I had a fight with Jon today. He says I am self-pitying and a bitch. He says his whole life is so boring he wants to die. Work is boring, home is boring, life is boring. Then, after everything had settled down and we were talking again he said something that sort of chilled me...he said that he sees one of the missions of his life to be destroying naivete and innocence wherever he finds them. In this context he is speaking of his two friends, Matthew and Charles. Charles is a wonderful, compassionate person and it hurts me to think that Jon would want to change that. Some people are very twisted.
Tuesday, April 24, 2001
Today was rough. I cried a lot. Emptiness stalks my psyche. Loneliness inhabits my house. I am so tired. My shoulder hurts. My knee hurts. I simply hurt. I want to feel better. I want to stop aching for interaction and I just don't know how. All of my life I have had people around me to help me through the loneliness. Suddenly I am having to deal with it alone. And I am not dealing very well.