and "doings with" The Doctor (who hasn't met her yet in this episode, so she cannot share said knowings/doings...she calls them "spoilers").

All of a sudden I wanted one, so I googled it and sure enough there are leather facsimiles out there if you can afford them. I can't at the moment, so I decided to draw the Tardis on the back of my new journal. I think I did a splendid job, so I took a photo of my drawing and went to send it to all my friends...starting with my husband...and there's where the sadness took me over again...because, see? Most of my friends wouldn't know what a Tardis was in the first place, let alone understand why I was possessed to draw one on my journal. Only husband. I am bereft...

Reposting from a friend of a friend's blog:

2010-04-07T13:32:00.000-07:00

In case you feel called/led to help them with their international adoption:

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The art of fundraising

I have yet to learn this art. I must admit that I am very discouraged right now. Somewhere deep deep down I feel that God wants us to adopt Freddie, I feel it in every nerve and bone in my body, everything in our lives has pointed us here except for one HUGE area, the finances! I have tried so many ways to raise the funds and it just isn't happening and meanwhile a little boy is sitting on the other side of the world not realizing, not knowing that someone in this world DOES want him, that someone DOES love him and desires to hold him and give him a home.

I guess this is my way of begging or pleading with all of you that have ever read my blog. This is a need we have RIGHT NOW. Freddie needs a family, we heard that call to be his family and we NEED your help to make it happen. I may not know you and you may not know me, but that's OK, I haven't met Freddie yet and I know what I am supposed to do. I pray to God that he will provide us with the resources to complete this adoption and not leave Freddie over there an orphan any longer. I've experienced first hand what bringing home one of God's forgotten angels is like and we are so grateful that He has called us to do it again. What an honor to be trusted with so many of God's little angels, I don't know why He has trusted me so much, but He has, and I am so appreciative of that trust He has in me.

But, that brings us back to fundraising. Fundraising is all about numbers. Not just dollar signs (though that is the POINT of fundraising, LOL), but it's about the number of people that are aware. Now, I'm not naive, I know my blog following is much smaller than some others, but here is my effort to get the word out. If you are reading my blog (that's you!!!) and you post about the puzzle fundraiser on your blog and LINK back to me, you will earn a puzzle piece (leave me a comment linking me to your post and tell me what name you want on your piece...leave it in THIS posting). So, go, spread the word. Make your blog follows aware of Freddie's need, of our need.

Thank you all!!

In the ongoing, and ever-widening conversation with my friend...

2010-03-25T09:35:00.000-07:00

So, the question then becomes this: Can you trust/worship a being that sends my grandmother to hell, simply because she didn’t necessarily believe the right way, say the right prayer, go to the right church…and not just MY grandmother, but other grandmothers/mothers/fathers/children who didn’t believe exactly right but were good, moral, decent, loving, kind, compassionate people? Would a loving Father/Mother GOD do this to people? Would we, who only parent in a lesser way than GOD, do this to our own children? No, we would not. So how could GOD, who is the best, most loving parent in the world? Some say because he is just. Is sending grandmothers to hell just or fair? No. It isn’t. That is why GOD made a way FOR ALL PEOPLE. As I said to my friend, if there is a hell at all, it’s redemptive. It takes the worst of us and burns the bad out of us. I think of Hell as the very heart of GOD. Where the love shines so intensely, the compassion and healing are so clear, that any “sin”, any “bad”, any “wrongness” left in a person is literally burned out by the glory/light of the love of GOD. And we come out the other side, all shiny and new, healed and clean, loving and compassionate. Some of us get there in this life. Some of us are so hurt, so broken by things in the world that we don’t. For those, there is the cleansing/healing/loving heart of GOD.

Conversation I had with my friend via emal:

2010-03-24T10:11:00.000-07:00

First, I need you to know that I no longer see the Bible as inerrant or GOD channeled. I see the Bible as man's attempts to explain the world and the way they thought GOD interacted with them and they with GOD. If I actually had to believe in the GOD of the Old Testament, I'd be an atheist. I could never worship a GOD who was that schizophrenic, kind one moment, murderous the next. A GOD who promoted and committed genocide. A GOD worse than any terrorist we've ever known. I now see the Bible as a primer. A starter book for coming to know about GOD, but it's not where we should "stay" in our faith/in our relationship with GOD. We need to step out of/past the Bible and into direct relationship with GOD through the Holy Spirit. Less law, more relationship/grace. This is a piece I wrote on my blog on grace:

I spend time in Yahoo's Christian chat rooms. I have since about 2001. My theology has meta-morphed a great deal since then and because of this I find myself sometimes having to define "grace" as I have come to see it, to more legalistic believers. I have to tell you, it's like trying to explain rain to someone who has never experienced it. Their standard quip is that Grace only would leave us lawless and in chaos. This is a total misunderstanding of Grace. Once you have the concept of a loving, compassionate, forgiving GOD internalized, you find that you don't want/need to step outside of grace out of natural response to the loving GOD, not because some Damocles ruler is about to smack you on the head/hand/heart. When you FINALLY "get" the concept of love GOD/love others, it becomes a natural extension of who you are (in your heart/mind) and is no longer a response to an external set of rules. But they don't get the "you don't WANT to hurt/lie/steal/rob/abuse" part! So I wanted to share this piece that was shared on an E-list I'm on:

As one of the [UU] denomination’s many itinerant clergy, he [Hosea Ballou] was riding the circuit in the New Hampshire hills with a Baptist preacher one afternoon. They argued theology as they traveled. At one point, the Baptist looked over and said, “Brother Ballou, if I were a Universalist and feared not the fires of hell, I could hit you over the head, steal your horse and saddle, and ride away, and I’d still go to heaven.” Hosea Ballou looked over at him and said, “If you were a Universalist, the idea would never occur to you.” ~ told by the Rev. Elizabeth Strong

http://www.uuworld.org/ideas/articles/2745.shtm

THIS is Grace in action, Grace lived out in our life. That our heart is so profoundly changed that the concept of doing wrong no longer even naturally occurs to us...May we all be found walking the road of Grace

Now on to hell... Our concept of Hell is much different than that held by the people of Christ's time. Hell didn't become this place of endless torture until much later in the Christianity game. I'm not sure I EVER believed in Hell as a place of ETERNAL TORMENT. Think about that...GOD, our eternal parent, who taught us to love our enemies as ourselves, is going to send BILLIONS of people to Hell to be tormented FOR ALL ETERNITY? And we get to watch and rejoice? No thank you.

IF there is a Hell, it is redemptive, because GOD is all about redemption. Like the potter and pot in the kiln or the jeweler and the ore in the smelter, all about burning away the imperfections and coming out on the other side whole, perfected, healed and one with GOD. In Adam all man died. In Christ all man lives. Losing BILLIONS of people isn't ALL and it isn't living. IT'S UTTER FAILURE. GOD doesn't fail. He set us up, he set up the world, and he set it up so GOD WINS. GOD wins because EVERY SINGLE SOUL WILL FIND REDEMPTION IN HIM. Yes, Hitler. Yes, Jeffrey Dahlmer. They will come to see how broken they were and find complete healing and forgiveness in the Father who created them and who loves them enough to send his Son to die for them. Who is all about the prodigals. And the world is full of prodigals. I know that for some, this loving GOD doesn't work. Life conditions us to believe that GOD will be "fair" by HUMAN standards. But his standards are not our standards. And he wins. Hands down, 100% totally wins. Anything else would be a victory for evil. And that just wouldn't work with the GOD of the universe. People who have been severely used and abused by life have trouble with a Grace-enough-to-save-us-all GOD also. We want retribution (we call it justice) and we WANT people to suffer like we did. But every person who has harmed another person in this life, was once harmed by another. Abusers are not born. They are created by another person. GOD could never hold that against someone for all eternity. He would KNOW their story and love them in spite of their pain no matter how they acted out on it. And he would KNOW how to heal them to be exactly right, perfect, whole and healthy. Anyway, I know that you will probably never see GOD like I do. This saddens me, but I've come to recognize that some people cannot or will not. And that's OK. I have the right to see GOD the way GOD reveals himself to me. And you have the right to see GOD how he reveals himself to you.

AND I know that this doesn't have to affect our friendship either, cuz we have never agreed on all things anyway.

Reposted from the Beyond Blue Blog...

2010-03-19T08:38:00.000-07:00

which is a blog on depression that I follow. This story touched me today because of an ongoing struggle in my life, and how this struggle has come to cause me to, again, struggle with a depression that threatens to capsize me...and this story helped me today to see that what I see as an ongoing struggle just might be something that could grow into 100 ft. tall bamboo...

The Fern and the Bamboo
Posted: 18 Mar 2010 08:00 AM PDT

Because I'm needing some extra encouragement and inspiration these days, I thought I'd publish this lovely parable that my guardian angel Ann sent me awhile back.
One day I decided to quit...I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality.... I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.
"God", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"
His answer surprised me. "Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"
"Yes", I replied.
"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. "In the second year the fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.
"In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit. The same in year four.
"Then in the fifth year, a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared to the fern, it was seemingly small and insignificant. But just six months later, the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall. It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle.
"Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots? I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you.
"Don't compare yourself to others." He said. "The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the forest beautiful.
"Your time will come", God said to me. "You will rise high."
"How high should I rise?" I asked.
"How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return.
"As high as it can?" I questioned.
"Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can."
I left the forest, realizing that God will never give up on me. And He will never give up on you. Never regret a day in your life. Good days give you happiness; bad days give you experiences; both are essential to life.

~Author Unknown

Grace...

2010-03-15T11:38:00.000-07:00

I spend time in Yahoo's Christian chat rooms. I have since about 2001. My theology has meta-morphed a great deal since then and because of this I find myself sometimes having to define "grace" as I have come to see it, to more legalistic believers. I have to tell you, it's like trying to explain rain to someone who has never experienced it. Their standard quip is that Grace only would leave us lawless and in chaos. This is a total misunderstanding of Grace. Once you have the concept of a loving, compassionate, forgiving GOD internalized, you find that you don't want/need to step outside of grace out of natural response to the loving GOD, not because some Damocles ruler is about to smack you on the head/hand/heart. When you FINALLY "get" the concept of love GOD/love others, it becomes a natural extension of who you are (in your heart/mind) and is no longer a response to an external set of rules. But they don't get the "you don't WANT to hurt/lie/steal/rob/abuse" part! So I wanted to share this piece that was shared on an E-list I'm on:

http://www.uuworld.org/ideas/articles/2745.shtm

Emotion...

2010-03-09T12:52:00.000-08:00

Born in the heart it EXPLODES upwards to the brain... drips downward through the eyes crying so many tears... running down through the throat taking your voice dead away circling back again to the heart radiating out to the fingertips making them numb...down from the heart into the legs... making them feel like dead weights causing every joint and muscle to ache in a downward spiral of exhaustion. Finally running through you and into the ground...Once again you can move and breathe. Still hearing/feeling the echo...

!!!Make a Difference!!!

2010-03-02T15:11:00.000-08:00

You Make A Difference

A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in High School by telling them the difference each of them had made. She called each student to the front of the class, one at a time. First, she told each of them how they had made a difference to her, and the class. Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon, imprinted with gold letters, which read, "Who I Am Makes a Difference."

Afterwards, the teacher decided to do a class project, to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a Community. She gave each of the students three more blue ribbons, and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony. Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom, and report back to the class in a week.

One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby Company, and honored him for helping him with his career planning. He gave him a blue ribbon, and put it on his shirt. Then he gave him two extra ribbons and said, "We're doing a class project on recognition, and we'd like for you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person, to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going. Then please report back to me and tell me what happened."

Later that day, the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow. He sat his boss down, and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius. The boss seemed very surprised. The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon, and would he give him permission to put it on him. His surprised boss said, "Well, sure." The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss's jacket, above his heart.

As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said, "Would you take this extra ribbon, and pass it on by honoring somebody else. The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school, and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people."

That night, the boss came home to his 14-year-old son, and sat him down. He said, "The most incredible thing happened to me today. I was in my office, and one of the junior executives came in and told me he admired me, and gave me a blue ribbon for being a creative genius. Imagine! He thinks I'm a creative genius! Then he put this blue ribbon that says, "Who I Am Makes a Difference", on my jacket above my heart. He gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to honor.

As I was driving home tonight, I started thinking about whom I would honor with this ribbon, and I thought about you. I want to honor you. My days are really hectic and when I come home, I don't pay a lot of attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you for not getting good enough grades in school, and for your bedroom being a mess. But somehow tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just let you know that you do make a difference to me. Besides your mother, you are the most important person in my life. You're a great kid, and I love you!"

The startled boy started to sob and sob, and he couldn't stop crying. His whole body shook. He looked up at his father and said through his tears, "Dad, earlier tonight I sat in my room and wrote a letter to you and Mom, explaining why I had killed myself, and I asked you to forgive me. I was going to commit suicide tonight after you were asleep. I just didn't think that you cared at all. The letter is upstairs. I don't think I need it after all." His father walked upstairs and found a heartfelt letter full of anguish and pain.

The boss went back to work a changed man. He was no longer a grouch, but made sure to let all of his employees know that they made a difference. The junior executive helped several other young people with career planning, and never forgot to let them know that they made a difference in his life..... one being the boss' son.

And the young boy and his classmates learned a valuable lesson, "Who you are DOES make a difference".

You are under no obligation to pass this on to anyone....... not to two people, or to two hundred. As far as I am concerned, you can forget it and move on. On the other hand, if you want, you could send it to all of the people who mean something to you, or send it to the one, two, or three people who mean the most. Or, just smile and know that someone thinks that you are important, or you wouldn't have received this in the first place.

Who you are does make a difference, and I wanted you to know that.

Isn't this a wonderful story? I'm passing the blue ribbon to you, for who YOU are does make a difference, too!

Heard this in Gregorian Chant and had to share....

2010-02-28T19:52:00.000-08:00

My Immortal lyrics

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrKI6YVbRic&feature=fvw

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me, me, me

© DWIGHT FRYE MUSIC INC; FORTHEFALLEN PUBLISHING; ZOMBIES ATE MY PUBLISHING;

Good thoughts...

2010-02-25T15:37:00.000-08:00

From the Simple Dollar Blog:

Today Is the Day

Posted: 22 Feb 2010 12:00 PM PST

Today is the day to tell your wife that you love her.
Today is the day to call your mother and chat with her for an hour.
Today is the day to send your dad a note.
Today is the day to get in touch with that friend you haven’t talked to in a while.
Today is the day to call up a special person and set up a date.
Today is the day to stop by your grandmother’s house with a sack full of groceries and make dinner for her.
Today is the day to visit that old family friend who helped you so much when you were younger.

Not Valentine’s Day. Not Mother’s Day. Not Father’s Day. Not someone’s birthday. Not Christmas.

The value a person has in your life is never really shown on a “special” day marked on a calendar and observed with a greeting card and a slickly-wrapped present. It’s shown with a few minutes (or an hour or two) of your time on a day when they don’t expect it. On a day when they’re merely in your thoughts.

Build those relationships now before the chance is gone.
Build those relationships now and they’ll pay dividends for the rest of your life.
Build those relationships now so that you can have someone to always share every exciting moment and success in your life with.
Build those relationships now when times are good so they’ll still be there when the times are bad.

I’m stopping right now so you can take the few moments you might have spent reading a longer post to instead do something to build a valuable relationship in your life, because it will often be those very relationships that are there for you when the chips are down.

Sadness...

2010-02-25T13:53:00.001-08:00

Sadness has become my underlying emotion lately.
Like a fog, it surrounds and permeates.
Like being in the dark, you grope around praying you find your way through.
You do not SEEK sadness, you do not WANT sadness, but there it is anyway.
You want it to go away
You scream, you plead, you pray, you weep...
Alas, it's still there each time you awake.
And lately, even in my dreams...

You decide not to be sad
You read books on how not to be sad...
You find it isn't that simple.
Not like a switch once turned on you turn off.
I guess I'll just have to wait it out,
knowing that there is sunshine out there...
somewhere...
even for me.
I hope.

Tuesday Simple Woman's Daybook Entry....

2010-02-17T09:59:00.000-08:00

Outside my window…33.1 degrees...Light gray skies, the aftermath of a rainy weekend.

I am thinking…about how impacting the book "Dance of the Dissident Daughter" was in my life, and seeing how the impact is spreading...and loving it!!!

I am thankful for…no fighting with the hubby so far this week...

From the kitchen…hamburgers last night, smothered in cheese...

I am wearing…black slacks, black socks and shoes, navy blue polo top and a tan sweater.

I am creating…or, seeking to align with…peace, every time I don’t retaliate, don’t defend, don’t resent, don’t escalate...this is my highest goal.

I am going…to continue in growth, in prayer, in reading, in improving...

I am hoping… that my father remains strong as he approaches death. And that I remain strong as my father approaches death.

I am hearing… some kind of machine out in the shop rumbling away.

Around the house… Getting ready for our move this summer, thinking of what to Freecycle, what to pack, sorting through things in my head.

One of my favorite things … Being able to walk well again, with so much less pain.

A few plans for the rest of the week: Husband's birthday is tomorrow, picking up a cake and some ice cream, maybe something nice to serve. Son is coming from the valley and bringing his girlfriend. Will be interesting.

Here is picture thought I am sharing… picture is attached at the top...I found this Russian Doll photo when researching the fact that Sue Monk Kidd used a Russian Nesting Doll image as a "mother" image. Because blue roses are so special to me, I, of course, had to have this one. I'm having a print made to hang in my altar area.

Unchained Melody

2010-02-15T12:34:00.000-08:00

by the Righteous Brothers

Oh, my love
my darling
I've hungered for your touch
a long lonely time
and time goes by so slowly
and time can do so much
are you still mine?
I need your love
I need your love
Godspeed your love to me

Lonely rivers flow to the sea,
to the sea
to the open arms of the sea
lonely rivers sigh 'wait for me, wait for me'
I'll be coming home wait for me

Oh, my love
my darling
I've hungered for your touch
a long lonely time
and time goes by so slowly
and time can do so much
are you still mine?
I need your love
I need your love
Godspeed your love to me

Mindlessness vs Mindfulness

2010-02-04T14:56:00.000-08:00

I was farming on Facebook today: click, click, click, click...harvesting each little square of my farm when I had this thought: Oh my God, this is so mindless.

Mindlessness: a. Marked by a lack of mind or consciousness b(1) Marked by displaying no use of the powers of the intellect (2) Requiring little attention or thought; especially: not intellectually challenging or stimulating

This is opposite of the life I am seeking: A mindful life!!!

Mindful: (1) Bearing in mind: AWARE (2) Inclined to be aware

Aware: (1) archaic: Watchful, Wary (2) Having or showing realization, perception or knowledge

Can I live a mindful life whilst spending so much of my "free-time" doing utterly mindless stuff? Good question...

So, my challenge for this week is to be AWARE, to keep track of how much time I spend in mindlessness...Maybe I'll make this part of my Lenten observance...seeking out mindlessness in my life...What do you think?

The Simple Woman's Daybook For Today...

2010-02-04T10:26:00.000-08:00

FOR TODAY

February 4, 2010...

Outside my window....it's sunny and partly cloudy. Sunshine is so welcome after the dark grayness of winter...
I am thinking...about my marriage...
I am thankful for... some sunlight. It helps lift my depression to a degree. I'm thankful for friends, for family, for online contacts...
I am learning... to let go of my stuff. This decluttering process can be painful, but ultimately brings peace.
From the kitchen...tonight I'll be making Rice-a-Roni with ground beef in it. Bland but filling.
I am wearing...v-necked navy blue polo shirt, black jeans, black socks, black shoes.
I am creating... nothing at the moment. I'm between creative spurts.
I am going...to church with my son and daughter-in-law this coming Sunday.
I am reading...When the Heart Waits: Spiritual Direction for Life's Sacred Questions by Sue Monk Kidd. I'm on a Sue Monk Kidd kick, I just finished The Secret Life of Bees and before that Traveling With Pomegranates.
I am hoping... that my life crawls out of the pit it seems to have fallen into.
I am hearing...so many people committing to compassion in their daily lives. It's heartening.
Around the house...I"m looking towards the move this summer and starting to declutter in my head, hoping to get it out into working on the house soon.
One of my favorite things...is my computer. It keeps me in touch with people all over the world.
A few plans for the rest of the week: Seeing Wyatt this weekend.
Here is picture for thought I am sharing...This is so how I feel inside lately, like the slightest comment will start me crying...this is the pit out of which I need to climb...

In honor of my becoming a grandmother...

2010-02-03T11:08:00.000-08:00

How To Be A Fantastic Grandparent

Photo courtesy of Chemophilic.

Post written by Sherri Kruger. Follow me on Twitter.

Being a grandparent sounds easy doesn’t it? Popping in for a visit every now and again, having a good play, bending the rules and at the end of it all you get to leave and go home to quiet and order.

But there is a fine line between parenting, which you are likely very familiar with, and grand parenting. There are new expectations and boundaries that come with grandparent status. I was blessed with 4 very loving grandparents who, in my eyes, did fantastically well in their role. They were always encouraging, loving and fun.

I am proud of the grandparents my children have. Grand parenting seems to come naturally to my parents and my in-laws. So what makes a fantastic grandparent? I’ll share with you some of the qualities I’ve seen in my own grandparents as well as my parents and in-laws that have made them fantastic grandparents in my eyes.

1. Respect the rules. You are no longer in charge of making the rules – relief right? But you do need to respect the ones set out by your children. The “if you’re in my house you play by my rules” doesn’t work so well. Doing this can cause confusion for your grandchildren and tension with their parents. If they aren’t allowed to do something like cross the street or go outside by themselves then respect that. But you are grandparents so to spoil the little ones is to be expected. So let them have an extra cookie or a soft drink with dinner. Let them stay up and watch TV a bit later than usual or read them 5 stories before they go to sleep. Bending the small rules is okay.

2. Join in the fun. Get silly and have fun with your grand kids. Some of my fondest memories of my grandparents are from when we were completely silly. Sliding and swinging at the park, flying kites, playing dress up, and ice skating. It’s one thing to simply take your grand kids to the park and something entirely different to get in on the action. Plan tea parties, get out some old clothes and play dress up, pitch a tent in the living room and have a picnic lunch, play tag in the park. The possibilities are only limited to your imagination.

3. Be a mentor. As if by default, you, as a grandparent, are the coolest person on the planet. In a kids eyes you are wiser, nicer, and more patient than mom and dad. You can take this opportunity to build a special relationship with your grandchild. Take on and embrace the role of mentor. Teach your grand kids to do things that their parents can’t, don’t have time to, or lack an interest in. Show them how to make a kite from scratch and then fly it in the backyard. Teach them how to plan a garden and plant flowers accordingly. Build a bird feeder or toy box. There are a lot of projects you can do together that are fun and interesting.

4. Stay connected. A fantastic relationship with your grand kids won’t just fall into your lap, you do need to put effort in. Spend quality time with them. If you live close by take the opportunity to visit your grand kids frequently. If you don’t live close enough for frequent visits pick up the phone or set up a web cam. One of my fondest memories I have with my gran is exchanging hand written letters as a way to keep in touch while my husband and I were living in Australia. We also spoke on the phone but it’s the hand written letters that are especially memorable.

5. Share stories. You are the family historian. Your life so far is full of interesting stories of days gone by. Share them. Recount your tales of walking 10 miles to school, through 4 feet of snow, uphill both ways. Let them know what life was like before the Internet, cell phones and MP3 players. Share stories of when their mom or dad were little and what funny things they did. If you feel up to it capture these stories and some family history on paper. Keep notes on important family names and dates, significant holidays or special events. This way your grand kids will have something to look back at when their memory of the stories begin to fade.

6. Love them. This is the by far the most important thing you can do to be a fantastic grandparent. Show your grand kids you love them. Hugs, kisses, piggy back rides, long walks pulling them in the wagon, and never missing a chance to tell them you love them. Show an interest in what they are currently interested in – sports, hobbies or TV shows. Showing love and building a caring relationship goes a lot farther than any material gift you can give them.

From what I can tell being a grandparent is an amazing experience. It takes a bit of effort on your part to make it work but the relationships you create are certainly worth it – not only for you but for your grand kids as well.

What other qualities are found in fantastic grandparents? I have a feeling I’ve only scratched the surface.

http://www.zenfamilyhabits.net/2009/12/how-to-be-a-fantastic-grandparent/

I wanted to share a story from my early parenting years...

2010-01-27T10:15:00.000-08:00

that shows the difference in how I saw GOD then, and how I see GOD now...I hadn't thought of this in awhile, till this morning when a friend of mine mentioned that her oldest son lost his first child to SIDS. It's funny how one's thoughts can suddenly zoom back...

I was 22 when my first daughter was born and crib death was just becoming "big". I'm sure it had been around for forever, but it just wasn't known as "crib death" and it wasn't big in the media. When the media latches on to something, it makes it all so much more "dramatic" you know?

Anyway, I was in the process of becoming a Mormon back then, and Mormonism is very fundamentalist (even though I didn't know that word yet). And becoming a Mormon on top of all the Revelation seminars I'd gone to (sponsored by various Seventh Day Adventist groups) had convinced me of one thing...

I was a wretched sinner who was one 1,000th of a millimeter of going straight to hell. And along the way to hell, GOD could reach out and smite me in any way he chose because of my bad behavior. This abject terror of this hands-on, smite-at-will GOD affected my fear of crib death because I JUST KNEW that the main way GOD would smite me would be to hurt my child. (Parents out there will know of what I speak here).

So, every single morning I would lie in my bed, listening for her to make a sound, terrified that I would go into her room in the morning and find her dead, GOD's punishment for my vile life. I was literally imobilized until I could hear a noise from her in the morning. I lived in an L shaped trailer at the time, and out my bedroom door was a back door into the living room. I could go out and back in and totally bypass her room. Then I'd putter around in the kitchen waiting for that noise, so I could go hold my daughter. This lasted probably her whole first year of life.

I reflect on this terror because I was a fundamentalist throughout my whole first 4 children's lives and my tension, my fears, probably affected them greatly (not to mention my whole Revelation/Apocalypse obsession). And for that I am so sorry and hope they can forgive me.

I was more centrist for the last two children and I thank GOD for the lessening of fear, even with Sean being born with a heart condition. (I did keep him by my bed his first few years, but that was practical as well as fear of his heart stopping, and it wasn't that terror of GOD - although that whole GOD will smite me theme ran rampant in my heart/mind after he was born with an imperfect heart and led to such a screaming/crying match between myself and GOD...well, you'll just have to imagine it if you can).

Ok, don't know why I was compelled to share this at this time, but I was..

A friend of mine sent me this....

2010-01-20T08:31:00.000-08:00

Recently, in a large city in France ,
a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.
It said, "This summer,
do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman,
whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster,
responded publicly to the question
posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.)
They have an active sex life,
get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.
They play and swim in the seas,
seeing wonderful places like Patagonia ,
the Bering Sea
and the coral reefs of Polynesia .
Whales are wonderful singers
and have even recorded CDs.
They are incredible creatures
and virtually have no predators
other than humans.
They are loved, protected and admired
by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist.
If they did exist,
they would be lining up outside the offices
of Argentinean psychoanalysts
due to identity crisis. Fish or human?
They don't have a sex life
because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?
Just look at them ... where is IT?
Therefore, they don't have kids either.
Not to mention,
who wants to get close to a girl who smells
like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me:
I want to be a whale.

P..S. We are in an age
when media puts into our heads
the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.
With time, we gain weight
because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads
that when there is no more room,
it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy,
we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.
Beginning today,
when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,
Good grief, look how smart I am!

Drake Update - 6 months!!!

2010-01-18T17:40:00.000-08:00

Drake had his 6 month checkup today & weighs 16lbs 6oz and is 26 inches long.

RIP Gummy Bear

2010-01-18T13:43:00.001-08:00

Our White Winter Russian Dwarf hamster, aka, Gummy Bear, died last night. She was the sweetest thing and I am going to miss her so much.

Reflections on an Aha! Moment...

2010-01-15T14:04:00.001-08:00

Last night, as I was walking over to my Son and Daughter-in-laws house to drop off some paperwork & to see my other daughter, who is up from Texas, I pondered this issue my husband has with the family I have from before he & I were married, that causes every visit to our house to be this HUGE DRAMA, to the point where I usually just give up and go to their house. (Of course, right now, with a newborn, going there makes more sense - but I'm not talking specifically about now). And I realized as I walked there last night, that it doesn't matter that my husband & I are getting along better BECAUSE MY HUSBAND WILL ALWAYS BE AS HE IS in this area of our life...

It doesn't matter anymore if he's doing this to hurt me or if he doesn't think that way anymore. It just doesn't matter "WHY," it simply "IS". It is what it is (as Vicki always says) & my husband will always be as he is.

If I stay with my husband, MY CHILDREN/THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS/THEIR CHILDREN will never, ever, EVER be welcome in our home. And I asked myself, why should I have to live like this? Why would I CHOOSE to live like this? And I realized I wouldn't choose to live like this.

And I was sad...

My Dr. Who/God analogy...

2010-01-08T14:37:00.000-08:00

For those of you who don't know, Dr. Who is a Time Lord on BBC Television, untethered by time and space. I am not an old school Dr. Who watcher, I started watching the year that Christopher Eccoleston was the Dr., so I don't have a lot of history of the show in my mind. And, to be honest, I liked Christopher Eccoleston, but Dr. Who REALLY came alive for me when David Tennant took over the role. I found myself having GOD moments while watching him...

Much is made of his loneliness. He is a Time Lord. He cannot die. If he is in a relationship with you, there will always be sorrow ahead when you die and he does not. And yet, he continually seeks relationship, driven by the need to not be alone. That kind of made me think of how I was first taught the "why" of why GOD created human beings...because he was lonely. So that was my first GOD thought, but it wasn't the one that really took hold of my heart/mind...

It is the way David Tennant portrays Dr. Who's love of people that shows me the most GOD moments. He LOVES humans. He always believes they are worth saving, even when a "bad guy" (or a doubting good guy) comes along and thinks that the whole human race should be slaughtered/burned/destroyed. He finds us resilient and brilliant. He sees us as growing and overcoming. And he finds every little thing we do delightful. Just like a heavenly parent would.

Even that which others feel are huge flaws in humanity doesn't sway him. He is enthralled, enamored & delighted by humanity. He approaches every one and every place and every thing with such joy and enthusiasm...oh, don't get me wrong, he has serious moments. Teaching moments. But it never detracts from the fact that these humans are amazingly brilliant, evolving into better beings whom he revels in.

And that is how I see GOD. However you define that word. Whether it is that old man in the white robe with the long beard, or the Buddha in lotus position or Allah in the heavens, or the intelligence or energy that moves and lives through every being in the universe...GOD is delighted with his created beings. He revels in them. He thinks they are brilliant, and getting ever more brilliant by the year. Yes, they have issues. GOD loves them anyway. Yes, they fall down, then GOD delights when they pick themselves up and find another way over/under/around/through their issues. Oh, if we could only see us in the light of that divine Joy.

Thank you, Dr. Who, for portraying that so brilliantly. There will never be another Dr. Who like you in my estimation. You are utterly amazing...

God thoughts...

2010-01-08T09:59:00.001-08:00

We've been having a discussion on and egroup I belong to about the existence of GOD. Because so many of us have had our conceptualizing of GOD shaken by the path we are on. This was how I responded:

I think I am "luckier" than most in that I knew GOD before I ever met a Christian or saw a Bible. I knew her in the woods near my home. In the river in that woods. She told me bedtime stories at night. Comforted me in the dark. I know there is "something" beyond us. Is it a man in a white robe with a long white beard sitting on a platinum/jewel encrusted throne? Doubtful. But there is something. A mind...an energy...a consciousness...a something" beyond us that created/creates us and sustains us (us as in the entire Universe). That is the very molecules we breathe/are/eat/see. Am I a traditional Christian" anymore at all? Sigh. Doubtful by all of the definitions. Do I believe there was a man named Y'shua that lived a fuller, more GOD imbued/indwelt life than most? Yes. Just like there was a Buddha that lived a more GOD imbued life than most. And, maybe, a Mohammed that lived such a life. When you plug in to the Divine (think the Matrix in reverse)...into the life/power/mind of the universe, there is something there that infinitely changes you...whoever YOU are.

On the "End Times"...

2010-01-05T15:02:00.000-08:00

From another friend: Once you see how the end times fit with the end of the old covenant ... then everything in scripture makes *sense* and falls into place.

Then the fear is gone ... for once we see that we live in the new heavens and new earth (same thing as new covenant), and that the Kingdom comes NOT by observation (can't see it), but is at hand, here and now, in our midst, within us, IOW, a spiritual reality that transcends the physical ... then we can stop waiting for some extra-biblical "utopia" to descend upon us, WAKE UP and realize that our physical world is what WE make of it (we are co-creators) ... and we are not victims, but participants ... and we can become responsible for the choices we've made thus far (whether individually or collectively, whether knowingly or ignorantly), and *choose again*...!

Christianity = Insanity, in my book. A man-made construct that causes the traditions of man to nullify the Word of God (which is not a bound book, but the still, small Voice within us -- for if the Kingdom is within us, SO too is the King!).

We have been duped by the traditions of man ... but we can have eyes to see, ears to hear, and we can not only enter the Kingdom (awaken to who we really are IN Christ), but be contagious, inviting others to awaken, too.

We DO, here and now, have the Mind of Christ. ~ Dena Brehm

Doubt...

2010-01-05T09:57:00.000-08:00

The chorus of an Old Crow Medicine Show tune contains the following line: “We’re all in this thing together, walking the line between faith and fear.” I’ve learned that the only people I really care to hang with are people with the humility required to admit their doubts. And when we admit our anthropomorphized, split personality conception of Superhero/Supertyrant God doesn’t hold up – doesn’t “work” - we’re bound to “flirt” with atheism. I’ve heard and read and shared reams of apologetics for God, and have come ‘round to seeing it all as a waste of time and energy. If God is God, then God doesn’t lose an ounce of sleep over this – that is, if God is both the source of all Truth and Creator of all that is including the human power of reason, then it seems that God should fully expect human doubts re: the existence of an unseen “Spirit” with personality in a world containing mind-numbing pain and suffering, a world where proof of God is simply not possible. I’m increasingly drawn to an elusive/mystery-filled conception of the divine as the combination of God-isms in the scriptures: God is love, spirit (life), goodness and light (truth). This God “works”, AISI, but certainly not in the way the God-in-a-Calvinist-box assumes. ~ Rob Hunter

May we be grounded in this vision for 2010:

2009-12-31T08:51:00.001-08:00

God's Imagination

So much of our energy, time, and money goes into maintaining distance from one another. Many if not most of the resources of the world are used to defend ourselves against each other, to maintain or increase our power, and to safeguard our own privileged position.

Imagine all that effort being put in the service of peace and reconciliation! Would there be any poverty? Would there be crimes and wars? Just imagine that there was no longer fear among people, no longer any rivalry, hostility, bitterness, or revenge. Just imagine all the people on this planet holding hands and forming one large circle of love. We say, "I can't imagine." But God says, "That's what I imagine, a whole world not only created but also living in my image."